Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Tuesday morning melancholy

I wasn't out around people much yesterday, but the time I was, it was enough for me.

I said the other day how I tend to be an "arms-length" sort of person? I realized yesterday part of a reason for that (and also why I tend not to follow on social media, or read many news stories about, actors/musicians/etc. whose work I enjoy).

It's hard to learn about people's feet of clay. Or at least it's hard for me. All the times when I say "I hate humanity," that's really shorthand for "I feel like people could be better than they are, but they aren't, and people disappoint me." I know I have excessively-high standards in some ways, but still.

I learned some...stuff...about other people I know yesterday (well, second-hand, but the sources are reliable. And this is also why I don't gossip....). One of the things is kind of silly, but still makes me a little dismayed. The other thing was more serious and I was kind of sad.

I dunno. I also realized late yesterday night (woke up to go to the bathroom, couldn't get back to sleep) about all the responsibility I carry, about how I will step up and offer to do something if no one else is or especially pick up a task someone else rejects. I'm doing it because I think people will like me for it. Or that they will dislike me if I'm not doing the maximum possible.

I think that's why I get low-level irritated with people who either won't take on responsibilities, or who drop responsibilities they have. Oh, in a lot of cases, it's that there's a good reason and if I know that reason I can forgive it - but there are also people who just don't want responsibility and who manage to evade it somehow. And I'm over here carrying a lot, or what feels like a lot, and I'm just kind of tired and sad.

I mean, yeah - when I'm doing well I can say "People seem to like me" but when I'm not doing so well I feel like "you need to do everything you're doing well and maybe take on more stuff because if you slack maybe people will stop liking you." I don't know when or where I learned that friendship/love are always conditional, but it's a hard thing to shake, even as I realize I am doing a disservice to my friends by believing that they would stop loving me that easily, but....

I dunno. I'm sure part of this is related to the fact that it's already July-hot and it's also incredibly humid and I kind of hurt all over and breathing is a little uncomfortable. And that I feel like I'm not getting enough done at work but also am not really having *fun* and a lot of things seem kind of like an extra effort because of the heat.


I need to get in to the office in a few minutes and work this morning. Yesterday, I didn't....first, I had to run to the grocery store to get food for a thing, and then I had to do piano practice, and then I started faffing on the internet, and then I wanted to do laundry....and it wound up with me not going to the office at all.

I also need to figure out a time to get to Sherman. I'm almost out of one cosmetic product I use that the Ulta carries, and anyway, I just want to go to the Ulta and kind of wander its aisles because for me, it's like a lower-level version of Holly Golightly going to Tiffany's: you feel as if not much bad could happen there. And I need the tiny bit of self-indulgence that buying some kind of fancy hairpins or new facial masque brings.

And I need to get to the natural-foods store, and I probably need to go to the Kroger again - I didn't buy anything frozen the trip there back from Mineola, because I was fearful about "what if my fridge quit while I was gone" and how I'd deal with keeping THAT food from spoiling while cleaning up the food that HAD spoiled.

I also want/need to get out antiquing soon. (Really, it's a want, but sometimes some of my wants, if I put them off long enough, they begin to feel like needs, at least for my mental health. I also kind of wish I had someone to go out antiquing out with on a regular basis. It's fine by myself but having a friend along does sometimes make it more fun, especially if you see something that is either really beautiful or really hideous and just want to share it with someone).

I might go Friday morning, I don't know. This is a busy week: tonight is handbell practice, tomorrow night is Board meeting, Thursday is piano lesson, Saturday I will be at church much of the day as it's Gordon's memorial service and I volunteered to help with the family lunch (But no, this time I volunteered to do that not because I wanted people to like me for it, but because I wanted to do it. I always liked Gordon and I like his wife Glenna and as I've said before, it seems to me that serving lunch to the family at a funeral or memorial service seems like a very tangible kind thing you can do in that person's memory, and so it's important to me to do so whenever I can). I have to make about 20 small ham-and-cheese sandwiches. My plan is to get the small Hawaiian bread buns (Pruett's has them) and some good deli ham and swiss cheese and just assemble them at home (and I won't put any condiments on them; we can have mustard and mayo at the table for the people who want it)

I did start cutting fabric for the next quilt very briefly last evening; it is an older Quilty pattern called "Hello, Garden" which is kind of a 9-patch style, but modified so the "focus fabric" in each block forms a plus sign. It's another one of those made to be done with a Jelly Roll of fabrics, and I feel like I need to be working down some of those sets of precuts I've bought. I also have decided that I'm just going to make quilt tops, and not worry too hard about "which one do I feel like making next?" but grab the fabric and pattern that's closest at hand and do that. (I do have a few cases where I have fabric set aside for a particular pattern, though, too).

I was happy while working on that. Maybe that's what I need: more time when I feel like the only person I have to please is myself. 

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