weekend is here

 But also, some thoughts.

I do think I'll be going to Denison tomorrow to try to start Christmas shopping. I MIGHT run to the Brookshire's in Pottsboro (there's a fairly straight shot from there) or I could just go to the Albertson's near there. 

I do also want to start some new *simple* project - the hat I had been working on for invigilating is nearly finished. I'm contemplating digging AGAIN in my stash to see if I happen to have any yarn in big enough quantity (that I don't have to worry) for that cardigan from Sherlock Knits. I *might* have enough of the cranberry Paton's Classic Wool, but it would be close, and I don't know that that color is even still made, let alone trying to get the same dye lot. (I might have some heavy worsted in a grey marl somewhere that I might have enough of). 

***

But also, I got to thinking about something this morning. I had a dream - the only part of it I remember was that there was something like an open tour-boat sort of thing, and we were loading up in it, and Sam Neill (yes, the actor) came and sat down next to me and then made some comment (after looking at me) along the lines of "okay no one is allowed to trade seats with me now" and for a brief moment (until I woke up) I felt so happy and so *accepted* and so noticed. (and yes. "Sam Neill sat next to me!" is as "thirsty" as my "thirst dreams" get these days. And okay, yes, imagining the feel of warm bulky humanity next to me - that was something. It's been ages since I was close to another person; I think the last time someone actually touched me was at my last dental checkup). 

But I think that's something I'm missing - feeling a part of things. Feeling welcomed, and part of a group that wants me there, and having people who are happy to see me. Part of this is maybe my brain being mean to me but also, it does feel like I've become much more isolated, and I am not sure how to fix that.

There are other things I miss. I have far, far less contact with people than I once did, and some of the people who used to say supportive things to me are not in my life any more (moved away, or died, or in one case is strictly working from home, probably forever given our abysmal vaccination rate) and I don't hear supportive things. And I know it's dumb and needy and selfish of me, but to occasionally be told "you really look nice today" or "I appreciate you" or "You look beautiful" or "I love you" (those last two coming from a man I knew was gay, so there was absolutely no romantic intent there). But just...I know I shouldn't WANT it, but I do. 

(My family is not demonstrative, never have been)

And I admit it - my brain is mean enough to me at times that if I'm not hearing that I'm an okay person (at least) from other people, I begin to wonder if I AM an okay person - because I've been taught not to trust my own judgment. I've had enough people run down my accomplishments and belittle them that I now tend to downplay them. And I had enough of my peers telling me I was ugly when I was younger that I can't look at myself in the mirror and think "I look good" (Maybe no one can? I don't know. I don't know what goes on in other people's heads)

And driving in to work today, I wondered: could this kind of thing being a lot of people's problem? The intersect of not feeling seen and not feeling heard? 

And I wondered: could some of the less-toxic forms of what's sometimes derided as "Karen" behavior be women responding to feeling unheard? I have been in situations - probably most women have - where customer service seems to ignore you, or that repair person who was supposed to be there between noon and four p.m. hasn't shown as of 4:30, or you get talked over (Zoom is terrible for this, and I find myself projecting more and raising my voice when I am in a Zoom meeting, because the loudest one gets the microphone, and if someone talks over me, they are heard instead of me.)

And yes, yes, there is "toxic Karen" behavior and I'd argue you should never be abusive towards service workers. But there have been a few times I've spoken VERY firmly and raised my voice a bit after having said "Excuse me" a couple times and still having other people who hadn't been waiting as long get served first. (And is there a male version of Karen? Or is assertiveness considered normal, and the "picky Karen" thing a thing men are thought not to do?)

But here, the not-being-heard/not-being-noticed takes on a particular form (not having any kind of "building up" from many of the people around me) and while I know I shouldn't "need" it, still......I sometimes feel like I do. 

 

I also got to thinking again: I hope the pandemic era we live in (I read an article today suggesting it's just going to be an era now, that the effects of it are going to persist decades, which, holy Heck, is THE REST OF MY ENTIRE LIFE) doesn't drive people to clamp down in their nuclear families or little friend groups and not want anyone new in their lives - because I need some new friends to replace the ones who have gone. But maybe that won't happen? Maybe I will be left alone forever? I don't like that. 

I mean, I have online contacts but having just online interaction is like trying to live on IV nutrition instead of actually eating - you can probably DO it, but it's not healthy long term nor is it enjoyable as an exclusive thing.

But again: I don't know how to fix it. There are no groups I can find that (a) meet at a time I am available and (b) would be of interest. Oh, I have work and church and that's SOMETHING but I also feel like I need something more because both those places I have Responsibilities and I would really like to go somewhere and just participate without having to be partly in charge.

Also today I opened my October Doki Doki crate. They had promised "either a trick or a treat!" in each one and listed some of each.

Well, I got the worst "trick" - it was a coupon, and they even SAID "spoiler: it's spooky low" on it. I went to the website and checked - the one item I MIGHT have considered ordering was $25 and when I tried the coupon on it, it was a buck off. (I didn't order the thing). And apparently the "treats" were things like plushies or special snacks and even some of the other tricks were things like weird stickers or "WTF Japanese items"

And I admit, I felt kind of ....cheated. And was reminded of a few times in my past when there were those kind of grab bag things (in school) and people did seem to conspire to make sure I got the worst of whatever it was. (Or that I was the butt of a joke, whatever). 

I opened the other crate (The Gachapon toy crate) and got the same dumb coupon, which makes me think either (1) they lied, and everyone got the coupons, 'cos how would we know? or (2) the better prizes, there were only 1 or 2 of each of them for the thousands of crates that went out.

I mean, I don't feel it *personally* any more like I did at first, but I still feel....kinda cheated.