Sunday, February 10, 2019

Current mood :(

"Alexa, what's a reliable way of cheering one's self up when one is already peopled out but has seven more meetings, a doctor's appointment, and cooking duties for a group on top of one's regular work in the coming week?"

First meeting of too-many is over; the second one is coming up in a bit over an hour.

The first meeting....wasn't bad in the way I was fearing it would be, but I learned an unfortunate piece of news about someone dropping responsibilities they held which will mean more work for me. And also makes me feel bad just because I spent a lot of time placating feelings and listening and stuff and apparently it did no good. I mean, yes, I get that it's not on me, but if I knew this was how it was going to end I might not have tied myself so much in knots to be conciliatory.

(Oh, who am I kidding: I would have done it anyway: people are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered, forgive (and love) them anyway. And not because I'm so noble, but because I like to avoid conflict and I like to feel like I am generally liked.)

I dunno. What I can do is so small and so limited and sometimes even doing my best does no good.

Just kind of discouraged right now.

Also, and this is the small and petty and childish part of my personality, but: sometimes I wish I were the person who got their feelings "petted," the one people felt the need to be conciliatory with, instead of everyone being "Oh, Erica, she's so accommodating, you don't have to care about how she feels because she'll do whatever it is any way."  I am not good at being imperious and demanding (because my expectation is that if I were, people would roll their eyes and tell me to go pound sand, because I am in no way so unusual or outstanding that the things I do couldn't be done by someone else)

Also, I have another meeting this afternoon - at least this one is unlikely to be woeful in any way, and supposedly won't take over an hour - but I still have to go out for it, and it's about 40 degrees F and raining and honestly what I would really like to do would be to get back into my pajamas and just get into bed and read.

I told one of the women at church (who knows how many meetings I have and how deeply I hate them) that come Saturday, I might just get in my car and start driving and keep on driving. She laughed, because she knows. She knows I wouldn't do that because the force of duty is too strong in me. (I have to elder this coming Sunday, for example).

But yes. I will be very, very glad when 3 pm Thursday rolls around and all I have to think about for Friday is giving an exam (during which I can knit) and then going maybe to Whitesboro on Saturday (And no, the Honors' office has not called me back or e-mailed me back, so I can't even make plans for the 23rd yet).

I'm also glad I already bought Spring Break tickets because given the volunteer-quitting, if I had known, I might have sighed and rolled my eyes and said "Okay, I guess I need to be here over Spring Break" and just sacrificed getting to see my parents.

And I eldered this morning - was scheduled to, but still - and I *almost* didn't have the words. This was what I worried about. That I'll get up there and won't have anything to say. I guess I just start carrying a pre-written prayer or two in my purse, just in case. I did that in the early days when I was more nervous about it, before I realized I was pretty good at doing it spontaneously, but...maybe with age I'm losing some of my edge. (Or, it was just not a good morning for me. I did nearly cry during the first hymn, just because I was so frustrated over the thing I learned and also I couldn't be angry about it because...I just can't. I mean, I get what's going on and all, and I get that it's the person's choice. But everything everyone does has ripples, and sometimes those ripples adversely affect other people.) And I had to bless the food at the potluck, that's another thing that always falls to me. People kind of giggled because I did a variant on the old Buddhist saying about "It takes 99 people to make your food" and I can't tell if it was a nervous giggle ("where is she going with this, is something wrong") or a "wow that's a dumb way to phrase it" giggle, or something more positive.

I dunno. It doesn't help that "Singles' Awareness Day" is this week and I can't laugh at it (or feel grateful I don't have the pressure of coming up with a "good" gift for a boyfriend/husband) this year for some reason.  I know it's a stupid made-up holiday designed to enrich the card companies and all, but....I think I'm feeling a bit more the Eternal Footman holding my coat and snickering this year, and sometimes it does get a little cold and lonely doing everything on your own. (And there's a side-order there of You Don't Fit In, Do You - the kid who was always on the outside looking in)

ETA: if the rest of my meetings this week could be clones of the one I just got home from, things would be much better. Because at this meeting:

- the director (of a campus ministry program) met me at the door and hugged me (No, not creepy: She is the kind of person who spontaneously hugs everyone and it is nice to be hugged by her. And it makes me sad that I have to clarify that, but this is the late 2010s).

- we laughed quite a lot at things that were just nice and funny.

- a long-term member of the board was honored for his service.

(It helps that this group is currently doing OK financially and in terms of staff; that takes a little bit of the pressure off people and I think it allows people to relax to be happier in meetings)

I do have another duty added on, but a minor one: so that someone else could take over treasurer duties (for the person going off the board), I am now one of the check-signers. I've been warned that the process of getting "okayed" by the bank will take a while so we've blocked out an hour on the afternoon of the 5th to do it. But once again, it fits my pattern of volunteer work: grab on to the job that seems like the least woeful one for your particular brain-wiring, and then you don't have to do the more woeful ones. Or even just settle for the first job that comes up that seems like you could do and wouldn't make you cry. (Mainly what I'd have to do with this is sign checks for things like our PO box, and reimbursement checks, and paychecks for the interns. So while it requires some degree of physical presence, it's not like I have to go ask people for stuff - I am the one being asked to do something. And the place I'd have to go to sign things, I am pretty sure it's at the main office, which is on my way home from campus anyway. And I'm not the only designated signer so it won't be an issue when I am out of town)

But yeah. I don't know why some meetings are so dreadful, and others relatively pleasant, but I wish I had more of the pleasant kind.

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