Need this today

 

Last night was a bad night; one of the evenings when the full horror of "you might be living like this for five more years" descended on me, where I thought of all the small companionable things I used to do with other people and will probably not do again haunted me, where I was troubled by "it's going to be 106 F heat index tomorrow, do I make my students go outside in that or do I change labs on a dime and work with people who won't have time to read the new lab?" and just the attendant decision-fatigue, and also the feeling that I'm stuck in Groundhog Day but with no chance at a redemption arc because apparently my trying to be kind and understanding doesn't cut ice in this particular AU....and yeah, I cried a lot. 

As I told a friend: I'm definitely not okay. I'm okay enough to function, but I'm not okay.

At least today it's a new month and yes I screamed "RABBIT RABBIT" as the first words out of my mouth when rising in order to maybe use superstition to improve things.

And F it, I'm calling it: It's fall. It might be 106 F outside and the West Coast might be on fire, but it's fall now, so it's time for Pumpkin Dancing Man and at some point soon I will get out my Halloween lights and put them up, and my Halloween doormat. And last night I burned the "First Frost" candle I bought - it's peppermint and conifer and a little bit of citrus, and yes it DOES smell to me like an autumn evening. 

I expect I'll have more bad days before this is over, and maybe worse days than last night was. But maybe I have to look for the small things in this, I don't know.