not the best...

 I decided to go to Sherman today, to stock up on stuff. (Because, who knows? who knows when we'll get a horrific new variant, or when there will be a "truckers' strike" here, or more supply chain disruptions?)

I admit I was anxious to start off because I had a dream last night I was driving somewhere and a warning light on my dashboard came on. But it wasn't one I knew and I couldn't figure it out....it said "E1!" which actually in real-life, is the warning the pH meters I use in lab give when their batteries need to be replaced. 

Well, driving down there? The low-tire-pressure light came on. At first I told myself "these things often trigger unnecessarily; your mom has had the mechanics working on the one on her car *regularly* and they can't get it to not trigger, despite tire pressure being normal" but then I remembered the time I had a flat on the way to the train station some years back....and then I got nervous - what if a blowout happens, can I keep control at 70 mph well enough not to die?

I got down there safely (obviously) and remembered there was one of those tire mega-stores near the Target, where I was going anyway. So I pulled in and went in (masked, the workers were masked too) and told the guy, "I know y'all are really busy, but..." and explained the problem. Most tire places are good this way: he said "oh, sure - just pull around over there, we have a compressor set up, we'll take care of it" and in a couple moments they had, at no charge. I think perhaps my being polite and having been willing to hear "no" (the "I know y'all are really busy" as a pre-acknowledgement that they might not have time) helped. 

But I was still really keyed up from driving with that light on, and worrying about "what bad might happen" and it took a solid fifteen minutes of wandering around the bookstore (didn't buy anything, didn't find anything I wanted) to calm down. From there I went to Target to stock up on some of the houseware type things I might need in the coming weeks/months. 

It was cold here this morning, and walking in there was a guy - probably 15 or so years my junior who walked in with me and we had a short conversation about how cold it was. We were masked, so I'm guessing he couldn't fully judge my age (then again, I have some grey hair now) and I admit for a moment as I walked away I thought "could he have been trying to flirt with me and I didn't realize it" but I dismissed it. But I also realize that if I ever DO get out much in social situations again I'm going to have to be careful because I will probably over interpret even minimal friendliness as something more - either "this person really wants to be my new best friend" or "oh he's going to ask me out on a date!!!' and yeah, I may be a little starved for human contact at this point.

The Target was crowded and there were some random shortages of stuff. Nearly all the Valentine's candy was gone, for example (yes, I know it's 2 days before, but usually there's more than that). Some canned goods looked a little short.

From there - well, I guess I went to JoAnn's. Bought a few things, including a St Patrick's Day themed door mat. I know, I know - but it's the kind of thing that makes me happy even though it was about $15 and I will have to store it after March this year. But I need things like that - both to mark the passage of time (My sense of time is still messed up, though less so than during the early days of the pandemic) but also to have some kind of tiny celebration.

At that point it was about noon, and I thought about lunch. I had briefly considered eating INSIDE my favorite bbq place but I had also read a couple shaming articles/threads about "how can you be eating IN a restaurant yet, don't you care about the immunocompromised" and I admit I'm susceptible to that type of shame. But anyway, when I drove by, the lot was entirely full, and it's a small restaurant, and I realized there was no way I could eat inside without a stranger virtually breathing down my neck. And at that point it seemed too cold to eat outside - and barbecue is too messy to eat in my car.

So I drove on. And I admit, I cried a bit as I drove - I'm so tired. I've given up so many things. I am never getting back the life I had before but I also don't even know if there are bits and pieces of it I can have back. Well, shopping in stores and going to work and church, I have those back, but in a limited way - I try hard to distance in stores and I"m masked all the time.

Everything seems much harder now. And as I've said: there seem to be fewer rewards now than there once were. 

So I went to the natural-foods store and picked up the various things I needed from there, and then on to Kroger. (And again: weird random shortages, though I got most of what I needed, though it might be the shortages were due to it being the Super Bowl tomorrow. The store was absolutely slammed and as is the case now, there really weren't enough cashiers to handle the load.). There was one "nature is healing" moment - one of the N. Texas Girl Scout troops was selling cookies from a table where people left the store. In the past, I would either pass by or buy a box but say "send it to the troops" (they used to do that, I don't know if they still do). But this year I bought the new one - a brownie cookie with salted caramel in it. Though really it's more about supporting a local program than the cookies. (JoAnn's also lets you round up your bill to donate to 4-H, and while I don't know what percentage actually makes it to 4-H, I did it, and remarked to the cashier, "My niece is in 4-H!")

I dunno. Anything to feel a connection, I think.

I did wind up getting lunch after all  - it was almost 1:30 when I got out of Kroger and I realized it was probably unsafe to drive home on an empty stomach, so I checked drive-thrus and fortunately Panera's was not slammed, so I did that - got one of their flatbread pizzas (Margherita) and a hot tea. And they did have the outdoor tables set up so I ate there

It was pretty good but that may have been because my blood sugar was so low at that point. (I don't always feel hungry - this is apparently a side effect of the blood pressure medication - but I have to be careful not to skip meals because apparently ANOTHER side effect is that your blood sugar can tank suddenly).

It was an expensive meal - like $15, and if I had had someone with me I'd totally have split the pizza (it's really more than one person needs to eat. I did eat most of it - left the "bones" - but in a better happier time I would have preferred to share. I guess I could have eaten half and taken the rest home...)

But yes; things seem much harder now (still. Maybe not IMPOSSIBLE the way they seemed in 2020, but they're still harder than what I remember) and I really am mourning the life I once had, which doesn't seem likely to ever come back - it will never be easy to just go out and do things any more. Walking up to the Target I was still discombobulated enough from the car issue that I forgot my mask, until I saw one of the workers walking out to take something to someone who was doing pick  up wearing one, and then said "oh shoot" and turned around to my car. No one would have cared; there's no mask mandate any more, but I would have cared. And I get tired more easily doing things, and being around people makes me more uncomfortable than it once did. And I don't know if any of that is getting "fixed" or not, ever. In the summer when I need to go to Sherman I can just go on a weekday, since I'm not teaching, and have fewer crowds, but during the regular semesters, I'm not sure how to thread that needle. 

But this was a hard and an uncomfortable (in some ways) day and I feel kind of sad - going out to Sherman for shopping used to be one of my little escapes but it doesn't feel like that any more. I don't know what I can replace it with, but I do need some kind of an escape.