figured it out

 I figured out why the glitch with the presentation last night upset me so much: I was perceiving it as "this is a connection with other people; this is me getting to (sort of) be part of a group I belong to but haven't been able to meet with" and it not working was just kind of....a bridge too far last night.

I'm better this morning but still tired and sad and just wondering if there will be good things in the future to make having a future seem worth it. I can't just spend the rest of my life grinding at work; that feels futile. I need something to give my life happiness and meaning and no, work doesn't really give the same meaning it once did. 

Maybe this is just my 40 years wandering in the desert? Hopefully I at least get to SEE the Promised Land before I die. But I have screamed to the seemingly empty air at times about why I was forsaken, why I worked hard all my life and tried to follow the rules, just to be met with....all this. 

If I had actual talent I'd turn this agony into art but I don't so I just have to sit, uncomfortably, with it.