My plans for this evening (after grief counselling) is probably an early dinner and either a hot shower or warm bath and I am going to work on one of the two hats I have going right now (the AAUW hat or the one for my brother).
* I had to rip back on my brother's hat; the pattern called for doing twisted rib and I'd been doing plain. I had about an inch done and was almost ready to say "forget it, it will look OK and he won't care" but then I remembered that twisted rib is sometimes a bit more "clingy" and you want that with a hat brim, so I ripped back. And yeah, the twisted rib does look nicer so I'm glad I did it now.
* I think I maybe need to 'go small' for a while - look for the little things that please me. I'm frustrated at work (this has not been a good semester - got the one article I submitted rejected, have had no motivation to do a rewrite even though the editor suggested a direction I could go; have not made much progress on other research. And I'm having trouble with one of my classes and I can't tell if it's me, if it's them, or if it's a little of both) so maybe I need to find "meaning" outside of that.
Heh. I was reading an Ask MeFi question this morning about someone who was fundamentally asking "why am I even here? Is my life just waiting for the dreaded inevitable of going to work each morning* and, ultimately, death?" and while I am not THAT bad I admit some days I feel like my "purpose" has ebbed away a little bit; I haven't recently had a student that made me go "whoa, I can help this person change their life" or something like that - which is the main satisfaction I get from my job; I'd be lying if I claimed my research was anything important and I mainly do it because it's expected of me. But anyway, people pointed out what I thought - that the person was depressed and probably needed help with that first.
Someone else suggested he read Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" (Which I *think* I remember being referenced on "The Good Place"? I need to rewatch season 1 and finish season 2 and probably get season 3 on dvd).
And I wonder: Should I maybe read that, given the extended period of gazing into the abyss and periodically going, "So this is it, then? This is my life?" in the aftermath of my dad's death. (I think that thing of going through the 45-years-worth of paperwork of his, and seeing 95% of it go to a recycling dumpster, affected me more profoundly than I realized).
The problem is, books like that, I don't know going in if they will *help* or if they will make me more sad/angry - because apparently Frankl wrote it about surviving the death camps at Auschwitz, and right now I have zero tolerance for thinking about the too-many ways in which humanity is inhumane to other humans.
I *almost* asked on Twitter if people thought I should read it, but I figured I'd get contradictory answers (and a few joke answers) and so I'd be no further ahead.
(*Sounded like they had a worse job than I do, though, and made considerably less money)
* I admit I've been looking at Amazon off and on, contemplating ordering yet another stuffed animal. I do this when I am sad/at loose ends and I really should not - both the cost and the lack of storage space. I got the World Wildlife Fund catalog of "adoptable" animals (send them a $55 donation, as a premium you can pick a stuffed animal of some endangered species. Of course, you can also donate without the premium, and I suppose that's what a person really SHOULD do, but...) Most of the animals are Wild Republic brand and can be found for not many monies* on Amazon (So I suppose: you could donate-without-premium and then separately order the animal you wanted). So far, I've held off....
(*And yes, I know, there's also the looming question of "what are the people who sew those stuffed animals paid, and how are they treated in their workplace" and I admit when I see a $15 stuffed animal I wonder, because even with a lot more "automation help" (like: die cutting the plush) I would not make a stuffed toy other than a VERY simple one for $15. And yes, there's also the question of how poorly Amazon staffers are paid and all that....the problem is, if you let yourself go "Full Chidi," you wind up naked in the woods trying to survive off wild mushrooms because at least they are just decomposers and the mushrooms aren't even the vegetative part, they're a fruiting body that the fungus can afford to replace....)
* But yeah: going "small" and attending to my own life and trying not to worry about the Big Questions because they are too worrisome. A couple of thoughts:
- The moments of real happiness I have noticed? Playing in Bell Choir and to a lesser extent, practicing piano. Because it eats up my full attention and also in bell choir I know other people are depending on me to play the right note at the right time and I can kind of briefly forget the things eating at my brain.
- Christmas preparations are good. I was prepared to be sad (thinking of the people lost in recent years, especially my dad) as I put up my tree but I.....mostly wasn't? I do still need to get out the poinsettia tablecloth and the wreath for my front door and decide if I'm going to put up the lighted garland over the window this year.
- Looking forward to another weekend "off" (I don't even care at this point, I think my post-tenure review/productivity review for this year is hosed anyway so I might as well be happy instead of pushing myself to do something that's too late to help). I am going antiquing again, with a goal of looking to see if there are any 'vintagey' ornaments you want (if you watched either or both of my tree videos, you know I have a thing for 1970s/80s era ornaments - and older ones, too, if they're a reasonable price. It's a way of recalling one of the happier parts of my childhood: Christmas was a big deal in my family, we decorated a lot, and I remember Christmas as mostly being a happy time - I was away from the bullies at school, my family did fun things (we baked cookies and I got to play in the snow and we did stuff like going out to look at Christmas lights in the evening) and it's nice to be able to recall some of that.
- I also maybe want to run to JoAnn's/the bookstore and just buy a bunch of the "Christmas numbers" of craft/decorating magazines to look at. Because that's fun, too. And I want to find yarn for Rainibow Sprimkle; maybe that will be my "fun" project once I get back from Thanksgiving. (At this point I am in full "knit for Christmas" mode but I think I can get things done; I might take the last pair of my mom's socks to work in in secret over Thanksgiving; I may be choosing to retreat to "my" room a bit just to get away from All The People)
* Maybe the answer, oddly enough, is....trying to live in the moment more? It seems I'm happiest these days when I'm addressing something very immediate (like counting measures in Bell Choir so I come in at the right time) rather than thinking long-term. I know I still have to kind of think long term - the only way to keep going at work is to have things Tetrised out two weeks in advance - but if I think TOO far in advance, like "what about in 10 years or more when your mom is gone?" or "what about your retirement," that's when the howling void starts to open up in my mind.
And now I realize: that's how I've always done it in the past when I was happier. I didn't really look at the big picture because I always just kind of assumed there'd be a better future.....that I'd get a good job. Or I'd "meet someone." (Gah. Every fall semester of grad school: "Well, maybe there will be a Nice New Guy in one of the other labs on campus") or "in the future I'll have time to knit up this yarn I'm buying" and now that I'm 50, I guess I'm letting the fact that....there might not be that glorious bright future catch up with me, and it makes me sad. (That it's very, very unlikely I will "meet someone" at this point, and anyway, dating in your 50s is hecka messy and difficult. And that it's unlikely I WILL have time to make all the quilts I want or knit all the things I want).
And, I don't know. Maybe a little self-deception is good, actually? Maybe living as if "maybe next week there will be some guy visiting church and weirdly he will be like me, someone who never dated much (so no ex drama) and he and I turn out to be compatible" was possible, maybe living as if "of course I should buy this yarn I want, why, I could start that project in just a few weeks" would shut up the howling void?
I don't know. I know they say "the unexamined life is not worth living" but it seems to me of late, examining life too closely just makes you sad and anxious and instead I'd rather pretend to be a Beatrix Potter character wearing a little apron and making jam tarts and whose biggest worry is whether there will be enough to feed the bumblebees when they come over to tea.
* So anyway: gonna try to live in the moment more, maybe. Or if the moment is unpleasant, use my imagination to distract myself.
1 comment:
Everyone has a theory about how life should be lived ("in the moment" or "examined" or whatever) but if it doesn't work for you it's wrong.
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