This and that

* Horrible news of the world today, on top of all the ongoing horrors, very large explosions in Beirut that killed at least 50 people, injured many more, and rendered an even larger number homeless. Some days I really do wonder if we are witnessing some kind of cosmic actor trying to make the human race extinct, and bad things will just keep on happening until we are all gone. And of course those of us among the later groups to die will have to watch all the horrors first.

My family slightly knew some people from Lebanon but I think they were from the rural area, and most of the family had emigrated here, and anyway, we've lost touch with them after my dad died.

* Also, it's not my story to tell so there are minimal details given here, but someone I was friends with on a certain level is being hounded off of social media for basically "mean girls" reasons and it breaks my heart to lose contact with yet another person.

I think people ARE getting meaner right now, and crueler on social media. It's a very ugly efflorescence of all the stress and unhappiness we are feeling - people are acting out in bad ways and they are just adding to other people's misery and I dislike that.

* All of my old abandonment fears have ramped up to 11. Part of them are that I am not "special" enough to deserve help if I need it (I am not rich enough to pay for help, but not needy enough for the people who do assistance-type things to do anything but look at me and go "you've got resources, help yourself.") and that I have no one here to advocate for me (like: if I were to be hospitalized seriously ill). But also that I will wind up all alone with no one to talk to. And I know on some level these are very deep and primal fears, related to stuff that happened when I was a kid (being abandoned by friends more than once, having false friends who pretended to be my friend only to turn around and mock me) but when you are alone as much as I am, your head becomes kind of an echo chamber for your ruminations and it's hard not to look at everything going on and wonder if you're going to have anyone in the future to care about, and if you're even going to survive this time - because it's all on me to keep myself going, and it's so hard some times

* I also hit a wall again this afternoon. I had the video to watch today, had to do a virtual building tour/answer session for a prospective student (who either was not that interested, was shy, or was overwhelmed, and so I feel like I kind of failed at it). I read a few chunks out of "Horizontal Yellow" and the author says some...uncomfortable and possibly false things and it didn't help my mood.

And then I got up to come home and almost forgot my mask (we can take them off in our offices, and also I was the only person in the building today) and I stepped back to get it, and as I put it on - to be technically-legal in the hall, because I am a rule-following nerd - I said to myself, "I will probably be doing this for the rest of my life" (I have very little hope we will ever beat the virus at this point. Even IF any of the vaccines work). And I thought "Is this the rest of my life now? Never going anywhere, never seeing anyone except from a distance, always alone, always lonely?" and I'm just....I don't know. It's just hard.

Part of this is being tired, it being summer, me being worried about both "how on earth am I going to make this coming fall even work" coupled with "dear God I hope no one gets seriously sick" coupled with "it's just horrible to have to walk around like this now" coupled with "holy crap, my workload this fall is going to be twice what it is in a normal fall, but I cannot expect any help, or any slackening of other duties, and of course any extra pay is out of the question, I will be happy if I still have a job at the end of  this"

It's like when you have one of those big drink cups from somewhere, and it's got a lot of that dumb crushed ice in it, and you're almost out of your soda, and you tip the cup just a little too far to get the last bit, and all the ice hits you in the face, and it's an unpleasant shock? It's like that, again and again and again.

* I find myself looking at stuffed animals online even thought I (1) do not need any more, do not have room for any more, (2) should not be spending the money, and (3) they are not actually substitutes for friends and I know that intellectually but there is enough weird buried lizard brain emotion to make me think if I find exactly the right one it will make me happier and will make me feel better but of course that's not true. 

* I don't even know what to have for dinner. If I didn't need to reduce I'd just get some kind of carry out food, a pizza or barbecue or something, let someone else go to the effort of cooking.

(I think one of the other things in this that gets to me: I have no one to take care of me, but me. And conversely: I have no one to take care of. And I didn't realize how important that was to me)

* I am working on stuff. I put the binding on a quilt but I just don't have the motivation to go photograph the whole thing right now (carrying it out to the backyard, finding a spot clean enough to spread it out on the ground....it's too big to hang on the clothes line)

so here is a tiny photo for now. Maybe this weekend I will feel up to photographing the whole thing.

I also carried the socks in progress with me today because I was sitting through an hour long video on "bells and whistles in Zoom" and honestly it probably could have been a five page handout, but whatever.

I made a tomato pie last night (basically: pizza crust, slightly parbaked, sliced fresh tomatoes covered with a ton of Italian herb mix and powdered garlic, cook for about 10 minutes, top with cheese). I suppose I could heat that up but I don't always love eating the same thing two nights in a row, especially something this acidy - I have to be careful about acid foods these days and space them out, having stomach issues again, probably stress.

It's a good use of tomatoes BUT I should have put the slices between paper towels for a bit to drain off more of the juice - I'm afraid the leftover pie may be a bit liquidy.

Still, not sure I want that for dinner. I don't know WHAT I want. The burden of feeding myself gets to be too much some days. Especially when I'm trying to only go to the grocery once a week - there's relatively little in the house right now. I have cheese, but I eat too much cheese. I have eggs, but I'm not sure I want eggs, and what veggies do you eat with eggs anyway? Part of me wants to throw a tantrum and say "OKAY then I am eating NOTHING for dinner because there is NOTHING I WANT and NOTHING is APPEALING" but I also know I have to take some evening medication and it absorbs better if I have food, and so I'll have to figure something out.