Sorry, ice cream machine broken today. I was on campus from 8 until after 5, didn't get as much done on the lecture stuff as I wanted, sat through an absolutely overwhelming and too-fast hour Zoom about how to use the new LMS we are being migrated to in the fall. (I will never master it. Nothing is making a dent in my brain right now; I have become very stupid).
I always think of the Heinlein bit about the fallen caryatid - both the "you can see she's a good girl, and is anguished at her failure" (oh how I feel that) but also the idea that many many people struggle under circumstances they don't control, know they'll ultimately fail, but keep going. I'm sorry but I can't quite see the "victory in defeat" part of it, though - it's just defeat, it's all defeat. I can work as hard as I can, figuratively set myself on fire to keep others warm, and still it may be for nothing in the end.
I'm just tired. The teaching stuff is not as fun as it once was. I feel like I am not good at it any more. I wonder if it's just time to quit. Though given how hard it is for us to find a new botanist....I don't know. I suppose they need me on some level even though I'm flopping and flailing and boring the students.
They sent around "employee appreciation" stuff - a series of discounts, mostly for things like cruises that I either wouldn't want or couldn't afford even with the discount. And I GET that that was a cheap package they got that looked nice but honestly? For me to feel appreciated? Give me some HELP. Even a TA to help me carry herbarium sheets up the flight of stairs before lab, and back after. Or not to have to do all the assessment work. Something. A discount on a cruise or 10% of at the local coffee place is no good to me.
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