Two more thoughts

 I alluded to the fact that the pandemic had changed my ability to be alone/come home at the end of the day, and Roger concurred in a comment.

And I think it has. I find that I have become less of an introvert - perhaps seven or eight months of wondering if you will ever be able to be around other people ever again changes your mental calculus on that. I also need input or validation more - it's like I burned out my ability to self-validate. (It was never that good; I suspect people who were high achievers as school kids either started out as people pleasers - and that's why they worked hard to become high achievers - or the praise they got for doing well in class/being "good" stopped them from developing that ability to self-validate.) Also I have the issue going on of having felt largely rejected by peers as a kid, and being told that things I thought were good weren't, and having what I did run down by my peers, etc., and so I don't always trust my own judgement. 

Not having someone to bounce things off of during the pandemic was bad for me; I find I dwell on things a lot more than I did before - for example, a bad interaction where someone is unpleasant to me is a lot harder to shake off than it was before the pandemic. 

Another thing - and this came up in the (virtual) meeting with the program evaluator: everyone is tired. Everyone's a little bit scattered and finds thinking and working harder. And I realized that sadly this is true all the way down. I'm struggling right now with Terminix' scheduling. After the inspector seeming so good and so on top of it, and telling me "the tech will call you Wednesday to schedule" it's gone downhill. 

No tech called Wednesday. I tried calling Wednesday afternoon but had to leave a message. Got no call back. Called the main number mid morning Thursday; it goes to some central office. The central office person said they'd call the local office. No one picked up at the local office (apparently it's a secret phone number only the central office has). I tried using the online chat; when I finally got what I presume was a real person they said they had called and left a message.

Well, okay: I knew where the local office was, I'd go out there and see if they were open.

I did. They were. The guy I met with didn't exactly inspire confidence - he had received none of the phone calls, he was not aware I had purchased a contract. He wrote stuff down in a little notebook instead of going and using a computer. He said the tech was "out of town" that day (well, isn't that convenient) and that because it was the end of the month, they were very busy (???? I would think the first of the month, when people had money, would be the time). He said he'd have the guy call me and schedule a time today or tomorrow.

I have no trust that he will

If he doesn't, if I don't hear back, Tuesday (because Monday is a holiday) I am calling Terminix and demanding my money back, and if they make it hard, I'm taking it up with my credit card company. And then I will have to start the process all over again with someone else. And meanwhile, TERMITES ARE EATING PART OF MY HOUSE

and yes: everyone's stupid now (including me) because of the pandemic and it's harder for people to work and yes, yes, I sympathize but.....there are still things that are urgent. I hope there haven't been instances of people coming into the ER with ready-to-burst appendixes and have them be told "uh yeah the surgeon who does that is out of town today" or similar. 

I mean, I can put up with things like empty shelves at stores (well, I put up with it but am secretly unhappy about it, though it's more worry than anger) and slowed down road repairs and things like that but....I'm really worried about this and no one seems to want to take me seriously (well, other than the original inspector). 

I'm trying to be gracious. But some days it feels, once again, that I'm always the one to yield, always the one to put what I want (and sometimes need) on the back burner and......I don't know how much longer I can continue to be patient and gracious and do things like take on extra burdens (once again, I'm worried about that class I have to pick up in the spring because we couldn't replace the guy who retired). I'm just so tired, and some days it looks like there are very few consolations or joys that remain me in life. 

 

UPDATE: I went onto the Terminix website to harass their chatbot again (because I am coming to believe that being annoying may be the only way I get help) and I find that there is a "treatment" appointment ("and bill" they say, and I will dispute that and show my e-mail from the company if they try to bill me AGAIN) between 1 and 3 pm tomorrow. 

 So okay. I admit I am to "I'll believe it when I see it" territory with this but okay, I won't go out to the office and gripe them out again, or harass the chatbot, or call the Tulsa office. But if dude doesn't show tomorrow? I'm demanding my money back and starting the whoooooole process all over again with someone else. Which I hate; I hate talking to strangers and asking them to do stuff for me, even stuff I am paying for. 

And ah: they do not have my e-mail or phone number in my online account despite my having given them to the inspector AND the guy at the local office. I guess it's really a case of them not being able to find their backside with both hands, and that does not inspire confidence in  me.