I'm still feeling a little teary/fragile. Teaching is going to be hard today.

I woke up at 3 am and could not get back to sleep.

What concerns me about this? The doctor's insistence that it could be "nothing" yet they are unwilling to wait any. And the fact that I know someone - a woman in my AAUW group who went in for this very procedure and was immediately whisked off for a triple heart bypass. The fact that he's already on coumadin and blood pressure meds and all other kinds of stuff that could screw up the procedure.

I don't know about the travel thing - my seed bank plants will probably not make it unless I can find someone to water them over the break (I WAS going to be here, so it wasn't going to be an issue). I also have an exam scheduled for Monday, and am collecting a take-home exam in another class Monday, and my head tells me I really need to be here to grade them.

I suppose if I could find someone to water the plants for me, and if I could find someone to administer or collect the exams, and IF I could get train or plane tickets, then I could go. (I think if there was space on the train I'd rather do that; the airport in my parents' hometown is small and tends to shut down when it's windy). I could probably manage it - I could even leave Friday afternoon if I had someone to look after the seed bank and if I had someone covering the exams. (Leaving Monday evening - which would be the next logical time - would be pointless; I'd be arriving in town WHILE he was having the procedure).

My mom did say if she "needed people" my brother and sister in law were closer (that's true; they're only 2 hours away) and they could change their plans if necessary.

I don't know. The worst part of this is going to be the waiting - I'm not going to sleep well or be able to relax or concentrate until Tuesday and it's over. The second worst part is going to be telling people - because, I have to tell people, I have to let them know (at church, because they were expecting me to show up with my parents Sunday, and at work, in case I need to be gone suddenly). I don't want people to do what they are probably going to do anyway - give me the Pity Face. I don't want the Pity Face because right now, it's going to make me cry, and I don't want to cry. And I don't want people inviting me over to their houses for dinner because frankly I know I'd be bad company right now, I don't want to talk and I don't want to think about what is going on.

And I especially don't want people asking if I'm "okay with this." (I've had people do that - I remember a friend in graduate school, when a big surprising unpleasant change was happening in my life, came to me one day and very solicitously asked me if I was "okay with it." And you know, as much as I loved her, I wanted to slug her in the mouth right then.) What choice do you have when it's something not under your control? Okay with it or not okay with it has nothing to do with your circumstances. "Okay with that?" is a question you ask when you are going out to pick up lunch for the group, but you want to get Mexican rather than the planned Chinese. "Okay with that?" is a question for situations where you actually have an option, where you can negotiate. It's not a question for times when whatever is going to happen regardless of how you feel about it.

The Thanksgiving-alone, although it still makes me sad, really doesn't matter at this point. If I have to, I'll make myself a thermos of soup and stay in bed reading that day - not turn on the television to be reminded of the day. (There was an ad this morning for a catering place that said, basically "It's the holidays! They're all about being together with family!" and I almost sat down on the floor and bawled, even though I was getting ready to come in to work.)