One of those

This is one of those mornings. I got up like normal and did my workout and everything and even practiced piano, but I can tell my heart is not in things.

I really want to be back in bed, rolled up in the blankets. Not so much because I'm tired but because I don't want to interact with the world and also being rolled up in a blanket is the closest thing to being hugged I get most days.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night, and I've had some low-level lower abdominal pain this morning so I wonder if this is party hormonal.

And also, yeah, just all the big ball of dread over the whole looming replacement of the water heater. I've done a little reading online and I am fearful that in fact the venting WILL have to be replaced for the tankless heater. And that will probably involve someone having to go into my attic. And attic access is from the disused guestroom/office, which I have been using as a storage area, and I will have to do LOTS of cleaning and moving of stuff (mostly my too-large yarn stash) in order for someone to get UP into the attic. And it's the whole "pile of dominoes" thing that any of this kind of thing causes  (or perhaps call it the "Tout va très bien, madame la marquise" effect, where one little problem is chained to increasingly large problems....)

I was already contemplating this morning: well, okay, maybe you can stack some of the containers of yarn in your sewing room for a while, and maybe you can shove a few of them in your car, but then you don't want to be driving around with a car full of yarn, because where would you put groceries and all of that. And yeah, I need to either rent a storage unit or (what would more be my inclination, because I don't like the idea of paying for real estate for STUFF) get rid of a ton of stuff and....again, it's just something I lack the time and energy to cope with. 

I dunno. First things first: I have to talk to the guy and get all the details. And now I'm wondering: will I have to pay a service call for the dude to come out and do more measurements and look more critically at the set up, even though I'm already on the hook for nearly $3000 for the new unit plus labor plus whatever upgrades are needed? 

Being an adult is hard sometimes, and it seems harder when you're going it alone. (And yes, I acknowledge that this would be harder if I had a "deadweight" spouse who either couldn't commit to anything, or who didn't want to spend the money, or who seemed to think heating water on the stove to bathe in was just fine. But in an ideal situation - oh, the situation I dream about - he'd be an author or something that worked from home, and he'd be like, "Okay, we'll meet with the guy and decide what's best; then I'll sit here when they can get in to work on it and be here to let them in and answer questions" and I acknowledge it's way too easy for me to dream up the ideal situation that doesn't really actually exist but....)

I also came into a student e-mail starting off with "Would it be alright if..." (sic). No, it wouldn't be all right. But I guess I have to agree to it because work schedules and in the new dystopia we live in, bosses get to call the shots even if it means your professor jumps when your boss tugs on a string. Honestly, this is probably going to be what gets me to throw up my hands and go OKAY FINE LET'S MAKE MOST COLLEGE ONLINE EVEN THOUGH ONLINE FEELS LIKE A POOR SUBSTITUTE BECAUSE THEN AT LEAST STUDENTS CAN DO CLASSWORK AND CRAP WHEN THEY"RE NOT AT WORK but I don't know.

I don't want to teach online but this semester, with its endless rounds of "I have to go in to work" or "my work schedule changed" or "Yeah, we have games now on the afternoon when lab meets" and all the endless redos or absences or people earning 58%s because they were absent for much of the material is just breaking me. I can't do my job as effectively because of things external to me. It does seem the lesson for me post-2016 is "You really don't have control over anything, and yet you must still strive to do your best, just be prepared for it to have no effect at all."

Honestly, so much of life post-2016* it seems is someone saying "is this alright" and it really isn't, but you have to sigh and say yes because they are in a tougher place than you are in and you have to be flexible. 

(*Post-2016: that being the year of the big budget cuts here and the point when I really started fearing losing my job for reasons beyond my control, and also it seemed that was the point where local bosses got less flexible about allowing students to attend school).

I knitted a bit this weekend but I made an error (dropped a stitch) in the Paddington's Garden shawl, and while I sort-of fixed it, it doesn't look GREAT (doing the "ladder back up" in garter stitch is hard) and I'm sad about that. There really do just seem to be weeks where everything is suboptimal and disappointing and it feels like "why can't I at least have my knitting go right?"

And the new lamp I had to buy because the old one developed a short - it won't work with 3-way bulbs and you're not supposed to use higher than a 100-watt equivalent in it, and the highest wattage bulb I had anyway (that wasn't 3-way) is 60, and the light from it is really not bright enough, which is probably why I dropped that stitch. And I don't really have the desire to go out and stare at the 300' Wall O Bulbs at the Lowe's and try to figure out which one to use. Do the new halogen-replacement-for-incandescent get brutally hot like the old halogens did, where those "torchiere" lamps ran the risk of becoming actual torches? And what is the right "color family" of LED bulbs if you want a softer and slightly pinkish, but still bright-enough-to-thread-a-needle light? I have very specific bulb needs and I doubt the folks working at Lowe's will be able to give much help. (Again: we do not have a lighting store here in town I can go to).

I also admit I'm kind of in frantic SPEND NO MORE MONEY mode, even though my parents have promised to help pay for the new hot water heater. (I had contemplated, as I said, buying either a camp shower set up or just planning on going to a salon to get my hair washed once or twice before I can get the heater replaced, but both of those seem like frivolous expenses when I can heat water on the stove and wash my hair in the kitchen sink and kinda-sorta shower in the tub by dipping water out of the warm stockpot....) I have that weird 70s-kid mentality lurking at the back of my consciousness, the "we're buying generic, it's nearly as good and look how much cheaper it is" and the "turn the thermostat down/lights off/tv off/close the refrigerator, we're not made of money" and the "Sorry, honey, can you choose something less expensive?" And it's re-arisen since getting my taxes done and looking hard at my W-2 and seeing just how much a hit I took from no longer teaching summers (though given that teaching summers COULD mean making about $1000 for two full classes' worth of work - not teaching is probably better). And because I am inclined to all-or-nothing thinking, it's hard to go "Okay, what is an all right indulgence and what is too much?" (I was even wondering if those My Little Pony not-Kinder Eggs - which were, IIRC, about a buck and a half each - was too much frivolous spending). I SUSPECT it's a coping mechanism; that that kind of crazy-strict control is my way of saying "the world feels like it's spinning off its axis but look how much force of will I can exercise in my own life" and yes, I know that's the same mindset that can lead to eating disorders and the like...I don't know. 

So yeah, I wish I could be back in bed, rolled up in a blanket, in the place where I feel safest.