today was long

My regular class, my lab class (and it's a taxing lab, too, because of Reasons). Meeting about the new hire. I spent my office hours largely re-evaluating the top-ten candidates, then found out I really didn't need to do it in the level of detail I did.

* I feel really flat and tired right now because (a) Because of Reasons, the taxing class was extra-taxing today and (b) I have been having bad dreams - either oppressive, lots of imagery, or uncomfortable ones:

- Friday night: driving down a highway at night and in the rain in an unfamiliar car and my headlights would keep turning themselves off and I wouldn't notice it for several minutes (this is a common dream for me and often recurs when there's some future uncertainty in my life. It's like, subconscious, you kind of fail at being subtle here. And okay, here's the thing: my excellent chair is up for an admit job and I'm afraid she'll get it and I don't know who our new chair will be and am praying I am not pressured into it because not only do I not WANT the job (small amount more money but infinite more work), I also fear it would LITERALLY shorten my life because of the stress. And I am a people-pleaser to the max and to be a good chair you need to be the kind of person who can tell people to go pound sand when they need to.)

- Dream about having forgotten to give the exam in my class today, forgetting it Wednesday, and then being left with "do I just cancel the field lab and give the exam then"

- Dream that was a bizarre mash up of My Little Ponies and Bob's Burgers....all I remember of it was all the Ponies sitting at the restaurant counter, and Rarity being angry at the others because they wanted to stage a Seder even though they weren't Jewish (she was) and was pointing out how it was disrespectful (I did read some debate about "should Christians ever do anything like a Seder" online so at least I know where that came from). And yes, Rarity being Jewish is sometimes a fan theory put forward, I am not sure why.  (Why not Rainbow Dash? Or the Pie family?)

- there were others but I remember so little of them I can't say anything of them. But I am tired. Sometimes I get like this, it's like my brain decides to go full Marie Kondo on stuff I've seen or read for the past week, and I have a couple nights of terrible oppressive dreams.


* I made devilled short ribs last night. This was a recipe I'd wanted to try for a while - a mix of onion, 1 T dry mustard, 1T Worcestershire, 1 t curry, 1/4 t cayenne, mix with a cup of water and add to a Dutch oven where you've browned the short ribs (recipe was for four pounds, I used two). You braise it at 350 for a couple hours. (I should have checked and added more water; it did wind up cooking dry but I don't think it damaged the Dutch oven). It was surprisingly good.

I probably should go through that cookbook more: it's Betty Crocker's International Cookbook - a little older, maybe late 70s/early 80s? I remember my mom had it when I was a kid. Everything she ever made out of it was good, and these short ribs were good. There are some interesting vegetable and potato dishes in there as well.

* I've been mainly working on Ocellus. I have her body, head, and neck done and together (still need to do the snout, "ears," crest, and other embellishments, as well as the legs). She is going to be fairly tiny (compared to the other ponies I've made) but that is cute and good. I also found the "Perfect Pink" Red Heart and a color called Grenadine which is a little more hot-pink than the "Flamingo" called for but it will serve for her elytra (like the outer wings on a beetle). Got them at wal-mart, a good bit cheaper than what Amazon listed them for.

* This is going to be a busy week but I also kind of wish I had some time to just work on stuff like Ocellus. It feels good to just make stuff. I think some of my malaise is that I don't have as much time to do that as I once did. Maybe this summer. Though I hate putting off what I *want* to do for future-times, because - as I was reminded again yesterday - that future-time may never come for you.

But that does make me sad. I don't know how to pivot from doing all the things that other people want me to do to doing mainly the things I want to do. There are an AWFUL lot of things I do that don't "spark joy," and yet, I feel, to keep my job (or keep people around me happy), I must do them. I don't know where to find the balance.

I'm guessing that the only people who ONLY do what "sparks joy" for them are those awful people that everyone is annoyed at who somehow manage to slope off all the unpleasant tasks and let others do them, or perhaps a very small number of people like religious contemplatives whose whole life is founded on doing something they feel "called" to do.

I like teaching and all, but there an awful lot of things about it (grading, explaining instructions eight times because of late-comers to class, washing the glassware for the careless students who finish class and leave while I am helping someone else and I don't notice it to nag them to do it) that don't fill me with joy. (Also, I am ever so slightly irritated again at teaching the last intro lab of the week: not only to we often run short on supplies, but we ALWAYS get stuck cleaning up and putting stuff away. More than once I've suggested doing a rota to share the work among all those who teach it, but because that means more work for everyone except me, no one is enthusiastic. At least this go-round I had a good TA who helped me out)

* But yes. I am feeling very worn and very tired and I have BOTH bell choir and CWF tonight and I admit I'd like to just stay home and stare at a wall for a couple hours but I cannot.