A tiny epiphany

Headed out (again, after an early wal-mart run before the PO was open) to the post office to mail my international cards.

And as I got in the car, I realized: hey, the one I wrote out this morning, I didn't put stickers on it. (One of my "things," at least for peer-friends, is to put random stickers - cute animals, or My Little Ponies, or Disney characters - on cards). And I almost went back in the house, opened it up (which would have ruined the envelope and required me finding another one that fit the card) to put stickers on it. Because I didn't want to "disappoint" the person.

And then I wondered: is the reason I'm such a people-pleaser and that I worry so much about "not disappointing" other people (to the point where I sometimes go to ridiculous extremes) because I tend to feel even the minor disappointments in my life so acutely some times? I mean, for example: when someone in my family that I send a birthday present to, doesn't even send me a card recognizing my birthday, I'm disappointed. I don't SAY anything because sometimes that seems petty and churlish and I don't know what challenges they might be facing in their life that could have prevented them from doing it. But I am still disappointed.

I have frequently opined that the worst thing about adulthood for me is the level of disappointment that it seems "grown ups" are expected to just simply swallow and not say anything: plans we've made being upset, something we wanted becoming unavailable when we have the money for it, people not living up to our standards, lack of reciprocity in relationships, etc., etc.

I don't know. Maybe the fact that I do feel with a certain level of pain some of the petty disappointments of life is a signal that I'm not really grown up, I don't know.

But ultimately I did decide that getting the cards out without stickers was preferable to my going back in the house, opening the card, realizing I had no envelope that would work, and then waiting more days to get it off in the mail until I could FIND one....so I just went and sent it off.

I also spotted, on the way to the post office, a brand new shop that has opened up: it advertises "coffee and bubble tea" and I admit I went "what?!?" when I drove by because a place to get bubble tea is one of the things that's been nonexistent here.

No, I didn't stop, it wasn't convenient to at that time (and the weather has gotten really cold and cruddy and I would not be surprised if we got a bit of ice mixed in with the rain we're having, so I just wanted to get home on the return trip). I will admit I thought bitterly, "If you don't stop now, you'll probably not get there before it closes down" because businesses like that have a way of not-surviving in my town.

(We have something like eight or ten medical-marijuana or CBD oil stores that have opened in the past few months. I am expecting a very big sort to come soon for them; I don't think we're big enough to support that many. Especially not when we have only two grocery stores and a wal-mart, and no bookstore, and-not-lots-of-other-things. But people think it's a fast way to make money, maybe, or they're so committed to the idea of full legalization that they just want to jump in, I don't know. I admit I find it a little annoying when so many of the businesses in town (there are still a lot of vape shops, too) are places I wouldn't use, and yet, lots of things I WOULD shop at are nonexistent here and require a long drive)

But yeah; I can tell that the rather numerous disappointments in the past 3 years have soured me a little and I don't quite know how to sweeten up. I try to look for things that delight me but that doesn't always work...

(I'm still kind of crabby after the various disappointments of yesterday, and too much grading, and now apparently a mouse has gone and died in the wall somewhere and my whole house stinks but it's too cold and wet for me to go out anywhere, so I'm just stuck with it, and Lysol doesn't help and scented candles just seem to make it worse.)