and kind of sad

One of the women at my church died this morning.

I mean, on the one hand, it wasn't unexpected: she had Parkinson's disease and likely the beginning of dementia, her husband died a few months back.* She had been in long-term care. I know they had said last week "she's stopped reading," which I took as a bad sign, knowing her, and I guess late this week she stopped eating.


(* It seems very common in long-term couples that when one dies, the other dies shortly after. Though by contrast, my maternal grandmother outlived my maternal grandfather by some 20 years, and my paternal grandmother outlived my paternal grandfather by 8 years or so, so I don't know)

People had been visiting her as regularly as they could (she was at a place in Sherman so most commonly, it was the minister driving back and forth from his home on Fort Worth, who did).

On the one hand, I suppose it's a relief to know she's no longer suffering; on the other - this was one of the couples who welcomed me here when I moved down here in 1999. I knew them pretty well when they were in better health. They were both extremely nice and kind people. They had a lovely house and for a number of years - until their health started to decline - the Christmas party CWF had was at their house.

I dunno. It's just hard. So many of my good memories are now just that at this point: memories, things that can and will never happen again. I suppose that's the curse of getting older.

I try to hold out hope for things in the future - who knows, maybe someone will move to town who will become a good friend (or, dare I hope, even a romantic attachment?). Or things will improve even more at work, we'll be able to hire not one, but two full-time tenure-track replacements and no one will wind up stuck with unpaid overload. Or some new group or club - an evening knitting circle, a weekend Volksmarcher group, a real, local Sigma Xi chapter - something - will start up here and I will have more socialization opportunities that are not me running a meeting or doing some kind of work with the socialization kind of a fringe benefit.

I hold out hope, but little of that happens. I don't know. Sometimes I feel kind of stuck.

And I admit, this is also an old, old fear of mine, stemming from the fact that many of my friends are a good bit older than I am: that everyone I care about will die. Or they will move far away (and yes, I know: internet, but it's NOT THE SAME. As good as my Internet friends are it's not the same as a person nearby that you can go grab lunch with occasionally or something). Or they will get so caught up in their own lives (spouses and/or kids or grandkids) that they won't really have time for me.....and I'll be all alone. And yes, I know: I need to go out and try to make new friends but it's hard, and I feel awkward in a lot of situations, and a lot of the local socializing-opportunities don't work if you're not a mom with kids, or one of the "upper crust," or similar. And I don't know. I just find it hard any way because I've had enough rejection in my life, and enough early peer-training that "you're strange and we don't want you around us" to feel like either any mild and unintended thing that feels like a brush-off is a "we really don't want you around" (when the person may not have meant it*) or I look at the already-closed circle of the group and go "Nope, they won't want another one" and don't even try.


(*I have also had situations where someone was flirting with me and I didn't realize he was until HOURS later, and I may have been colder to him than I might have been if I'd known. I am not good at Relationship)

But I don't know. I was feeling kind of....down to begin with. (It's complicated, but: apprehension about a new semester. Worry about this new advanced stats class where I feel like I'm set up to fail completely in teaching it, but I still have to do it. Feeling not-listened to. Feeling like I'm the "task donkey" because everyone else seems to assume I have more "spoons" than everyone else for doing additional work. Feeling ignored....)

What I probably need to do now is do some piano practice and then find something fun and nice as background noise and either knit or work on the quilt in the frame (one of my low-level resolutions for 2019 is to finish the stalled projects - the quilt in the frame, and Celestarium, and the owl sweater, and the color-bar blanket, to really clear out the backlog of projects so I can start fun new things).

What I would want? To go somewhere where there are people who will pay attention to me and be nice to me. But it's cold and it's wet and I've spent too much money recently already and I don't really have anyone local I'd be comfortable calling up and going "hey do you want to come over for lunch" (and also my house isn't as clean as I'd want for having guests in)