Thursday evening things

 Tonight was the AAUW Christmas party. As we have for the past few years, we planned it for the fellowship hall of my church. But then I found out the heat was out, and the repair guys were unlikely to show up in time. The secretary did offer to put the space heaters they used for the mothers' day out program down there, and leave a couple running.

I informed the group. One member  offered her house (some folks have weekly cleaners, so their houses are always clean. Mine is not.) I didn't really want to do that, she hosted it a few years ago and it's in a new housing development north of town, with streets *not* on a grid (and that run unpredictably into each other) and last time we had the Christmas party there, it was so dark out when I left, and I was so unfamiliar with the area, that I got turned around and wound up on the far west side of town, rather than the east side, where I lived. So I pushed for the "let's just use the space heaters" (also there is better parking/more accessibility at the church). 

I went down there after school (and that's a whole other thing) to set up. A couple of the space heaters apparently blew the fuses in the outlets they were in; at any rate, they weren't running and when I moved them to a different outlet they were fine. The made it warm enough, marginally, but I felt bad and wondered  if I was wrong not to immediately acquiesce to the alternate place that was far out of the way for me and somewhere I'm uncomfortable driving. 

I decided not to do the white grape juice and ginger ale punch, figuring people might want something hot, so instead I took a large bottle of apple juice I had bought and heated it in a stockpot with a tea infuser full of spices, and one of the other members brought already-made coffee (I am not familiar with making coffee, and didn't want to try, but she knew and brought a pot of coffee)

People slowly showed up. At first I was fretting thinking "what if they all ditched me and went  to the other person's house, and forgot to notify me (childhood experiences can make deep scars, I guess). Eight of us were there, not a bad turn out (one woman was out of town, another one was having to sit with a family member after a procedure)

I felt bad about it being cold. I have a big need to make everything perfect, I guess, and I feel like it's somehow my fault even when it isn't. One woman kept laughing and saying she always liked it when little things went wrong, and while I didn't say anything, I admit it annoyed me even more having the fact that things were less than ideal pointed out to me.

Oh, the food was good, and for once, I got a gift in the blind gift exchange I actually wanted (a fancy liquid hand soap and matching-scented hand lotion, and a special scrubby for washing dishes. And I guess my hat was appreciated by the person who got it. 

 But I'm also thinking about some discussion from Bluesky about people talking about how Christmas was more fun when they were kids and the general consensus from other people was "yeah? it was magical because your parents made it magical for you!" and yeah? And there was some talk of all the "care labor" that people like parents have to do for things like that and, yeah, I guess maybe what had me in a bad mood was that I was focusing on what I had to get done so the party would work (provide the drinks, make sure the space was warm enough, find serving utensils and hand wash them and put them away after dinner, remember to lock up after and turn off and unplug all the heaters....) and yeah, I see that.

But the problem is I do a lot of care labor on a low level (a lot of the stuff with students) but I don't often get it done for me these days. I mean....part of the reason I sometimes get restaurant food more than is probably healthy for me these days is that it's the illusion of being cared for (even though I am paying for it) and it's also not having to cook for myself on top of everything else....but I definitely can tell I feel frayed right now.  

But yeah, I was kind of exhausted and that may have affected my mood - last night, I had to make those darn meatballs, and I also started grading the big papers, and there was a job-candidate interview. And today there was another one, and I did more grading, and gave an exam, and got those 2/3 of the way graded.....and I am just tired and  ready to be on break, but it's not for like ten more days, and those are going to be long days. (There are *two* candidate interviews tomorrow...)

 But there were a few minutes, after everyone had left - calling out merry Christmases to each other, because we won't see each other again until February - I had to stay back to lock up and I stood there in the quiet dark hall before heading through the fellowship hall and kitchen and out to my car, where it was quiet and really, yeah, maybe a little holy. I know this place well; it's been my church for 25 years, and I admit some days, given staffing and financial challenges, I worry how much longer we will exist. 

But yes, that moment was quiet and familiar feeling, in the big dark building, after it was over and everyone had left, and that was one more "requirement" off my plate