Friday, February 08, 2019

One last thought

One last random thought on PTR. (I hope. I'm not gonna promise). This came to me while doing a bit of piano practice before heading back here:

Maybe, maybe I just will myself to stop caring about being Excellent? That maybe I accept that the only way I could be absolutely outstanding at my job would be to become an automaton where I give up the things (piano, knitting, Bell Choir, volunteering at church, reading for fun) that make me me? And I'm not willing to do that, ergo, I have to accept that I'm good-but-not great?

Because really, what does it matter? I have tenure. I have the highest promotion I will get here. We don't (currently) do merit increases in pay. There are no plans to "vote someone off the island." There is literally nothing I am competing for save some stupid concept of "not embarrassing myself in front of colleagues" that exists only in my head. Maybe I just somehow accept that the way it's set up now, we're all going to be told we suck somehow, and are supposed to work on the thing we suck at, so we can seem to suck at something else, so we can be told about that next time.

But instead of taking all my self-worth from the rating I get on my job....I find somewhere else to get it? I don't know. I admit one thing I have always been bad at is saying "Damn, I'm good!" and I'm not quite sure where to start learning. Or not to care about what other people think - which would kind of have the same effect. (Hm. Maybe in the "post-tenure-review" that is my life, my 'development needed in" area is "Don't pay so much attention to what other people think of you")

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