a better day

I had grading I COULD have done last night, but decided to test the corollary to the old saying about "work expands to fill the time allotted" and instead take my couple hours of office hours this morning to do it, in the hopes that I can squish the grading down into a shorter time. (It seems to be working; I'm about half through with it, an hour in).

So I went home at the end of the day. Ran to the bank to deposit a check, then ran to the city hall and paid my property taxes (I like to pay them in person so I have the receipt in hand) and dropped the Toys for Tots toys off at the chamber of commerce. (I would like, though, to sometimes see a news story on how this helps people; I think some of my frustration of late is that I keep trying to do "good" in this world but I never see the effects of that "good," and having to trust that it's actually doing something to make things better gets to be hard after a while. I remember someone once making a comment about the Nativity, how the shepherds were lucky: they could just walk to the stable, and see God, there in a manger. And the rest of us, we have to believe it (if we do) and yes, that's harder. Having faith is hard sometimes, all the more so I think when live keeps kicking you)

But I do the things anyway. Maybe some day I'll find out they had some good effect; I hope I do.

Did a more vigorous workout than I had been doing (more about that later), washed some sheets, changed the sheets on the bed (usually I sleep better the night after doing that). Puttered around a bit but spent some time knitting on a long-stalled pair of simple socks - I would like to finish up some of the stalled-out projects I have - several socks, a simple cowl, a much more complex lace cowl, a couple sweaters....I tend to start stuff and then either get busy, or find the project is at an inconvenient stage for carrying around (much of my knitting, sadly, these days, gets done while invigilating exams). And then I get attracted to a new project, and forget the old ones. So I would like to go through and clear out some of those. I started with the easiest ones - the Vanilla Latte socks pattern made of a bright, rainbow-striped yarn. (I am still contemplating tossing these in with  my mom's gift if I finish them. I'm not sure they're colors she would wear though). And I should pull the Pocketses vest back out and see if I can finish the back and get started on one of the fronts in time for invigilating finals; it's mostly stockinette, which is ideal for that kind of thing.

But I do sleep better when I take a little time to myself. That's a good reminder. I graded up until bedtime Tuesday night and it took me forever to fall asleep, and then I think I slept badly.

(College faculty, I think, are notoriously bad at that kind of self-care. Because we have jobs where we could literally always be working - whether doing background reading, teaching prep, or grading, it's very easy to slip into panic "must get this done NOW" mode and neglect things like house cleaning or sleep)

I think also having unfinished things hanging around is not great for me psychologically. I very much have the attitude of "I want to put a pin in this" and I know some of my rage at the "gee I forgot my homework, can I bring it next class meting?" or "I couldn't quite get the paper done, can I hand it in next week" is that I would like to do THE ENTIRE STACK OF GRADING RIGHT AFTER RECEIVING IT AND CALL IT DONE and I can't do that with late papers dribbling in. And maybe unfinished knitting projects, even 'out of sight' in bags, has a similar effect?

I also have some things to think about. I am probably going to make a dessert for the CWF potluck Monday, but what dessert? I am leaning towards a cake of some kind, but I don't know what recipe to do - the plain old hot milk sponge, and then frost it? Or dig out my mom's maraschino cherry cake recipe, and do that? (That one....it's good with cream cheese icing and I know there's one woman in the group who's allergic to chocolate, so maybe that would be good). And I need to get the makings for the turkey meatballs I always do for AAUW this week - the party is next Thursday. (And I do a second batch for Family Christmas at the church next Sunday). And think about if I want to bake cookies for my colleagues for next week. (Right now, my plan is to stay home this weekend - I can get what I need here in town, I think, and the stores are nuts on pre-Christmas weekends; I have tentatively blocked out Tuesday as a "fun shopping day" for me)

But yes: "I just want to bake stuff and watch Christmas movies." I thought about watching Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas on Amazon Prime last night (have not seen it since I was a child) but then I happened to hear a recording of one of the pivotal songs ("Where the River Meets the Sea"), which is sort of a non-denominational and generically-spiritual "what happens to us after we die?" and I just couldn't - I cried through the song. So I don't know. It's probably a small part of the whole special but yeah. (I don't remember why it would be in there, maybe "what happened to Emmet's father?" I'm guessing)

(I should look if they have "The Homecoming" - which was like a pilot for "The Waltons," just with different actors in some of the roles (the parents were different; Olivia was played by Patricia Neal). It has a different FEEL (somehow, it is less "cuddly" than the actual series was; the parents in particular seem more no-nonsense) but I also remember enjoying it when I saw it a few years ago.

But I admit: I tend to like watching the shows (or reading the books; I often re-read the relevant chapters of the Little House books) where Christmases were smaller and less-materialistic. In a weird way, I think it's me reminding myself "don't be disappointed if you don't get a "fun" present" (my parents, especially my mom, tend to be very practical people. And also this year, I am having a hard time coming up with gift ideas. Again last night she asked me for some hints and I protested that I'd been too busy, that I hadn't had time to look at catalogs and I know that makes it harder for her but it's true. I suppose I could ask for a gift card to Ulta (there is one up there so she could get it) or Michael's or something, but gift cards aren't that much fun. I want to tell her, "just surprise me, even nice hand lotion from the Walgreen's near you would be good, or maybe some kind of little stuffed animal again like when I was a kid" but it's hard for me to say that for some reason.)

I do need to look at the Bas Bleu catalog; usually I can find a book or something in there.

But really? I just want some kind of little surprise. It doesn't have to be perfect. Like I said: hand lotion, or a new lipstick, or some kind of little stuffed animal, or even some kind of different candy I don't normally see (efforts to reduce be darned).

But anyway: at least I slept better last night. Except, when I woke up and stretched? I got a giant cramp in my right quadricep so I guess today needs to be a rest day (and I probably need to be drinking more water than I do). And now my upper-back muscles are hurting. I used to not be this sore after "overdoing" it with exercise but I guess this is part of being 50?

This afternoon, after I finish my grading here, I'm going home. Well, I also need to go out for an oil change in the car, but then I'm going home. And cooking a better dinner (I have ground lamb for lamb loaf). And taking a long hot shower to try to fix my back. And then I am going to just sit and knit - in fact, I give an exam tomorrow, so maybe I see if I can get Pocketses to the point where it will be an easy knit again. (Or, failing that - I take the simple cowl with me and work on that)

But yes. This has been a VERY long and difficult semester. I am glad it is drawing to a close and I want a little comfort, cheer, and happiness, whether that's in the form of sharing food with friends, or knitting on projects, or doing different things (like decorating a Christmas tree at my mother's house, and yes, she plans to have one this year). I really feel the "need for joy and cheer" this year, more than many other years. I know a lot of people need it because "winter is cold and it gets dark early" and that never affected me much before this year...