Still feeling "flat"

True to form, graduation ran long. The speaker was not that long, but they combined us with Business AND the graduate school and so I'm betting we were the longer of the two graduations.

(If our graduate program grows much more on campus, I would agitate for them to get their own graduation)

And I admit, one thing in this post-Virginia Tech, post-Sandy Hook world: when I got in and sat down, I checked where the two nearest exits were. Granted, there was a lot of open space between me and them, so if there were shooting, I'd have to have had run serpentine and prayed for the best, but. (Nothing has ever happened at our graduations. Well, the power went out once but the cops present managed to calmly help everyone leave). But still, I have that thought in my head of "what do I do if there's a disgruntled person who showed up, or if someone wants to make A Statement."

Only one kind of heartwarming thing: an older woman walked to be awarded her Master's, and her whole family was there and cheered and even danced in the stands.

But one thing that displeased me: in several cases the cheering/air horns (oh yes, there were air horns) went on so long that the admin reading the names just stopped and stood so the next person would not get drowned out. One of our good graduates came after such a thing: several minutes of protracted screaming. And our graduate had NO ONE apparently applauding for her (the faculty in my department did, so there was that, but wow)

And yeah. At my own graduation there was not anything like that. I don't know if it was more frowned upon, or not the culture at the time, or whatever. (Also, I was one of 4000 graduates. I didn't even SEE my family until they met me back at my apartment afterward)

And yeah. I admit thinking with a little sad bitterness: I wish I had someone to cheer raucously for me the way some of those folks do. And, yeah, yeah, I know: internal motivation and all that. But never really having had a "squad" in life who would stick up for me, or threaten to kick the butt of someone who was mean to me, or cheer for me, sometimes I do feel their absence.

(Then again, my Inner Critic says, what have you done in recent months that merited people cheering about it? and it's a fair point.)

And I also felt a little sad, watching a couple graduates drive off after ward - one sticking a cigar in his mouth as they went - and thought "Wow, their lives are just beginning, they are going off to do exciting things, and in January, here I am again, teaching the same stuff again, but with the added worry of that new advanced stats class." I hope it's that I'm just tired and not that I'm burning out: I can still at least pretend to be excited about stuff in class when I'm not feeling it but, yeah.

I don't even really know what I'd WANT if I were going off to do something different...

And yeah, maybe I am just tired. These past few weeks have been a lot of "Erica, do this" or "Can you do this for me" or expectations that I will do the thing and not a lot of just simple enjoyment or someone maybe seeming to pay attention to my wants and desires, and while that's selfish of me, I admit it wears on me some times.

(And yeah, maybe I do need to go antiquing as soon as I finish lunch, and just take the afternoon out. I do need to pick up milk, maybe just a quart, to make it through 'til Monday, but I don't need to do much actual grocery shopping)

I've also been waking up ridiculously early in the morning and not being able to get back to sleep, and that may be part of my malaise. Maybe I'll be better when I get up to my parents and at least the thing of "food" is off my mind - where my mom will say something like "Do you feel like roast chicken for dinner?" (She doesn't even need to ask. Roast chicken is one of my favorite things ever) and I don't have to go out shopping for it unless I want to, and I don't have to do all the cooking or cleanup of it....

But yeah. As soon as I finish my tea I think I'm off, to go to the big antique mall in Sherman, and A Balanced Skein (and yes, they live still, and yes, I checked, because in this part of the world small businesses that I like seem to fold unexpectedly). I still need a size 7 16" circular, can get it there, or failing that, maybe JoAnn's. And maybe I hit the natural-foods store; they might have a few snacky things I need for the next couple days. And maybe I'll be happier when I get home. I hope so.