Looking for good

One last thought (maybe; I never seem to have a last-last thought on ANYTHING) about the admissions scandal:

Isn't this just symptomatic of the deep insecurity and need-to-live-vicariously-through-their-kids some parents have? Being able to boast your kid got into a top school? I don't remember that being a thing with my parents and their friends, but then again, my parents' friends when I was a teen were either (a) fellow academics (who knew how universities worked, and knew things like "for people going into STEM, the quality of the department means more than the university name") and (b) people from church who wouldn't much have cared anyway.

And really, that's a larger thing in our culture, and has been for a while - the whole Alpha Mom thing was slowly wheezing to life when I was a kid, and my mom thought it was kind of stupid: she was more interested in whether we were happy and learning stuff in school than in what our athletic prowess or awards were. Oh, there was pressure to do well academically, but that was more "because we want you to learn well so you will do well in life and have an interesting career" instead of "your earning academic awards makes US look good!"

And I wonder if it's just a short line from that way of thinking, through "promposals" and parents who scream at Little League coaches to parents feeling entitled to bribe their kid's way into college. I also suspect there was a strong strain of "We won't get caught" or "We'll be able to get out of this if we do" because of who the people involved were.

I suspect the people who do stuff like that are deeply insecure. And that their acting out on that insecurity is damaging society. Already I feel like we're moving (or have moved) from a high-trust society to a low-trust one....and that's a very scary thing; low-trust societies are scary places to live.

The irony is: I'm pretty insecure about myself and I KNOW that. But I'm also too much of a coward to act out in ways other than desperately Tweeting and hoping one of my "mutuals" responds or notices me.

Though really. I don't do things that are wrong, not just because they're wrong, but I know how the world works: the rich and connected tend to slide through when they do something wrong (though more and more, maybe not: I saw someone connect this to "Me Too," with the idea of "This is something that's gone on for a long time and finally people are speaking out against it") but that people like me, we get caught, and we get the full penalties. Even stupid crap like parking tickets: I park a little "wrong" (or, as once happened, I park in desperation in a "not really a spot" but that is a spot some people use, and I get the full ticket; other people more important than I do it, nobody says anything. Or it's like that Bad Admin I talked about, who was horrible to many people and was a known misogynist, but no one did anything because he was Important. Until, apparently, the day he ticked off someone more Important than he was...)

So, I mean, I kinda KNOW this. And also, while I'm definitely not in the "elite" that can skate by on good looks and money, I'm in that broad middle group that isn't actively harassed (because of my complexion, my gender, my age, I don't take some of the crud that some people have to; the one time a cop stopped me out on the highway, after his first moment of gruffness, he was polite, and I kind of wonder if I were someone other than I am, would he have been?)  Then why does it distress me? I think it's the getting-it-shoved-in-my-face aspect, and also my concerns that (a) this is just going to damage the reputation of higher ed (all higher ed, because our culture is not good at nuance, and so many people see little difference between my small, low-status school, and some of the more-elite schools in this scandal) and (b) there may well be calls for faculty to "do more" to fix this, and at least at some schools, we are already doing too many different things and "more" is just going to break some of us.

I don't know. It does frustrate me (despite reminding myself again and again of both Richard Cory and of that girl from my high school whose mom "bribed" her with Guess! jeans so she wouldn't go home for a visit one weekend) as I struggle with things like students who need to arrange a make-up exam because their terrible boss called them in to work on short notice, and they really NEED that gig, and where I work and work and it seems my reward is an "oh, by the way: we need to decide scholarships for the department next week, I just now was given the information" and I either have to decide to half-ass (sorry) that or push aside more important-to-me work.

Even as I know Jay Gatsby wound up dead at the end of the novel (and it was a pretty depressing novel anyway), still, it's hard not to look at the glitter and the parties and go, "That might be better than putting in 13 hour days some times and rarely hearing a thanks for the stuff I do"

I don't know. I also have a sinking fear that this whole scandal will trickle down and that people who were otherwise innocent parties (people at universities in no way affiliated with the scandal) will find themselves with more onerous paperwork to fill out or more requirements or more limitations or there will be some requirement of taking faculty from OTHER campuses and putting them on the admissions panels of schools and....the people who had nothing to do with the wrong being done wind up with more work. Because that's how it seems to go.

