So over the weekend I heard that President Carter is going into hospice. He's 98, I know he had brain cancer a few years back. Maybe it's recurred and he's decided it's just time to go home when his time comes rather than try to fight it, and I can respect that.
But yeah, this kind of thing brings up old griefs and other thoughts.
My dad, some of you might remember, went into hospice late in July 2019. He was only officially in hospice for a day or so. He had congestive heart failure and apparently the home health nurse (from OSF, who had been excellent) noticed some signs and quietly suggested to my mom maybe it was time to get the hospice people in (I originally remembered it as he made the decision, but upon reflection: I remember my mom telling me that the nurse quietly told her it was time).
It was only about a day later that he passed. I remember my mom calling me on a Friday morning with a "not to alarm you but we're putting him on oxygen" and she also dropped the word that the hospice nurse was coming in "but that doesn't necessarily mean a lot" (My mom has a long habit of wanting to shield people from potentially bad news; she didn't tell me about my cousin's suicide until weeks later "because I knew you had final exams to write and I didn't want you to have to think about it")
Later that day she called to say he was worse
I sighed, and said "do you want me to try to get up there?" and while she originally said no, the upshot was, yeah, I should try to get up there.
So I did, but I missed his passing by half a day.
And I remember that now. I presume the former President's children and grandchildren are by his side at this point, or at least close by.
(And a confess: in a terrible way, I was relieved. I have never witnessed someone die; I am not sure I would want to. I know of people who have who say it's a gift and a blessing but I also don't know if I would find it such).
That said: hospice is a good thing. Apparently at some point as his breathing was starting to get bad the nurse asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital and his response was "No, I'm done with hospitals" and I think at that point he knew.
The last evening, my mom tells me, the nurse said, as she was preparing to go off for the night (but told my mom to call if anything changed), she said "He might not be able to communicate any longer but he can still hear; if you have particularly meaningful music you could play that." My mom mentioned that a Cubs game was on, and my dad had been a lifelong Cubs fan.....so, well, that seemed fitting and right.
But it is terribly hard losing someone you love even if intellectually you know they have been freed from the pain they were in and their illness. The emotional side of you can't accept the cooler intellectual thinking.
(The official cause of death was congestive heart failure but my mom thinks he also may have been showing some very early signs of Parkinson's disease - so it's probably for the best he passed when he did. And certainly better than him having to try to make it through the pandemic, with having to go out from time to time for medical visits or having nurses who'd seen other patients in)
But yes, the news this weekend made me reflect on that again (I will note in passing the "ball theory of grief")
And yes, hospice is a good thing when it's done well - and it seems like the OSF group in my mom's area does it well. I've heard some rumors about larger corporate interests buying out smaller hospice groups and I really hope that doesn't lead to a bean-countery, depersonalized and depersonalizing version of hospice becoming the norm. Not everything should be for-profit or aimed at pleasing shareholders.
***
Though also, thinking about Carter the person. I don't remember too much about his actual presidency; I was a child then. I guess a lot of people feel like in some ways he was maybe not the most effective on some things (maybe he was too kind natured? Though that's a sad thing, if the "best" leaders turn out to be people who can be somewhat cruel). But I know after his presidency he's done impressive things - I know he's been involved with Habitat for Humanity for a long time, and he helped spearhead an effort to eradicate Guinea worm (and apparently it's darn close to being eradicated), which causes human disease and suffering. And he taught a Sunday school class at his church for years and years.
And to me, that says something about the man: he was the leader of the free world, and then he went back home, and he helped build houses (even if mainly as a figurehead role, but I do think he did more than that) and taught Sunday school. How many former politicians would think themselves too important for that kind of service, or would want pay or perks?
And I think the support and prayers and everything people are expressing for him reflect something that maybe suggests we're not so lost as a people, after all: people are hungry (as I know I am) for stories of people who simply strive to be a decent person and to try to make the world better. Was he a perfect man? No, of course not, none of us humans is perfect. (though I also remember the whole "I have sinned in my heart" brouhaha and to me, the whole admission of that was not as comical or as odd as it seemed to be to many; I know the Bible passage to which he referred). But I also feel like a lot of us want to feel like we're making the place better than what it was when we found it, but also a lot of us get very little evidence of that. But if anyone will be welcomed into Heaven with a "well done, good and faithful servant," he seems to me to be a good candidate for that.
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