small town life

 Over the weekend, the oldest member* passed away. She was 101.
I knew her a little bit - she sang in the choir for a few years, I had talked with her some, and my departmental secretary is her niece.It was one of those things that I filed under "sad but not tragic," in the sense that the death of an 18 year old would seem tragic.

(*We claimed her as a member, but they listed a church in Hugo - of a different denomination- as where she belonged, so I don't know. I'm assuming it's an "everything is complicated" situation)

Anyway, I braced for the usual round of request to fix things and serve at a funeral or memorial service; there aren't many of us any more and it's something I can do. 

And then I heard, from the departmental secretary: "Well, her son doesn't want a funeral or a memorial service, he's doing nothing." Okay, fine. I don't know why but some people are like that. I'm glad my dad left some detailed plans in place of how he wanted to be remembered (a memorial service at a time when family/friends could travel for it - so we did it close to Thanksgiving the year he passed). Also it was a short service and mercifully (because I doubt I could have done it without crying) none of us were called on to "share memories" - instead, there were some short things people wrote up that the minister read.

But anyway.

Then, yesterday - I stayed home and worked in the yard, had to get the mowing done because today and this weekend are going to be death-hot and it will be too long by next week, and I also had some errands to run, and it was time to write the check for the roof - an e-mail came.

"Family time is tonight from 6-8 at [familiar funeral home]"

Okay, I thought, so they're doing that. I admit I don't like "family time" (or "visitation" as I think it's more commonly known up north) as much as a memorial service where there's a set program and a start and end time, but I thought: maybe I should go, it's entirely possible no one else in the church got the message and you can represent the congregation. (It turns out it was also on Facebook but I don't Facebook, so....)

I went down maybe around 6:15 (I was slow finishing my dinner that evening). Google maps told me "you can walk it in nine minutes" and yeah, maybe if it had been October or April (and I had dress shoes that didn't destroy me feet walking on sidewalks for more than short distances) but I drove. Parked at the courthouse because I figured the really close parking would be full (and also wanted to leave some for less-mobile folks).

(As it turned out, a mutual friend of ours, someone I've not seen in over a year, was there - he signed the book - but he was gone by the time I got there, which is too bad, I would have loved to have seen him)

When I arrived, I realized I didn't know a single person in the room. I took the little bulletin with the obituary and went and sat down and reminded myself that I was not there to talk to people but to just represent the congregation. (But I was slightly surprised my secretary and her husband weren't there, but chalked it up to some kind of family weirdness, like maybe they and the son REALLY didn't get along).

A few minutes later they walked in so at least 2 people I knew were there - we talked for a little bit, they shared one story about the woman (the secretary's husband took her out on his motorcycle when she was in her 90s, and she loved it) and then sat down near me.

Eventually, a couple women from church showed up. (I didn't expect the minister at all; he was leading the grief group at church - I had to bake cookies for it, I had signed up to provide snacks. And also he didn't really know her; she had been in the nursing home his entire tenure here). I talked a bit with J., who is the one I know the best and am closest to, and we sat together.

Eventually, J. said "I never know how long to stay at these things" and I laughed and said I didn't, either, and we mutually decided to get up and walk out (it was about 6:45 at that point). 

I admit I spent the rest of the evening staring into the abyss a bit: when my time comes, will there be anyone to show up and sit? Should I just change the "future plans" to be "donate my body to science if they'll have it" to avoid anyone having to do anything?" Also I felt paradoxically lonely despite having talked more to people than I had the previous several days. 

But "visitation" or "family time" or whatever you call it is an odd tradition. I know in some cases people who work and can't go to a daytime funeral use it as a way of paying respects, or a way to talk more closely with the family than you can at a funeral/memorial service. But it's strange and awkward. I haven't been to too many - my grandmother's is the big one I remember; it was the first real experience of death I had as a young adult (my other grandparents either died when I was too small to understand, or, in the case of my paternal grandmother, it was at a time when only my dad could travel for the services). I remember one aunt-by-marriage being very....dramatic....in front of the open casket (which I had not been warned about and was not prepared for. Fortunately we are not a demonstrative family; I know someone who was pushed, at their grandparent's visitation, to "kiss Grandma goodbye" and I could NOT have done that). I mostly remember sitting on a hard folding chair and trying not to cry but crying anyway, and being introduced to a lot of distant relatives I'd never met before. The funeral the next day was actually a relief....With my father, we had something like "visitation" before the service, people standing around in the centrum and talking, and also, anyone present was invited to the lunch after, so we could talk then, and that seemed better.

I've been to a few visitations for people I knew - the son of a friend from the church in Illinois (another open-casket one), a few friends down here where I couldn't make the funeral because of my class schedule. But it is always awkward and a little melancholy and not something I would choose to do.