I missed it

Bell Choir started back up last night. I had not realized how much I missed it until last night's session.

Part of it is that it is ONE thing in my life when I'm around people where I'm not expected to talk (at least periodically) or take control of things or really do anything more than anyone else is doing.

Also, it's just the feeling of being a part of a whole. That it's a thing that can't exist without your effort, but your effort isn't the only one that keeps it going: it requires everyone. And the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. A trap I often fall into - and I know on here I've complained about how I'm "too small" and "I can't do enough" - is feeling like it is 100% on me to make something succeed, and if my efforts aren't enough, that means *I* am not enough. And bell choir reminds me that that's often not the case....once last night we got off-track because the director got off-track in counting, and I felt like "Huh. So it wasn't me that got messed up" (or rather: not JUST me) and it's really nice to have something where it doesn't feel like its success or failure is 100% on me. (Especially on the heels of the person dropping their responsibilities in another area and my feeling that there might have been something I could have done or said if I knew, and the fact that now the success of the general effort depends even more on me)

Another part of it is the level of concentration it requires: you literally cannot be thinking of anything else but the music and the counting (especially if there are a lot of measures where you don't play, you have to keep up). And things like that, where my mind can't be going off in fifteen directions, are good for me because they calm me down. It's almost like meditation (something I have always been bad at, because I have the kind of mind that wants to run off in fifteen directions, unless I have the goad of "if you lose your place and mess up, you let the rest of the choir down")

And yeah, I need those few moments of not-thinking-about other things.

I have a checkup today. I always worry. My biggest worry centers on the bloodwork. I'm telling myself that in the past, everything has been okay. I haven't been any worse about my diet (and in the past month or so, have been a bit better than in the past) and I've kept up with exercise. But still I worry: I know enough people who were blindsided by bad health news and while in most cases it was something caught in "stage 0" or some kind of manageable point, the memories of my dad going through something like six months of additional testing after an "anomalous" blood result has me spooked.

And beyond that: I worry about things like blood sugar and blood cholesterol and all that because the thought of Yet Another Medication (and I've heard that metformin, in particular, can have some unpleasant side effects) and even more lifestyle restrictions than what I already have make me sad to contemplate. I'll do it if I have to but I don't want to.

And yes, there's an online portal to check my results, but getting logged in...well, I never registered, and I don't know how to log in without a registration. Apparently I can get an authentication text sent to my phone....I don't know. I don't know whether to check it this morning or just wait until the appointment today at 2. Because it won't CHANGE anything if my blood sugar reads high or if my ALT is screwed up.

(The worry about blood sugar is probably not entirely misplaced. My father has prediabetes which he keeps controlled with medication (and diet, though he's honestly less-careful about his diet than I currently am). And being on a beta-blocker - well, some medical-adjacent* people have suggested it can raise blood sugar/cause insulin resistance and I never know. I would be furious if one medication for a chronic condition leads to another chronic condition, but whatever. Then again: I am younger than my dad was when he was diagnosed (by a good 25 years) and I am considerably more active, and, as I said, I try to be careful about sugar. But I do like my chocolate. And I went back to putting Golden Syrup in my tea when I want it, after calculating the amount of sugar in the roughly one-tablespoon (often a bit less) than I use, versus what's in a Coke....I drink soda less than once a month so I figure an occasional tea with sugar in it is probably OK - a tablespoon is about 16 grams of sugar, maybe a bit more, and a 20 ounce Coke is 65. (A 12-ouncer, which would be a more likely size for me to drink, has 39 grams). So even my sweet, sweet tea is less than half as sweet as a can of Coke...and I only get that a couple times a week. I know people who drink multiple Cokes in a day, but then again: they're younger than I am, they are sometimes more active than I am, and anyway, it's none of my business what they drink)

(*I read some article by someone who called themselves a "naturopath" stating that you shouldn't take beta blockers because you'll get Type II diabetes. I'm not sure what their suggestion was to lower blood pressure other than cutting out salt and eating more vegetables, which hasn't been enough for me. Also I am not sure how alternative-medicine practitioners are certified; I'm more prone to trust my DO and she seems to think a beta blocker is safe for me as long as I'm careful)

I mean, I haven't had any symptoms of anything but would I know? (And yes, this is how insidious the advertising is about health conditions: it makes it seem that we're all one ice-cream-cone away from full-blown Type II diabetes, and even someone with more biological/statistical training like me isn't immune to the scare tactics).

Oh well. I'll find out this afternoon. I'm hoping that if I do have to consider metformin, that it doesn't make me vomit like some of the people I know who went on it.

(I'm PROBABLY okay. Most meals now for me are under the 45-grams of carbohydrate threshhold that I know they recommend for women with Type II so probably a "lifestyle change," if needed, would be minimal: mostly, cutting out dessert of any kind almost entirely, which would make me sad but which I could probably do.)

But here's hoping everything goes well, and I walk out of there around 2:30 or so (hoping my doctor is not running late) relieved, and ready to go on to the next thing....which is feeding the college-student ministry tonight, but that's a good thing, because it's not a huge amount of work for me (I am making slow-cooker sloppy joes and my co-worker in this is making a salad and a cake and bringing iced tea for the kids) and it's appreciated. A couple of the kids came to church this Sunday; the young woman is going to take over the children's minute because she has background in that. (And they actually ARE a couple. I smiled to myself, standing at the back of the church before communion, when I saw him put his arm over her shoulder and her lean her head on his. And later on they were holding hands. I may be disappointed in love, but I admit it makes me happy to see those little, non-gross* PDA sort of things)

(*Non-gross: includes holding hands, hugging, arms over shoulder, pecks on the cheek or even on the lips. I don't like to see couples of any stripe playing tonsil-hockey out in public. Not that anyone would do that, I hope, during a church service, but whatever)

Tomorrow night is probably a stressful meeting; I think I've already referenced that.
Thursday is the PTR meeting I have to chair. Thursday, 3 pm, is when I will be free of meetings for at least a little bit, and this weekend I still have  plans to go to Whitesboro and have concluded no one can stop me*

(*Excepting if I get sick or the weather turns very very bad. And the second one looks pretty unlikely)