'least it's over...

 Today wasn't a great day. 

For one thing, I slept badly last night, had one of those distressing dreams where I'm driving and then can't see where I'm going (this time: the windshield fogged up and also there was fog all around outside the car). I relate these to when I'm worried about something in the future; my subconscious is as literal minded as my conscious mind is ("you LITERALLY canNOT see the ROAD AHEAD" yeah thanks brain)

Then, when getting dressed, first, I couldn't get my hair to look okay (it's been very dry, I don't know why, I think it's the extended hot/no rain/but humid weather and I'd been putting a "curl serum" in it to try to control it, and I think there was too much from when I washed it the previous night; it was kind of "clumpy" and acted like my hair had really thinned badly). No time to rewash it, I literally had 20 minutes to finish dressing and get out the door to be prepped in time for my class. 

And I opened the new replacement-foundation (couldn't find the Benefit product I'd been using so subbed in another one) and found that the color I had matched to my wrist was way too light for my face, and I wound up wiping most of it off and using a tiny bit of the usual stuff I had left (I might have another small tube of it squirreled away to fill in, and I mailordered more that should be here next week).

But I wound up crying at myself in the mirror - why am I so ugly? and why can't I look like a normal woman? Why does my hair always have to be weird and why doesn't my complexion match and why, why, why

Made it through the day, including ALL THE GRADING (because I volunteered to help some students in the field tomorrow afternoon, sigh, so basically giving up a big chunk of my weekend) 

Left campus around 5 pm. Got home, was walking up to my house from the garage when one of the local Yahoos drove by. And he barked at me and I think he yelled "piggie!"

 

Yeah dude, I'm fat. Thanks for reminding me, I might have forgotten I am unacceptable to your eyes and I don't belong.

I didn't react; years of being bullied in school taught me to walk tall, act fine, and never look back (or never look at your tormentor). Just. Keep. Walking.

So I did. But I did hear it, and it did affect me, and it reminded me: this is why you're fundamentally a hermit. People can be awful and a lot of the time it's not worth whatever small benefit you might get from an interaction. (I wish that my interactions were not mostly negative, but often they seem to be)

 

At least I got a little more done on the chicken, and if I can get up early enough and get the groceries I need, I might have an hour or two before I have to go out in the field to work on it. 

I could really use a couple days off, though, to do what I *want* to do instead of what I feel like I *must* do.