Monday afternoon things

- One of those "After the ecstasy, the laundry" days - after a nice day of rejoicing at church and good human interactions, today was not so great.

- Was kind of working along, going along "in my lane" (as the cool kids say), getting some stuff done, and then my day ground to a halt a bit after an unpleasant interaction. Without too much detail: someone who felt the need to show themselves smarter than I am (whatever, I don't care) but also insult me for something I consider a pretty deep and important part of who I am (that, I care more about). And yeah, I wound up feeling bad and not getting as much done as a result.

stupid feelings. I still don't understand why Mr. Data wanted to have them.

And yeah, another part of this was where I put forward the idea that my experience in something was different and that person's experience was *maybe* not universal, and I was fundamentally told my feelings were wrong and my opinion was wrong. (And no, before you ask: this is not a person in a position of any less "privilege" than what I have, and maybe more)

Ugh, yeah. Would like to go and hang out in a blanket fort but can't.

- Even despite that, I got the scholarship picks done and talked with the other people on the committee and we all agree. Even though unfortunately we can't give three (as I thought): one or, at most, two, if the one person who hasn't added classes for the fall yet is actually leaving (of the remaining three: one actually wrote us a letter asking to continue, which is unnecessary, and the other two are already enrolled for fall so they will keep getting it. I should e-mail them to remind them)

(And I took a break and did just that. One already e-mailed me back her thanks. Which makes me feel slightly better)

(And the second person e-mailed me back to enthusiastically let me know she wanted it. I assumed so; she's one of our majors with a plan to go in to nursing and her GPA is good)

- But yeah. I do not understand how I seem to have gotten more sensitive lately, where certain things just kind of wound me and make me draw into myself and want to hide. Feature of menopause? Maybe some of the no-longer-readily-circulating hormones toughened me up? Worn out by life in general? Just hit my lifetime quota of other people's unkindness? Not enough positive interactions? Influenced by the general winds in our culture where a lot of women now AREN'T just smiling and putting up with stuff women had to put up with for thousands of years before? I don't know.

I wish I could get tougher though. Oh, I maybe seem tough enough on the outside; at least I've matured to the point of not-reacting and knowing times when you just don't say anything back, because you never get anywhere that way with some people. Or maybe I over-not-react and I let some people get away with saying bad stuff to me? I don't know. I don't know where the balance of "personal peace and avoiding conflict" vs. "not letting people who are being hurtful persist in that" lies. (And this wasn't a colleague; my colleagues, if they said something hurtful, I could usually just look at them funny, and they'll go "Oh....yeah, I guess that was not a good thing to say.")

- Also low-level worry about my mom; Saturday night she had complained of "sore back and also felt very cold" and I not only don't WANT her to get sick, also, with the amount of help she has to give my dad for him to function, if she got seriously ill, well....I'd have a couple uncomfortable decisions I'd have to make.

Having aging parents is HARD. Especially when you're far away. My maternal grandmother managed because she had two daughters and numerous grandkids in the same town, and my paternal grandmother was okay until suddenly she was not (kitchen accident put her in the hospital and she wound up never leaving). When you're far away, it's hard. (They do have good neighbors who can help with things. And if things got dire their insurance would pay for a home-health nurse. But I admit if it were a long-term thing....I don't know. I can't quite see quitting my job here (putting my financial future at risk*) but I also can't quite see moving them down here OR having them languish up there. And as the single kid, I suspect it would more fall to me than to my brother, as he has his own family to attend to. And yeah, that's an old, old thing, isn't it: the unmarried daughter winds up as the caretaker. I wouldn't MIND it except I would worry about my future financial stability.)

(*I would get PART but not all of my pension, is what I understand. And wouldn't get it probably until I hit the "magic number" (rule of 90 - your age plus years of service. I have 20 years of service now and am 50; I could retire with full pension at 60 because that would be 30 years of service + 60 years of age....if I had to quit now I guess I'd have to wait until I was 70 to collect?)

I called them yesterday. Granted, to wish them a happy Easter, but I also wanted to be sure everything was OK. (She was doing better. Maybe some dumb little virus? I often get muscle aches with viral things and that would explain the feeling chilled).

- And my allergies are v. bad again. It was windy yesterday which may explain it, and also I spend an hour-and-a-half on Saturday working in the yard (mowing, finishing up the edging, and trimming out more brush). I LIKE the yard work, it is relaxing and detracks my mind from things that bother me, but I pay for it physically later with worse allergies and nicks and cuts from the spiny plants.

- A nicer palate cleanser: Free Mary Quant style minidress pattern from V and A. You have to print it out yourself, which tells me you should go to a print shop with a large-format printer.

It's cute, and I'm chuffed to see that it goes up to my size, but....I am generally not at all comfortable in sleeveless things for several reasons. If I were more clever I'd figure out how to do those "butterfly" cap sleeves that would give a bit more upper-arm modesty, but....I don't know.

(Even though it's a minidress I suspect it would be long enough for me, apparently it is knee-length and often "knee length" on a normal sized pattern is mid-knee for me. Or I could just make it longer...)

If I had some reason to 'test out' the possibly-broken large-format printer in my department...(We do not have a Kinko's in town; not even sure where I'd go to pay to have one printed)

Sadly, Sewing Studio (in my parents' town) moved (and may even have closed down) so getting cool dressmaker fabric is harder now (JoAnn's has some stuff, but it's better to shop for it down here because the JoAnn's is bigger. And I suppose I could mail order). I would definitely want something with a "mod" feel were I making the dress. (And I'd do the one with the white detailing on the collar and pockets - I presume those are "real" pockets - because to me that feels more "typical" of the Quant style. Even though I wasn't really even born when it was popular, heh. I played with enough paper dolls as a kid though to recognize certain styles)

EDITED TO ADD: The pattern itself has optional sleeves! Including a long bell-type sleeve that I think would be cool. I have downloaded the pattern and am now wondering where I could find a large-format printer - some departments on campus have it and I wonder if I could sweet-talk the guy I know from Communications (he goes to my church) to let me use theirs if I donated money to cover the cost of paper and ink....Because I really like the idea of it.