Friday, October 13, 2017

needing time off

I can tell. I'm tired and borderline headachey and lots of things are getting to me - not annoying me so much as just making me sad.

Right now, a lot of women are boycotting Twitter today over the perception that it's unfair to women (someone got an account suspended because she posted a personal phone number, and allegedly men who have done similar doxxing haven't had that happen.) I can't speak to the accuracy of the facts behind the boycott because I don't know them, but:

1. Something like this isn't going to fix whatever inherent unfairness there is
2. People who have a low opinion of women online are not going to change it, especially not over a day of silence.

3. Sometimes Twitter is the only thing approaching "water cooler" talk I get in a day.....and so it's going to be a lonely day when a lot of my XX mutuals are off.

And I hope my decision not to join the boycott doesn't set some people off. This is what I hate about making the personal political: there is always going to be someone who questions your reasons for your choice. And to me, I admit, it feels a little like the arbitrary rules girls used to set up for other girls in school: "On Wednesdays, we wear pink." or "I don't CARE if you're having your period, we don't wear jeans on Fridays!" and how they police one another and can be almost as abusive as some of the boys are towards other girls.

I am tipped just ENOUGH to the non-neurotypical end of the spectrum that I could never understand the rules or their purpose, which was probably why the tween/early teen years were so awful for me. (Or maybe the point was: unless you were making the rules, they were not something to "understand." I just remember they changed capriciously and I could never keep up)

Gah, humanity stinks. And my sad, lonely 12-year-old, eating her cream-cheese-and-jelly sandwich in a dark corner of the lunchroom, by herself, has risen to the fore yet again.

Part of this is, no matter what choice you make, you wind up disappointing someone. And I don't like disappointing people. (I'd rather disappoint myself, which is probably the root of a lot of my unhappiness these days). I also found myself thinking of the time in....what was it, fifth grade? When two friends of mine, who, for some reason, strongly disliked each other, told me I had to choose between them and when I refused to, they "boycotted" me for an entire week.

Given the pain I suffered over stuff as a child, why am I not a better artist?

I almost started crying while trying to practice piano this morning. Granted, it's partly that I'm frustrated it's taking me so long to master this Bach piece (the Prelude in D Major from Well-Tempered Clavier) but also.....just everything else. The fact that I arrive on campus 3 hours before someone else and yet they still feel free to shunt a pile of work to me at 3 pm as they're walking out the door, and expect I will make the time to do it before the next day. Even though I've told them multiple times how close I am to the end of my rope given this new prep. Just all of the rumblings in the news. (I see Wisconsin is hatching a plan to merge 2-year and 4-year colleges, and I could see Oklahoma doing that, and it being a giant cage match: two professors of a subject enter, one leaves, and I don't want to have to fight for my job, and I especially don't want to think about having to go back on the job market at nearly 50.)

And my house is still a mess. I cleaned a little (mostly putting stuff away and sweeping floors in the "public" rooms) before piano, but my bedroom and guest room and sewing room are still nightmares.

I'm still going to Sherman today. I don't WANT to, I don't feel like driving an hour's round trip and I have other things I have to do, but I also can't bear going to the wal-mart this afternoon (and won't have time tomorrow morning).

I know I need to get happier, but the problem is: when finding time to buy groceries becomes a problem, that means you're too busy, and right now I can't quite envision how I would manage to become less busy. I will be VERY happy when this semester is over - even though I have three afternoon labs next semester, all my classes are existing preps, AND I am only teaching three classes instead of four. Hopefully then I will be able to get back to having a neater house and a better cared-for yard and maybe more time to knit. 


anita said...

Can't you politely tell the work-dumping colleague "I'm sorry, but I don't have time to do that; I have work of my own to finish." (I know; I wasn't good at that either because confrontations make me shaky and teary, but it gets easier.)

purlewe said...

I also loved cream cheese and jelly sandwiches. it is still a comfort food. And if I can I get a croissant and have it in that. Truly decadent.