Today: a lot

 This was just one of those days that is kind of A Lot. Some of it was a overhang of stuff from the weekend:

Sunday was breakfast at church (for Lake Holidays, like the July 4 weekend, we traditionally do a breakfast and then a shortened early service, because people want to get to the lake). It's possible that even though I was careful, I got something on the no-no list for me; this morning I woke up aching and with my stomach bothering me (then again: it was VERY humid, dewpoint near 80 F, yesterday, and the air pressure was high). I didn't work out this morning and had a few minutes of mild worry about "what if I'm really badly sick with something (like cancer) and it'll be turned up when I do my bloodwork the end of this month and then I have to go through the carousel of diagnosis and treatment?"

And that got me thinking about my dad again (he went through that about 15 years before he died, in his case it was VERY early stage and radiation was enough to deal with it). But also, this month is the month in which he died, and I still miss him. I mean, I don't think you ever get past missing someone you loved - I don't think about it most days but when I do I feel that little pang again. 

Fortunately by the end of the day I felt better (which is why I wonder if I ate something I should not have) and was able to do a workout.

Well, also, my shoulder was hurting. My left side is where I (probably) broke the collarbone falling off my porch when I was trying to cut the bushes some fifteen years ago and sometimes it hurts, and if I "sleep wrong" or if I lift something too heavy for me with that arm it will bother me for a day or two, and it was bothering me Sunday evening and was probably worst when I got up this morning. It's better now though if I stretch the arm in certain ways I feel it.

Saturday I did some cleaning and sorting. I had a box of knitting stuff (I thought it was all patterns, but it wasn't) and I found a shawl I had put in there, I think because there were two tiny holes I needed to fix. Well, I fixed those and then washed it.....and found a dozen more holes. Some quite large and in the middle of eyelet regions, which, even if I had some of the yarn left, would be a challenge to reknit. (The yarn is an old one from Desert Vista Dyeworks, and the dyer has since passed on, so there will be no more. I spread it out on a towel draped over my drying rack and considered: "I should just throw this out, it's ruined" but I could bring myself to. I thought of the weeks (probably months, even though it was a simple pattern, the Rickenbocker shawl) it took me to knit it and it made me feel kind of sick. I still don't know. A friend suggested finding coordinating solid-color yarns and crocheting flowers to go over the holes and help secure the edges, but I don't know. Maybe no one else would know but *I* would and it would bother me forever (and the time, oh the time, to repair it).  So I don't know. Part of it is I'm mad at myself for storing it somewhere where bugs (carpet beetles, I presume) could get at it, and mad that I'm such a slovenly housekeeper that such things could happen, so I'm not in a frame of mind to fix it.

And part of me is thinking: well, the Rickenbocker shawl only takes a 400 yard skein of fingering weight, and you have LOTS of that, you could just make yourself another one and pitch this one.

And another thought: if I knew someone who liked to do "found art" and could use parts of it in a collage, I might just give it to them, figuring it would be used at least. (Unraveling it and knitting something else doesn't feel like an option, where the holes are tell me there'd have to be a lot of joins, and I hate doing joins in things. 

I did find a couple other skeins of yarn I had tucked in there; they are now in my car solarizing (it should get hot enough in there in the sun to kill things). If I knew for sure the -80 freezer at work was working and not full, I'd see about popping them in there for a day....

I also found lots of patterns I had printed out, including the Bronze Age Shawl, which I have yarn on hand for (which is again why I think: just start a new shawl* instead of trying to fix the damaged one, the fix will just try your patience and you will NEVER be satisfied with it). And I found all my little Modern Daily Knitting "Field Guides" so they're now back on the shelf where they go. 

And I found a copy of the Laine book, "52 Weeks of Scarves" and thought "oh, I hope I don't have another copy with my other Laine books" and GUESS WHAT. I probably bought one at JoAnn's a while back (sigh) when they had books, and then I bet I later on ordered the other copy from Bookshop on one of their "free shipping and you get a free tote bag if you buy $100 worth of books" deals.

So anyway, I have two copies. If I had a local knitting friend I might see if they wanted it but I literally know no one who knits other than maybe baby blankets once in a while (and these scarves are complicated patterns, and really better for a cooler climate than here). I'd rather not just drop it off for the library used-book sale; I'd rather know a knitter got it.

Anyway, if anyone (In the US, sorry**) wants it, let me know and I can send it media mail, which is still fairly affordable.

(* I should finish Syysalaulu first, and I did add a bit to the body last night)

(** because of the shipping costs, and also, I once sent a gift overseas and it came BACK and I had to resend it because the customs form wasn't filled out PERFECTLY)

And then today, the biggest things.

I practiced my talk again. The one classroom I tried to use, the computer and smartboard still won't talk to each other, and that's not good (an IT ticket has been filed).  But I hate how there are always surprise "it doesn't work things"

And I will admit I am really apprehensive about this talk; I haven't done a professional talk since before the pandemic and I know I'm rusty and I really hope it goes okay. Also it's an unfamiliar place - I've been out that way to do fieldwork, but not to the facility itself. And I'm responsible for driving a colleague out there and back, too. 

And then also, later in the day, talking with a friend, they revealed some kind of unpleasant things about their (soon to be officially) ex, and a serious illness in another family member, and it's just....it's a lot. A lot of changes and I thought this was a couple that was Making It, and while I realize you don't see everything that goes on in someone's life....well, it was an unpleasant surprise.

And while I'm happy that this person feels secure enough with me I won't spread their business around (there were a couple other things I won't disclose here), still, it does mean something else to emotionally carry, and to be honest? I don't feel like I have anyone I can really "dump out" to, because a lot of people I know have their own serious struggles, whether it's over health or children or their partner or whatever, and it is kind....well, like I said, it's heavy.  And I'm tired of so many things being heavy, and being heavy without a way to make them less heavy.

 

At least my "had to be redone because they sent the wrong frame" picture is finished and perhaps on Saturday I go pick it up along with getting groceries.