WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I just got off the phone from my parents.

I cannot believe this.

They are not able to come for Thanksgiving. Even worse, the reason is my dad's last stress test showed something "suspicious" and they want to go in and do a catheterization a week from today. They do not want him to travel, they did not want him to wait to do it.

And yet, they still have the gall to say that it could be "nothing."

Immediately they told me this, my mind started racing: could I drive sixteen hours all by myself? Would there be plane tickets other than standby this late? Could I beg or pay a colleague to give my exam on Monday, and then cancel all my other commitments, go up Friday afternoon maybe?


I totally would do it. I totally would even FLY, as much as I hate flying. I would totally even fly standby on a redeye flight and sit next to a squalling two-year-old.

I kept suggesting ways I could get up there until my mother said it would be more of a worry to her to think of me traveling right now (Apparently the weather has turned rather bad there). I could still do it. I could still drive up to Tulsa and somehow get a plane ticket. I don't know if it would piss them off, though (I mean my parents). Maybe it would actually be worse to have me there when my mom's trying to look after my dad...

And I did tearfully tell them, when my dad said he was not looking forward to trying to convince his brother the hypochondriacal doctor to come down and stay with them, to tell my uncle that they had convinced their DAUGHTER not to come.

So - and I realize how awfully and monumentally selfish this is - I am going to be forced to spend Thanksgiving alone. No, I am not going to call people and try to inveigle an invitation, I do NOT want to be at someone's house, the pity-guest, surrounded by their family, none of whom I know. Because, you know, I think that would make me even sadder.

I guess I will go and buy one of those horrible reformed pressed "turkey loaf" things. Except it will probably stick in my throat. Oh, lord. I didn't want to think about spending a major holiday alone for at least ten more years.


I was so looking forward to seeing them. I was so looking forward to a couple of days of not having to be the sole person responsible for getting myself fed and all that.
I don't do well with long stretches of idle time alone.

And now I'm kicking myself - see, this is what you get for being so independent. This is what you get for being antisocial, for not going to the frat parties you thought were stupid drunken routs. This is what you get for not letting your friends "set you up" with someone. Because now, you're stuck, alone alone alone, without even anyone to share the driving with. 'Cos I bet if I were MARRIED, they'd let me come. They'd let me do it because there'd be someone else to share the driving.

(I know, I'm nattering here and I'm not making any sense because right now I'm a big ball of upsetness - mostly worry about my dad (if it's possibly "nothing" why insist on having it done right away?) but also the selfish child in me is screaming and stamping her feet over having to be ALL ALONE on what is the major family holiday of the year. And then I'm filled with self-loathing that I could be so selfish to think of myself at a time like this.)

I was going to decorate for Christmas - in fact, I was moving my big hibiscus plant out of the way where I usually keep the Christmas tree when the phone rang - but I think I've totally lost the spirit for it now. I don't know WHAT I am going to do this evening now. I'm trying to run down a list of the local folks I know for someone I can call that would listen to me without my feeling like I was pulling them too far away from their family duties for the evening. I really don't know anyone that I wouldn't feel like I was "bothering" (even though they wouldn't think of it that way) to call this evening and blubber over the phone at. As much as I'd like to have someone to blubber over the phone at right now.

What IS it about fall now? Why am I not allowed to enjoy fall any more? In 2003, it was tenure worries and then the congregational split. In 2004, it was the first round of health worries about my dad. I'm just angry at the universe right now - I do my jon, I pull my weight, I work d______d hard, I'm a decent person. Can't I get just ONE thing - one season without drama, one season where there's nothing to drive me into a pit of worry?

I mean, I know, intellectually, that is life. Nothing is constant except change. But I've also learned to hate and fear change because the recent changes have been for the worst.

I feel sick to my stomach now. So much for making chili and frybread for dinner. (So much for eating dinner at all, I think).