A new month

 Hopefully things will be better this month.

First "real" soils lab today, where students do actual procedures. For a lot of these I am splitting the class in half, doing two lab exercises one week with one half, doing the same two the next week with the other half. This deals with the equipment shortages and also with distancing, and heck, maybe in the future I try to do it like this, if my classes are not so enormous?

Part of it is that there was a solid group of students in this lab group, so it was enjoyable. It felt almost normal, even though we were all masked and trying to distance. 

Tomorrow will be easier; just one lecture and then I do need to prep for Friday's biostats class. And do a couple other little things. 

 I give two exams this week, but in these current weird times, they are online and not in-class - which buys me a little more class time BUT it also means I don't get that little break, and don't get to proctor and knit, and you know? I miss that. I miss a lot of the little things that were "normal" but that I never really thought of as such. 

This is also my birthday month, though I don't anticipate being able to celebrate in any way like I used to. I have ordered a couple little gifts for myself though they might come a bit after the day (both of them are artist-made things, and the artists need time to work. But that's fine! It's nice to have things in the slightly-distant future to look forward to - things that are certain, unlike "maybe the pandemic will end" which at this point begins to feel to me like "When Jesus returns and sets everything on this Earth right!")

Maybe I get a carry out dinner? I don't know. My birthday falls on a Saturday, and in the before-times that would be a much-coveted day to have it, because I could go antiquing and out for lunch, but this year that feels slightly inadvisable. (Maybe not the antiquing? that might be okay)

(I was disappointed by the mail-ordered Thanksgiving meal I got, and the stress of waiting for UPS to get it to me was not worth it. So if I'm getting something someone else cooked I am ordering something locally and picking it up.)

The thing is, I can't really think of a pandemic-safe thing I would enjoy doing. Maybe go up to the park and walk around but I canNOT count on that because there's always a chance the weather is too bad - raining, or cold, or even icy. And I like having things planned in advance, so saying "well maybe I go up to Chickasaw" and having no real alternative to that would be a path to disappointment; I know myself too well - if I have plans and they have to change I often cannot enjoy the "changed" plan. 

Really, the only thing I want is for my mom to get a vaccine appointment....I can tell she is worried about her safety, and bored staying strictly home, but it just takes a long time. 

 I did make a counseling appointment for this week, after class one day. I renegotiated to do in person but masked after initially saying "telehealth" because I thought the counselor used something like Zoom, which would have been okay, but she meant a literal phone call, and I can't quite with that, I need to see someone's face (well, their eyes at least) while I'm talking to them. I think some of it will be trying to figure out ideas to make this feel more "normal" for me, since I assume we will be in it at least another year, but also to explore how I'm feeling about work - that a lot of days I just feel like I'm doing a bad job, and I'm not getting as much as I need to done. 

(If in fact I AM doing enough and am doing okay given all the constraints - well, it would be awfully helpful to have people at work who were above me in the food chain telling my that. I know my chair is a little overwhelmed and at the best of times she is not terribly demonstrative. But hearing a "I know you feel like you're struggling but really you are doing okay" would make me feel so much better. )

 Also, I am concerned about my memory. I literally barely remember January outside of having food poisoning and getting a COVID test. I don't know if a lot of people feel like they aren't laying down memories right now or if this is abnormal and maybe I have to schedule a CT scan or something to be sure I don't have some kind of illness or damage. 

The thing is, in this, a lot of the things I WANT are simply things I cannot have, and it's not helpful to try to find substitutes, because they're not the same.  I know that's always been a problem I have; I want what I want and having to change plans or find a substitute bothers me, even something as simple as going to a restaurant (well, back when I did that) and finding out the thing I wanted was sold out or whatever. 

I need to go to bed earlier tonight; I stayed up too late and was also upset after talking to my mom and hearing all her problems trying to get a vaccine appointment, and then worrying about that.