Today is over

1. All the chemicals have been successfully moved, including those of my colleague. (Not moved: the buffers for calibrating the pH meter and some other buffers. No room, and I figure buffers are about the most innocuous chemicals you can have). If Safety has a problem? They can arrange to have the waste chemicals disposed of and that will free up room in the cabinet.

2. If today was an RPG, I got hung up on side quests:

- figuring out how to prop the doors open
- trying to find the "in the side cabinet" (uh, they're ALL side cabinets?) where colleague had stored his stuff
- the thing with the catchment tray
- realizing that if I was going to wash the dirty abandoned glassware, I needed washing-up powder and would either have to find some or buy some. Finally brought Bon Ami from home, which then led to
- Googling "Is it safe to use Bon Ami on glass?" Answer: yes, both from some online auto-detailing forums and from a Personal Communication via a twitterfriend who has used it.
- Moving the stuff off the prep room counters so I could sweep and scrub them
- realizing the tape holding the bottom flaps of the box holding the insect kill jars had perished. Luckily I found that out BEFORE any of them fell out
- going to find duct tape to repair the box
- washing some glassware. Realizing one beaker is a mess because it's the one I used to melt paraffin in when I used to do an experiment using it.
- Googling "What solvents will dissolve paraffin residue" and finding they are all ones more hazardous (fume wise) than what I want to work with, so tomorrow either I boil water or turn the drying oven back on and try using heat

....and on, and on. That's the thing that makes me the tiredest doing stuff like this, the whole "If you give a mouse a cookie" aspect of you try to do ONE task, and because of budget/supplying limitations, you have three extra tasks to chase down what you need to do the first task. (Or maybe it's task-as-hydra, where you cut off one head and another three appear)

("Thank you, Mario, but the Princess is in another castle")

3. I am just tired. I think the fact that I have no real structure to my days is getting to me. I didn't sleep all that well last night and slept until nearly 7 this morning, which then cascaded into it seeming too late to do an hour of brush cutting and then coming in, and I ate breakfast later than normal, so I wasn't hungry at lunch, and....I need structure.

(As I noted on Twitter, I've been called a "control freak" but really I prefer the term "control enthusiast." And this is because to my perception, the world is a sufficiently chaotic place that if I don't exercise strict control over my own schedule and how I do things, stuff runs the risk of fragmenting and flying off into a million pieces, kind of like, I don't know, a poorly-centered glob of clay on a potter's wheel)

4. I really want to either start a new project of some kind or buy a bunch of yarn. Both the Webs and the KnitPicks summer catalogs came the other day. I am telling myself I have far too much yarn already and will never knit it all up in what remains of my life. But the temptation is still there.

What I NEED to do is work diligently on the many projects I have now and finish a few before I start new ones. Perhaps the idea of listening to Pandora in my bedroom after dinner and sitting on my bed and knitting is a good one. Or maybe streaming video or....if it's possible to listen to podcasts online? I presume it is, I've never tried. Or I think I have a couple free Audible books as a deal from Amazon, I could find something nice with a narrator who has a nice voice.

5. I also find myself wanting to look for "fantasy" or "book series" themed patterns on Ravelry again - either hobbits or Narnia or Harry Potter or....I don't know what. I like knits that have a literary tie-in without looking costumey. (For another time when I'm feeling more enthusiastic I want to write a review of "This Thing of Paper, " which I tracked down and ordered a copy of from the UK. It's a very very nice book and has several patterns in it that I really love)

6. I was thinking of one of my favorite fairy tales ever the other night and wishing life really was more like that....that more people had the incentive to be kind to people because "what if that person were actually a powerful fairy (or wizard, whatever) in disguise?" Yes, I know you should be kind with no hope of return on that kindness, but still....it would be nice, once in a while. I wouldn't even need diamonds to fall out of my mouth when I spoke; it would be enough to come home some night (if we're talking magic) and find a small dinner already fixed for me, with just a tiny note saying 'thank you for your kindness' or similar.

7. I need to make myself go to bed earlier, so I can wake up earlier, and be disciplined early in the morning so I can go out and cut brush and still get in here at a good time.

8. Something I read somewhere: "Sometimes people need to be loved a little louder" and you know, I feel that. Sometimes, especially if you're kind of an anxious person or if you're someone whose childhood either included a lot of peer-rejection or bullying, it's hard for you to remember/accept that people love you when they're not saying it.

and also, it's hard for me to ask for it. I know it looks needy and neediness is unattractive and I also have that independent streak where I feel like I should be able to do it all myself.

Confession: my family is not demonstrative. Once my brother and I passed from childhood, hugs were mostly reserved for either partings or times when a person was DEEPLY distressed (like: someone they loved had just died). And while we love each other....it doesn't get said a lot and I confess I have a hard time saying it too.

And right now, I confess, I'm feeling it, because I'm so alone. There are days in the summer, when I'm not teaching, that I don't say more than a dozen words to another person in the day. And while I can be content if I'm doing something like sewing on a quilt top or even out doing fieldwork, when I'm sitting at my desk reading about life-history strategies or the history of environmental activism or confidence limits....it gets a little lonely and hard. Maybe it's because I'm just taking in and not giving out, whereas when I'm teaching I'm also giving out knowledge and when I'm  doing some kind of craft or research I feel like I'm giving out something because I'm creating something new....I don't know. But yeah.