A small epiphany

 I realized something this morning, partly why I've been so unhappy through this. A lot of this is a change of how things used to be.

The biggest thing? There are so many things that have been out of my control - from the mail slowing down and packages just disappearing, to the street repairs where we're not warned what streets may be closed, to not-knowing if it's safe to go places.

And yet, I still have all the responsibilities - I had to call the bookstore today to find out what was going on about a student being unable to get a book, and as a result I had to change the due dates on some things. And I still have to teach four classes and some time find time to do the assessment work, and I have research going undone.

So: lack of agency plus lots of responsibility - it's the worst parts of childhood AND adulthood together, and you don't get as many of the good parts of being an adult any more.

This may also partly explain my deep longing for things that were "good things" when I was a kid:

- someone to cook food for me, and serve it, and I don't really have any expectations other than maybe helping a little with the dishes

- someone to tell me things are going to be okay when I am worried

- someone to bring me a blanket and comfy slippers when I am sitting watching tv barefoot. 

- just being able to lose myself in play. I can't do that any more, not even with working on crafts, which is the closest to "play" I can get as an adult.