Messy, loud, weird

 A couple of intersecting thoughts. 

First: a few weeks ago I went to a cookout. It was people I work with, whom I generally like, and get on well with, but I do find in social situations I run out of things to say. (And after a couple hours I just want to bail. I guess I really am an introvert after all despite thinking during the pandemic, when I was SO isolated, maybe I was actually more extroverted than I thought).

Also, my life experience is a lot different in a lot of ways: I don't drink alcohol, for one thing, and while there's no pressure to at these things (and they are generally BYOB if you want alcohol), I still feel weird FOR MYSELF even if other people are drinking water or soda, or if they stop after a beer. (I probably compare myself to others too much). I'm not partnered up (not everyone is, but also: I have not "dated" as extensively (really: not much at all). And I don't travel and don't have the sort of interesting and exciting stories. I mostly just....work? And my hobbies are different.And what kind of movies, music, etc. I like is different - I prefer older movies (I'm going back to TCM more and more of late, and not just because they don't break into the movie with ads - which I dislike and which takes me out of the narrative - but also, I just prefer those. I don't like horror, I'm not big on action or superhero movies unless there's more underneath it than the special effects) And I prefer kiddie movies! I like Bluey and I like a lot of the Pixar movies. 

And the thing is, I'm really quiet about that kind of thing and usually try to pretend I'm different from who I am. Because I feel like people might not understand or might thing I'm weird. (I"m actually kind of the same way with people I know from church). I think, I guess, people would think something was wrong with me, that I never grew up "all the way," and heck, maybe I didn't? One thing that scares me is that people will think I'm a failure at being an adult. 

And that brings me to this evening, and the title of the post. Turning Red was on one of the Disney channels, and I watched it (first, just on in the background as I finished piano practice and later as I worked on the current hat). I remember some people panning it when it came out; one online Brosephus type (derogatory) said it was pointless because the only person who could relate was the movie's creator, that it was a project made for just her, or maybe a FEW other women who grew up Chinese-Canadian in Toronto in the early 2000s. And I don't know. I liked it. Even if maybe some of the cultural things (which I don't even know how accurately they were portrayed) were interesting (I admit I like the concept that some Asian, and I guess also some Latino, cultures have of "The Aunties," a group of older women, usually the sisters of a parent but maybe not necessarily, who are sometimes strict, sometimes loving...) And yes, there's a strong fantasy aspect with the turning-into-a-red-panda thing (a metaphor, I guess, for how traditionally some women are pushed to suppress strong emotion?). But it's still interesting. (And I also remember Some Dude On The Internet trying to claim the panda was menarche, and while there's a scene in there where - perhaps the joke flies over the head of kids too young to know - but there is a reference to that, where Ming, the mom, thinks MeiMei has had her first period when she first turns into the panda and freaks out, because yeah, a lot of girls freak out when that's happening, *even when they know to expect it* (ask me how I know))

But yeah, the idea of suppressing emotion. I never had the familial conflict with my mom or which aunts I had (the aunts all lived too far away and we saw them too infrequently) and my mom and are both very much "I'd rather not talk about it, especially not with someone so emotionally close" so perhaps some of the suppression-of-strong-emotion was something we did (I don't remember ever seeing her very angry, and I only remember her crying on a few occasions, where it would be expected someone would cry, like the death of one of her siblings). I think I suppressed that less; I remember getting very angry as a teen (mostly at myself, which is also something in the movie relatable to me - I often feel like I'm not good enough). 

But at the end, Mei Mei makes some comment about how you should be your messy, loud, weird self. And while maybe I'm not that often "loud" (though sometimes I forget "indoor voice" especially when I'm afraid I'm not being heard), I'm definitely messy. And I think I'm weird given that my interests in movies and things like music are different than the modal person my age (or younger; most of my colleagues are a decade or more younger than I am now).  And maybe the reason I never DID push harder to find a partner (and certainly am not now), and while I don't have a lot of what you might call close-close friends is the whole "terrifying ordeal of being known" thing - the fear that people will learn how weird I am and be a little repulsed by it. And that is a bit of a burden to carry at times. 

And then the third thought: one of the things people remarked on about Dolly Parton, after her death, was a comment she made along the lines of finding who you authentically were, and being that person. And while a lot of people on social media commented on that potentially being a pro-LGBTQ people statement (And Dolly does seem to have been supportive, commenting that she had people in that community in her family), I suppose it really applies to everyone, that in the long run being who you are is more joyful than trying to suppress it. 

And while there are some things about me I'm pretty open about with everyone - like I have pretty firm (possibly even rigid) ethics I stick to, and I'm proud of working to be an ethical person in what looks like an increasingly fallen world, and while I'm okay with it when I occasionally get on odd tangents in class and maybe go down some rabbit trails of esoteric natural-history information that aren't really necessary for the students to know, I like that I know that stuff and can share it, and maybe some of the students remember it. (Or maybe they just think I'm weird, it's hard for me to know for sure). But things like the types of movies or novels I prefer, I'm more quiet about, and the fact that I'm basically asocial unless I'm being explicitly invited to go do things. 

Again, I think I'm afraid of being thought weird, that I can suppress my natural awkwardness only so long, and when it comes out - well, it's not lovable in the way that turning into a giant red panda would be lovable. And I have had some past experience of rejection for being who I am...and I guess on some level I decided that staying quiet (or going to see the movie I'd rather not see rather than suggest a different one) is preferable to being made fun of, or maybe rejected...