It's five days now to the seventh anniversary of my dad's death. The acute pain that came in those first days and months is over, but I do still miss him, and sometimes things catch me funny.
This summer I've been updating my Environmental Policy and Law notes for teaching. Partly because I'm making the slide decks fit the new low-vision accessibility guidelines, but also, admittedly - stuff has changed (there have been some regulations loosened, some funds diverted from some programs to other things).
And it reminds me of him from time to time. In one of the early lectures where I talk about (basically) the changes in Americans' attitudes towards nature and mention that National Parks became a vacation destination for many families in the mid-20th century, I had popped in this photo:
I know I've shared that a couple times before, but yeah, it's kind of a core memory of mine, going to National Parks for family vacations as a kid. And I admit I had forgotten it was in there in 2019 when I taught the content - literally a month after his death - and stopped dead and said "guys, I'm going to need a moment" to my students (I had told them, they knew, and they understood)
And I have an old newsprint copy of some of the Clean Air Act standards that one of the state representatives (Charles Mosher, I went and looked it up on the document) sent to him, in those days he was Coordinator of Research at Akron. We found it cleaning out his files in 2019 and I decided to keep it. I show it to my class but tell them to handle it CAREFULLY, it is that old high acid newsprint (I should get one of those Mylar comic sleeves to store it; it's about the same size).
And I also have "This is why I teach" that hung up in his office for years hanging on my file cabinet next to the desk where I work
I try to hang on to stuff like that when I get discouraged at the current state of higher ed - that it can be a better and higher thing than what the critics or the grifters would make it out to be, and hopefully a person does inspire at least a few students in their career.
What made me think of all this was this Bluesky post, from the best public utility on social media, the Northeast Ohio Regional Sewer District (AFAICR, they were not "our" sewer district when my family lived in NE Ohio, but they do a lot of conservation things and their social media posts are SO GOOD and they are a little link to a part of my life I've kind of left behind but would like to remember)
But here it is:
And yeah, that struck a nerve, too.
One of the things I remember at my dad's memorial service - it took place over Thanksgiving, a time when a lot of people who would want to be there could be there - was that he had written a letter some months before he passed, with the intent of it being read at the service.
One of the things in the letter was he said - and gave specific examples - of how he was proud of both my brother and me.
And I thought I was all cried out at that point; I'd been mourning all fall and had cried off and on (like: I teared up a little when that photo came up in my lecture that day). But I cried at that.
Part of it is, I know, I am too invested in wanting to feel like other people are proud of me, that I'm doing well and doing what's right. But also, specifically, given that in some ways I'm following in his footsteps, I wanted proof that he was proud of me. My family was never *extremely* demonstrative in that way so I had to ASSUME, and I am literal minded and one of those people who, as a tumblr post I remember reading a few years back, "needs to be loved a little louder, or else they forget"
(And yes, some days now, I feel like I don't really have anyone who is proud of me. I mean, my colleagues, we all do our jobs, we are all good at them, and I admit some days I feel like the weak link in things).
But yeah, I'm working on the last few lectures (updating and reposting) today and kind of having a lot of feelings. (Also could be being tired and borderline dehydrated from the fieldwork - we have one more day)
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