A year on

well, almost.

Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of my dad's death. It seems both very long and surprisingly short.

My plans, as of now, are to go up to Chickasaw National Recreation Area - I mentioned this a while back. Our R0 is apparently trending down and I guess they're open. Even if not everything is open I can at least drive through, and I suspect the parking lots will be open. I'll avoid any crowded areas.

Have decided despite my desired plan to reduce, that I'm NOT going to take food with me (just water, you always need to have water when out in the heat) and if I NEED something I will find a place I can drive through.

(I might change my mind tomorrow. I do have a cold pack and an insulated bag, so I could take some cheese and bread and fruit if I decide to).

I don't know. I guess this has kind of been weighing on my mind on top of everything else. Some days it does feel like the world is literally crumbling. I'm glad, in a sick way, my dad wasn't here for COVID and all the weird paramilitary stuff  and just all the breakdown I seem to be seeing all around.

As I told my friend Dana a year ago - I'm not okay now. But I will be okay eventually.

It's just, "eventually" is taking a lot longer than I thought it would, because of external world factors.

This is a shot of the crocheted afghan that I started shortly after he died. It's still not done. I suppose in a way that's symbolic.

I think I'm going to watch the (re-run, probably) of Bob's Burgers that comes on at 8 and then just turn in early. I am very tired. I hope that is just allergies but it might also just be the weight of everything pushing down on me.

I tried going for a short drive this afternoon (a big loop, east to Bokchito, north from there to Caddo, and then home on the interstate) but it helped less than I'd hoped. A lot of just empty space, hayfields and stands of cedar trees. And I don't think it helped that the music Sirius XM was playing was Rachmaninov's "Symphonic Dances," I find most of his music pretty somber to begin with and it didn't help my mood.