What I need to do:

I need to stop watching the news coverage. I need to stop reading the newsblogs. I need to stop, especially, reading the online bulletin boards because they're fast becoming a clustermuck of "blame blame blame!" or "I don't know why our government hasn't magically eliminated poverty, which is a giant contributing factor to all these problems!"

Gah. just, gah. I'm starting to lose my humor and equanimity, which happens in these kind of situations. It just becomes too much for me. And then I hate myself for letting it get to me, like I'm trying to be all drama-queen-ey and act like I'm this "special empath person" (I mean, I'm empathetic and the misery in the world genuinely gets me down, but I don't like other people to think that it's partly a way to draw attention to myself). I was getting frustrated with a student in lab this morning who, as she was doing the lab, was very loudly talking about drinking, and what she did last night, and sororities, and all that. I don't know what I wanted to do, other than for her just to be quiet for a while.

I've cancelled what Labor Day plans I had (to go out antiquing and do some shopping) for a couple of reasons - first, $3 a gallon gas (what it is here) is the point where I say "no non-essential driving", second, I looked around my house and realized I have enough stuff. I don't need more soap, or more fabric, or more of any of the things I'd likely buy (this is a temporary state, brought on by news exposure. I know it won't last).

I also think I'm maybe more affected than some folks because this disaster was relatively close, geographically - and Dallas (and possibly Sherman/Denison) are taking in people displaced by the storm and it's really hard to make my conscience stop yammering at me to get in my car and go do something to help. (Realistically: I have no training, I'm terrified of driving in Dallas traffic, I have other fish I need to be frying.). It seems more immediate to me than Sept. 11, and also I think I have more immediate "survivor's guilt" - after Sept. 11, everyone was SO freaked and didn't know what was coming next that it was easy enough to say to yourself "I need to take care of #1 here and make sure I've got food and water in case something happens.) Here, it was clear the whole time that nothing bad was going to happen to me.

I will say I'm somewhat cheered to see that Central Christian Church in Enid has sent a team off to try to help clear roads. I wish I could be with them, or otherwise doing something concrete to help. (I said to myself this morning: "Now, if you had gone into the medical field, or something else useful, instead of going into ecology, you could head down to Houston, they're putting out a call for workers, and the price of gas be damned." But as someone trying to help out medically, I know I'd be more of a liability than an asset...I get overwhelmed easily, and I get somewhat ill at the sight of blood and needles.)

What I need to do is to take the weekend and mostly stay home, put some music on the stereo, read all the accumulated journal articles for the various projects I'm planning or working on, and maybe knit on some simple socks. Maybe I'll start the Disco socks I'm making my mom for Christmas.

I think I just need a "time out."