And I could TOTALLY see us all being required to sit through many hours of "Don't Do This" training, just like we did when a couple people (probably) violated Title VII and then retired (with golden parachutes) and all the rest of us are subject to "additional training" to be sure we don't, even though none of us were the offenders.

Life is not only unfair in that undeserving people get benefits; it is unfair in that often the innocent are punished.

But yeah. Spring Break looms. I have to pack this evening. I don't even know for sure what projects to take yet but I guess I'll figure that out.

I did manage to get one load of laundry done this morning - underwear and bras (so the bras will have a chance to dry before I have to pack them tonight, I was worrying about that). More laundry awaits though I think if I didn't get the next two loads done it would be OK, I could find enough things to pack.

I have a meeting at 3 to get the taxes finished up, so at least hopefully that will be done (I got the last bit of paperwork off the internet on Tuesday via the brokerage-house's website).

I also got up early - the first time I felt able to this week - and did my workout this morning, so at least I won't have to find time for it in the afternoon.

I'll have to think about projects....maybe take Harvest with a mind to finishing it up, or at least getting up to the sleeves. And I think the yarn and pattern for that Toft Alpaca monster I was planning on doing (mine will be of a cheap-o acrylic, though). And one or both of the pairs of socks in progress. And I dug out a skein of a self-striping yarn (to wind off, and take with me, for "plain" socks).

And books. I finished "The Silver Branch" last night (which is good, it's a huge hardback I'd not have wanted to carry with me). It was good, I recommend Sutcliff's "Roman" novels (I have one more in the trilogy yet to read). I *might* take her retellings of The Iliad and The Odyssey with me to read on the trip - the copies I got are both the small-format paperbacks (not trade paperbacks, but....what are they called? Mass-market?). And probably take Scarweather to finish it, even though I'm nearly done there....and I don't know what else.

Middle-semester vacations - like Spring Break, and also like Thanksgiving - always catch me unready. It's hard to make time to pack, I'm not really in a "vacation" mood (Oh, there is SO much I have to do; if I were staying here I could evaluate the candidates for the job and the AAUW scholarship forms and work with my data more....I could technically take some of those along to work on but I really don't WANT to, and also, with some of the things, if something were to happen and I lost the only copy....)

But yeah. I am feeling very worn this morning and very not-vacation-y and am also worried about the weather (flooding anywhere along the Amtrak route could wind up in me being moved onto a bus for part of the trip....which wouldn't be so terrible on the trip up, when I can sleep once I get there, but would be bad given the trip back).

I also am not anticipating much excitement this trip; my father is still having leg issues (he was supposed to have an appointment to treat the underlying issue, the doctor said he didn't like the new procedure that was supposed to be a "miracle procedure" so it's back to square one) and so that means a lot more involvement on my mom's part.....so I presume maybe I will just take over some of the marketing and maybe some of the chores while up there and....I don't know. I just feel like these days, I have no one with the time or energy to 'fuss over' me the way I would like to be once in a while, and instead I have to make do with the crumbs of attention people have leftover from the actually important people in their lives....and yes, I know that's greedy and jealous of me to want that, but....well, everyone is terrible in some way and this is how I am terrible; I really want more attention than I probably deserve. At least I recognize that I'm terrible. And at least I only have that *feeling* and don't actually act on it, shoving myself in between a person and their More Important Person to demand something....

but yeah. I would just like to be the center of someone's attention instead of the periphery, even though I realize that because I made a big deal when younger of being Independent, it's now my fate to be on the periphery of everyone's life....I kind of made my bed and now must lie in it. (Down to still not knowing who on earth I could ask to drive me - the half hour down, and the wait of however long it takes, and the half-hour back - when I have to have the colonoscopy this summer and that is contributing to some of the distress I feel. I don't like asking people for help like that because I don't want them to turn around at home and roll their eyes at their spouse and go "can you BELIEVE she asked me to do that? I guess I have to, though, poor dear, she's all alone otherwise." and I still don't know for sure who I could ask who would even be free, and I don't want to ask a dozen people and hear eleven "No"s because I HATE asking for stuff and being rejected - even kindly - in my requests makes it harder for me to ask someone else.)