A physical trainer my dad went to years ago (after his knee surgery) claimed that you felt worse *2* days after some heavy exertion, rather than the day after. Maybe that's it, though the Saturday fieldwork didn't feel unusually taxing.
Or it could be allergies; we had a big wind shift yesterday night and I've been sneezing a lot.
Or it could be there's some low-level interpersonal conflict (not directly involving me but I may have to act as a bit of a peacekeeper) in my life and I don't like that. I don't like it when people argue or when one person is abrasive towards another. And I worry I'll say the one thing and one or both of the parties will then turn on me.
Or maybe it's just the usual mid-semester malaise; I have three exams to write this week (one is done, the second is started, and I have long office hours tomorrow so maybe I can at least finish the second one). I also have a meeting tonight and three (!) meetings on Wednesday, and none of them are ones I can get out of (one is a Council I am on on campus; the other two are meetings at church, one of which I have to run). Thursday, I am telling myself: Thursday I can come home and relax. (Also I half-promised my policy and law students that if we finished the current topic Wednesday - which is very likely - I will give them Friday off, as we have an exam Monday)
But I just wasn't feeling it today. Oh, I got through classes fine and I think maybe I'm beginning to see better comprehension in one of the classes. But I was just tired and kind of in low spirits all day. Part of it was just Mondays are long, busy days, part of it is that I spent every day last week doing at least a little work - Sunday afternoon I spent nearly 2 hours on campus getting caught up on grading; I felt like I needed to. (I almost feel now like when I try to go do something "fun" - as "fun" as the shopping was - I have to pay back for it by doubling down on work). And I made a boneheaded mistake or two (uploading the wrong thing to BlackBoard) and while that's not terrible and I fixed it, still, it makes me wonder about cognitive slippage. And I'm going to be asked to "cover" for someone and I'm not sure I can.
Everything seems harder.
There was an Ask Metafilter I read the other day about "if you teach, do you find your students struggling?" and yes, I definitely do - though it seems a lot of it is related to people having been out sick (or out having to tend to kids, or out with sick parents they have to care for) but yes, the performance seems a little worse this year, and people seem less able to take initiative.
And what frustrates me is I don't know what the "most ethical" thing is in this case. A lot of college instructors on there talked about just eliminating due dates (I can't do that; I can't deal with a giant pile of grading at the end and my organization level is bad enough I'd lose stuff if it slowly dribbled in - or forget to grade it if it were online). And also in the stats class I make a point of working through the problems the day after I grade the homework, so people can (I hope) learn from their mistakes. One person basically said "if they make it through I'm just giving them B- if they don't do better" and I can't do that. But some people seem to imply that you're an ogre if you still expect a certain level of rigor. And I am struggling at times, myself, and I still keep showing up and pushing and trying to get stuff done.
Just trying to operate ethically in the world is hard. I also saw someone making the claim today that with rising shortages again, if you are not on WIC, you absolutely should not buy any of the WIC designated products to leave them for the people who need it....and that just exhausts me (Also I think my preferred brand of oatmeal is....maybe all oatmeal is? It's about the only thing I can eat in the morning....)
I guess the answer is that's the modern equivalent of sin and of "falling short of the mark" - that there are all these Laws set up (how to be an ethical person, not Levitical laws any more) and you just have to accept that in this world you can't do everything.
And for that matter, I have ZERO IDEA how real the supply-chain breakdowns are or if some of the "OoooOOOOooooo buy your Christmas Presents early, or there might not be any!" is to panic people into getting out and shopping *now* for whatever reason, or if it's all a giant game of telephone - news outlets seem to fact check infinitely less now and a mild falsehood can be presented as absolute truth.
But it all makes me tired and makes me cower like a beaten dog, wondering what bad thing I will have to brace for next. (I find it hard any more to anticipate good things; maybe someday? I don't know)
And of course, today is a Federal Holiday, so there is not even the consolation of mail this afternoon - or the chance to go to the bank and do a bit of a funds transfer so I can pay a big bill without worrying.
I wasted some time this afternoon idly browsing Etsy, after I realized there was "vintage" jewelry on there including things I might have had when younger. I had a pewter mouse brooch I *just* remember; one Thanksgiving I wore it at my grandmother's and the catch came off. And my dad, trying to be helpful, tried to solder it back on - but because it was pewter (probably a lead-heavy pewter at that), it melted, and I remember my despair over it being ruined. (My dad tried to make it up to me; for several Christmases after, I received some kind of a mouse-shaped brooch in my stocking). But I thought of it again and thought "wouldn't it be funny if I could replace it." I couldn't find it, of course - for all I know it could have been an artist piece made in small numbers that he bought somewhere.
I don't know why I sometimes have a desire to purchase things I had and lost as a kid (or that I never had - I've bought a few books that I read multiple times as a kid from the library, just to have my own copy).
I also admit I sometimes look at the Monchhichi dolls (which they still make). Those were hugely popular rich-kid toys when I was a kid; they could have a whole wardrobe of clothes bought for them and you could dress them for every occasion and I loved toys like that, where they had pajamas you could put them in at night, or a coat for the winter....even if I really didn't like monkeys, so Monchhichi wouldn't have been the idea ones. I've not bought one yet, though of course I have the Barbies with a shocking amount of clothes (many of them older handmade items bought off Etsy).
But I was feeling a little nostalgic and maybe missing-people-I've-lost, even including my grandmothers. (I didn't know either of my grandfathers that well; they died when I was quite young)
And I got home and saw two of the way-down-the-street neighbors shouting at each other and almost in a slapfight. I watched for a moment from the safety of my porch but it didn't seem to escalate, so I didn't call it in (The woman was slapping at the man, he had his arms up to ward it off. I can never tell in these cases how serious it is; I know some couples play-fight and while that is absolutely not me - not that I've ever really been part of a "couple," still, I do know abuse is a thing. But then they walked off and I figured it wasn't my circus or my monkeys).
What would make me happy? I don't know at this point. Maybe a day with someone who was a good friend, to go somewhere and do stuff and not have to think or talk about work or worry about things. Maybe to have someone fix a meal for me. Or maybe just to feel comfortable again - this weekend, going around, I asked myself: "How much longer are you going to mask in public?" and I realized I don't have a good off-ramp for it in my mind. I said at one point, "when cases get down below 10 per 100,000" but that might never happen? And I do think I'm still dealing with some trauma/worry from the whole thing where I think I'd feel ANXIOUS being around people I didn't know without a mask. Oh, I know they're not perfect protection; don't lecture me about that. I realize at this point it's purely psychological. But also I notice I'm a lot less comfortable in public than I was in the past - like, I can't imagine a day now of going and hitting ALL the stores like I once did - ducking in four different places this weekend was a LOT for me and I was worn out afterward.
I ask myself a lot, "what would make you happy?" and I find these days sometimes it takes me a while to come up with something.
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