And it's Tuesday

 I mostly just worked on soil samples all day (also all day yesterday)

 It's kind of messy; you have to wet the soil enough you can move it around and the invertebrates float up so you can grab them. It's also tiring and sort of lonely because it's something you do alone. I'm about 1/3 of the way through.

I MAY have fieldwork tomorrow. I don't want to roll my eyes and go "those younger colleagues" because I get it's not an age-linked thing, but I'm going to need to figure out a low-key approach to tell them "hey I really need a text 12 hours in advance of us leaving so I can plan." I guess I just set an early alarm tomorrow (We would have to leave at 7:30) and figure if I get to the building and it's not happening, I just sort more soil. 

I think I'm suffering a little post-conference letdown. I felt like an imposter part of the time (outside my field of expertise), and the talk didn't go as well as I had hoped, and it was really hot, and there wasn't anything to really do other than sit in sessions. In the past, when I went to conferences, they were at a university or in a city where there were museums or interesting things to do; here, we were just there, at the station, and there wasn't anything nearby (Well, there was a casino about five miles down the road but, ugh.) So there wasn't really a chance to decompress from the time we got on the road in the morning until I got home at night. And yeah, I haven't really done much other than work this summer - but then again, after this week it's going to be deadly hot, so going out to do things doesn't appeal. 

I would LIKE to go to the fort near here and walk around and look at the old buildings again, or go to Chickasaw, or maybe find a museum down near Farmersville that might be fun to go to, but I don't know that that's going to happen given what I have to do and also the heat. 

I admit I worry about "don't wait for taking a chance to do what you enjoy" because I think of my dad, who, not too long after retirement, had so many problems with arthritis (which ultimately led to scoliosis and other issues) that he couldn't really go and do stuff, or people like my friend Steve (who died in 2018) who had a sudden health event and was gone. 
 

I dunno. It's something I sometimes get into a loop of thinking about when I wake up in the middle of the night. But another thing I wonder: maybe there really is no "perfect" life, and maybe I wouldn't be happier than I am now if I had a spouse and family, or if I had a better paying career, or if I lived somewhere more exciting? Maybe we're just kind of pre-calibrated about how happy we will be, and some of us either aren't prone to being tremendously happy, or we burn through our allotment early on?

I mean, I'm not UNhappy, I'm getting stuff done, I enjoy teaching when I'm doing it, but some days I do wonder what it would be like if things were different....I think also right now, in this current moment, when I see a lot of things I thought of as improvements are being undone, and it also feels like very selfish people are doing whatever they want, legal or not, moral or not, and not seeing any consequences for it, and it does make me question the idea of the "just universe" I once had, where I thought if you strove to be a good person things would work out right for you and you would be happy, and if you were selfish you'd face consequences for that....

I'm sure part of this is being too warm a lot of the time, and having bad allergies (mold from the soil, even though I wear a N95, and also pollen and dust - I mowed the lawn first thing this morning). But some days it's still a struggle to find the spark.