Third week advent

The theme for this week is "Joy," and as I've said before, this is probably the concept-in-Advent I struggle with the most. I am not (internally at least, and not most of the time) a naturally-joyful person; I am not the kind of person who can always find the silver lining in the cloud or the pony in the room full of manure.

My...outward actions and appearance may belie that sometimes? I remember a friend of my mom commented that I was "bubbly" when I ran into her at the store - and this was in December 2016, and I was *at* the store because my mom was unable to go out, after having fallen on the ice. So I don't know. I guess people think I'm more cheerful than I am....based on what people have said. I don't know if that means I'm trying to "fake it 'til I make it" or if people aren't as observant as I think they are, or if I have a tendency to hide those kinds of things because I don't always feel like talking about them with mere acquaintances.

Oh, I have periods of happiness, and when I'm in the middle of working on something, I can feel a certain contentment. But "joy" in what I imagine it to be is rare for me, and sometimes rather fleeting: I think I carry my responsibilities a bit heavily to have sustained joy.

(Ironically, given how much has written about the "stress" and "toxicity" of it some times, I remember graduate school being a time of joy for me. Then again: I had an excellent advisor who did what he could to keep us from being too stressed, and more importantly, I had more support than I have now: I had a string of close-friend lab-mates (and people in other labs) and we did stuff like going to movies together and going hiking, and I don't have that so much now. And I lived with my parents, which made an enormous difference: I didn't have to do the marketing, I didn't always have to cook, in really busy weeks my mother even offered to do my laundry for me. So I was freer to focus on my work, without that nagging, "Hey, aren't you almost out of clean underwear" or "you need to go to wal-mart NOW, later in the day they will be slammed and you will hate it" thoughts intruding on me).

And yet: Maybe I'm expecting more than I should? Maybe my definition of "joy" sets the bar too high?

I was thinking about that today. One of the scripture readings was from Zephaniah, about rejoicing because "punishment" has been taken away from the people, and fortunes being restored and....maybe what I said earlier about relief? Maybe relief is, in itself, a form of joy?

I remember a few moments of acute joy that came in the form of relief: learning a friend who had to have testing for a GI problem that could have been a lingering infection OR could have been cancer, getting a diagnosis of "infection, you just need a different antibiotic" or hearing that my dad had been taken off the respirator and was back to breathing on his own.

Perhaps the ancient Greek concept of pleasure being the absence of pain is not too far off that...

And yeah, I find for me now, Advent and Christmas often involve happiness and melancholy sitting not so comfortably side-by-side. Happiness, because as I said, it's the coming around again of something I love and understand and that is familiar in a world where so many things in the past few years have gone topsy-turvy. And happiness because it's a time to be generous and to give people you love gifts or send them cards and that kind of thing just makes me happy, as does the decorating and some of the special music and the familiar TV specials and all of that. And yet, there is a little melancholy that underlies that: the realization that the pure happiness of the childhood Christmases, where I had few responsibilities, and I could easily make a list of things I wanted and would be happy if I got them, and the idea that all my loved ones were healthy and fine and would - for all I knew - live forever, and things would *always* be like this. And now, as an adult, especially with my father having had a few hospital trips in the past few years, and my mom having fallen on the ice a couple years ago, I realize I won't always have parents to go back to visit, and in perhaps not-too-many years I will be the one volunteering to elder at the Christmas Eve service here, because I have nowhere else to be, and I will need to figure out how to have Christmas all by myself (My brother and his family are a little far away, and their house is small, and they have other relatives who come in....)

And it is just different when you're an adult.

***

I spent some time this afternoon packing. My suitcase is ready, except for the tennis shoes that will go in after a workout tomorrow. And for the smaller bag that goes in the compartment with me, all that remains are the toiletries/medications and the "comfort ponies." that I take with me.

Books to be read are two mysteries: The Christmas Card Mystery (actually a collection of stories) and "The Division Bell Mystery" which is apparently about MPs (and was written by Ellen Wilkinson, who had apparently herself been an MP). And "Miss Mackenzie," which I never finished and haven't read on for a while and so I'll probably have to go back in it a bit to pick up the thread of the story. And a fairly-new book called "Gratitude" which our minister recommended and I bought on his recommendation, and also a very short book by Walter Brueggeman called "Sabbath as Resistance" - breaks are a good time for reading books I've had in the stack for a while but haven't gotten to.

I managed to fit the yarn I wanted to take in - even the big skeins of bulky yarn for the Midsummer Magic Unicorn. Most of it is in my suitcase (As are a couple stats books I hope to force myself to read on over break).

I haven't decided on Comfort Critters yet. Maybe Clawhauser, because he would be a good emergency pillow if one was needed. Probably Fluttershy, as she's the favorite of the Ponies I've made...and maybe Minty, I don't know. (When I was a kid it was a huge deal which stuffed toys I took with me. It's not....quite so crucial now, but I do like having something familiar like that along with me.

I made a big list so I wouldn't forget anything. I hope I didn't forget to put anything on the list....

***

Tomorrow I leave. I guess my train is one that originates in San Antonio (instead of in LA). This is good because (a) it's more likely to be on time and (b) less chance of it being dirty or short on things in the diner car.

I hope there are no delays, though the books help with that.

I do have a number of "time embargoed" posts for over break.