Thursday, April 18, 2019

Tenebraes service again

Over the years, in the congregation I belong to, we've tried different things for Holy Week. Some years, a midday Good Friday service, and some years - and most recently now - a Maundy Thursday Tenebraes service.

There are really two parts to the service: first, Maundy Thursday, with communion and, in recent years, "symbolic footwashing" (the minister wipes the dust off people's shoes. Anyone who wishes can come forward and I admit....I'm not there yet. I can't do that. I know it's tied up with the difficulties I have in asking/accepting help from others, but I look at it and go "No, others need that more than I do" or "I don't like being the center of attention" (even though I could not tell you who else from the congregation came up, because I'm not watching).

There is a homily. This year, in the spirit of ecumenism, we invited the local Presbyterian minister to give it - and some of his congregation came. It was a really meaningful homily. The main idea that struck me was: no matter what you've achieved in this life (or not), no matter how important your family is (or not), no matter ANYTHING...you are welcome at the table. And that no one is better or worse than anyone, we are all on absolutely equal footing. (Because, of course, none of us is "worthy" on our own to come; we are only made worthy because we are invited).

And for me...well, that resonates. Literally my deepest need and deepest desire in this life is to be a full part of something, to no longer be the little kid who feels like she's always on the outside looking in, not quite welcome at the "popular kids'" table. And the beauty of a good congregation is - there IS NO "popular kids'" table. It is just one table, and there are no popular kids: we are all the same.

And the other thing, the whole "your worldly accomplishments don't matter" mean that the weeks I am feeling like a failure I am still welcome, just as welcome as on the weeks when I feel like a success - which, being a success in the world doesn't matter either. I don't need to try to earn my way in. (And that's something I have a hard time with in my secular life: feeling like I need to earn my 'right' to be whereever I am).

And then we had communion.

Maundy Thursday comes from the word maundatum (I may not be spelling that right) from which we get "mandate." According to the minister, the "mandate" of Maundy Thursday are the Two Great Commandments (Love God, and love your neighbor) that the disciples were given at that Last Supper.

And then, Tenebraes. This is basically the account of Jesus' trial, crucifixion, death, and burial. What might be done on a Good Friday service, but on Thursday night. Before it, the parments and flowers and the communion elements are removed - and the ministers take off their stoles and lay them aside. Only five candles remain on the table; they are each extinguished in turn, after scripture and some responsive readings. And the lights are turned off in the church - it gets darker and darker as the service proceeds (Hence: tenebraes. For darkness. (Biology fact: Tenebrio molitor is the 'darkling' beetle))

Tenebraes is HARD. It's supposed to be hard. I was close to tears a couple times, and I heard a few people sniffling.

At the end, when all the candles are out, then we leave in silence. Which is hard; we are usually a chatty bunch. But Sunday we will talk again. And hug, and laugh, and all those good things.

And by golly: I was sitting in the service thinking how most of the previous years I did this, storms were either threatening or happening (one year the power may even have gone out, if I remember correctly). But this year - bright and sunny as I walked in. But - walking out into the late evening? Clouds were gathering. As I walked to my car, the wind whipped back around to the north (it had been out of the south), and there are thunderstorms in the area.

I don't know; somehow it seems appropriate to me for there to be dark skies and storms after a Tenebraes service.

(Part of me feels guilty taking Good Friday - a day when many Christians fast and pray - and going to Sherman to go shopping. But then again...having been through Tenebraes, and having gone almost all of Lent without "fun" shopping....I am going to go. I am going to actually get myself some goodies and make myself a little Easter basket, to be enjoyed Easter Sunday after church. And to get some kind of food to make a special Easter meal, even if I have to handwash everything still)

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