It's still hard

Yes, several people other places have pointed out that "surviving the 2010s is good enough, you are good enough" but to me? being a perfectionist? saying "I survived and that is good enough" feels like far too low of a bar. Though maybe "I survived without slapping anyone" is a slightly higher bar and I can claim that as well.

Hard things are still hard. Last night I found out a Particular Individual I was not counting on being at my dad's memorial service will be there and this is just yet another person whose feelings I will have to manage, where they will Say Things and I will just have to squash down any desire to self-defend or explain in the interest of Not Causing a Scene (on their part, not mine) and it makes me so tired. SO TIRED.

Maybe they'll be OK? I know they started therapy and meds a while back and maybe they've got some things sorted. I hope. There will still be other difficult people there, though. And I am bracing, as the only non-coupled, not-the-widow female, to have a lot of the "so-and-so needs a glass of water" or "the dishes need to be washed" or whatever fall on to me. I mean, it's OK, I get it, but....when you're used to taking care of just yourself, it's hard to be expected to do stuff for other people, especially other adults whose arms and legs all work and all of that.

Also this morning, the funeral director e-mailed me a copy of the short obit to go in the paper as a reminder/announcement of the service. It's on me to proofread this as my mom doesn't have e-mail currently (one of my goals over break is to set her up with something like a .gmail account and teach her how to use it because gaaaaaaah it's getting to be a lot for me to deal with this on top of my other life-stuff too)

And yes, the grief counsellor brought up the idea of setting healthy boundaries and I probably (and she agrees) tend to go too far towards the passive, "doing this to keep the peace" side of things where I do the stuff and then resentment builds up in me, but I'm too polite to actually SAY anything or, you know, do a slap-dash job of it so I don't get asked again.

I am making myself a couple promises/reminders:

1. Get through all of this, and you can buy yourself a nice big indulgent thing. Maybe the Calico Critters dollhouse you've been thinking about getting for like a year and a half? Or maybe a sweater's worth of Noro yarn (I know a lot of people dislike Noro, but the vegetable matter/scratchiness don't bother me, and the colors delight me)

2. This is just one week. When it is over, you will be back here for a couple weeks on your own (and you can go to Whitesboro the Saturday between the end of classes and exam week, if you want). And then after that it will be just you and your mom for Christmas and you can probably figure out some new traditions for just the two of you to do and even if all you do is bake cookies to take to the neighbors that is something different.

3. And in a couple weeks, this semester will be over and hopefully next semester will be better and you will make fewer mistakes and you will also not have so many students who just randomly skip and then expect you to catch them up/let them hand in tons of stuff late, and you won't have people who are either underprepared or not doing the work avoiding getting help until it's too late.


This morning was not good. I could not find my car key anywhere. I had to have it last night; I drove home from Board meeting. Either I dropped it and it's buried in leaf litter in the yard (and I may never find it then), or I set it down somewhere really illogical and don't remember. It's also possible it's in the laundry hamper; I checked the pockets of what I had been wearing but if it fell out and fell down into the laundry....it could still be there.

I had a spare, but because I have a mind that makes symbols out of everything, losing the key bothers me greatly.

And I was so flustered over that, I got off without my knitting bag. And dangit, yes, I went back, because I am giving a 75 minute exam this morning and I am not just going to stand there and stare at people for 75 minutes with nothing to do.

And then got the obit in the e-mail to look over. So I would very much like for today to be over to the point where I can go home and lock the door against the rest of the world and just do my grading (which I have to do) and then, I don't know, stare at the tv and knit I guess.


I did order some yarn yesterday, so I guess that might count as a pre-fluster. Got some Dream-in-Color in a worsted weight, it's a cream background with primary colors on it but the colorway is called "Awesome! Wow!" because I have a shortage of that in my life and maybe somehow (I also believe in sympathetic magic, I guess), making myself a hat out of it (I want a Bankhead hat for myself) maybe will help me find the awesome? Maybe?

I also ordered some grey for the Scone Shawl in the newest Knitscene; I don't have a gray shawl and it's worsted-weight so hopefully it will work up quickly.

And I ordered a couple of their snowy owl needlekeepers. They are very pretty and I wanted one and since my mom is slowly getting back into doing handwork, I decided that IF we do stockings this year (I hope we do, I would miss it), I can put one in hers. (If we do stockings, I could offer to get stuff for hers; I already have one or two small things and I could probably find some bits of candy that she would like - she is not a big fan of chocolate but there are some things she likes) - and she could do mine.


So anyway. I have promised myself another Weekend Of Self-Care which actually for me mostly takes the form of shopping. I am going to the big antique store in Sherman and also to the JoAnn's and I need a couple things at Ulta. I don't need to do big food shopping as I will be leaving on the 21st, so I could just pick up milk and fresh veggies at the supertarget instead of making the run over to the Kroger's....and spend most of my time at antiques shops.

Also I might just go home tomorrow afternoon and write my exam for next week while AT HOME. Where I can have cartoons on the tv or Christmas music and have my tree lit next to me while I work. Because it makes things a LITTLE nicer.

But all that said: I long for things to go better, to be better. For me to feel like I'm not forever grinding on stuff that's just discouraging (grading. Grading is eternal) and to get a little breathing space and to be able to work on something where I can say "I made that." The worst thing about teaching is you never see the effects of it; it's something you do and it's "gone" and you have to do it again. I know that in Zen Buddhism, sand paintings are done in part to remind the creators of the impermanence of life and all that, but dangit, I'm not a Zen Buddhist and I crave to feel like I have done something that has some lasting quality to it, and I've not had much of that this fall.