Monday, November 06, 2017

Back at it

Back in my office, back trying to rewrite the rewrite. I don't want to, but I must, so I guess I will. Right now I am at the "explain everything as if I am talking to a 2 year old" stage because I think one of the reviewers misunderstood the stats I applied and maybe I was unclear, I don't know. I think I will write this morning and make tables this afternoon - or maybe do those tomorrow afternoon, when I'm likely to be even MORE tired.

At least driving to work in the light instead of the dark was a relief. I know lots of people complain about the end of DST, but as someone who is an early-to-rise sort, I don't like driving to work in the dark. I don't care about it getting dark early in the evening at home because it getting dark in the evening is normal, and most evenings I don't have to be working hard on something, so it's okay.

I woke up at 2:30 am today. I tried to go back to sleep. But I found myself visualizing myself in my classrooms and what I'd do if someone showed up at the door who was armed (and was not a campus cop on a peaceful mission of some kind). I *almost* just got up to do the workout then, except I thought, "Yeah, then you'll train your body that it's OK to wake up at 2:30 am" so I stayed in bed. Eventually I quieted my mind down but, ugh.

Part of what it took to quiet my mind was grabbing Riesige Katze (the big stuffed cat I bought back in July) and hugging it to my chest. Sad, really: that I'm nearly 50 and I need that to comfort me. But it was too hard to get back to sleep otherwise.

Yesterday afternoon I dug out the outlet-timer and put the fairy lights back on. They are set to turn on at 4 pm and off around 10 - so pretty much the whole I'm I'm home in the evening, and even a bit after I go to bed (though usually there's one or two trips to the bathroom before I really settle, so it's good to have a little extra light). Yes, it's very early. But I feel like I need it.

A lot of the problem is that I feel like the world is increasingly chaotic. I don't like chaos; I like order. And it's upsetting to have things be not-predictable, and be that in bad ways. (Some of the "survivalist" types say "Don't go to 'stupid' places" as shorthand for "this is how you stay safe and avoid people with weapons." But what happens when people want to start making church and work "stupid" places?)

I worked a bit on my mom's hat last night. I finished the first "wedge" and just barely began the second one. This is going to be my push-to-finish project now, and then, a third hat for the AAUW gift exchange, though I'm concerned - I only bought one skein of the Felici worsted (for my mom's hat), I'm worried the "Sweet roll" or whatever the acrylic copycat I bought for the AAUW hat won't change colors fast enough, and the hat will look stupid.

Well, if it does, I'll have to go out to Tuesday Morning before the party and buy some kind of tchotcke there. (There is a $10 limit on the gifts, though I doubt everyone sticks to it). But I admit: I was hunting around last night for self-striping worsted weight that changed color fairly rapidly, and couldn't find any (I guess KP only made a little of the Felici Worsted, and it all sold out).

I dunno. it feels like everything is working suboptimally right now and I find that difficult and upsetting. I am hoping at least ONE thing goes smoothly this week...

I'll be a lot happier when this blasted rewrite is done.

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