In case anyone

In case anyone is still reading - comments have now gone back to word verification required because I'm getting lots and lots of anonymous bot comments.

Also, you know - edited to add here - if you post an anonymous comment here and it isn't (a) "signed" or (b) clearly related to the post (I have got a few very vaguely-worded but positive anonymous comments that I suspect is a try-out to see if it gets posted, and then a deluge more comes), it won't get posted. Yes, I'm risking someone getting saddle-sore because "she didna post me comment!" but you know? I'm getting way too old, am way too tired and disappointed for this stuff any more. Anonymous comments are gonna get binned unless you tell me who you are and/or DIRECTLY reference something in the post. Oh, and most comments with weblinks in them will go where the goblins go - this blog does not accept advertising, I don't get paid in cash or in kind for doing it, so why should I let you advertise your scammy site or dodgy YouTube video for free? (YES I AM ANGRY IN CASE YOU COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT)



It sucks. And I'm in one of those moods where I feel like "I could just turn off comments and it wouldn't matter" or even "I could just delete the blog and it wouldn't matter" because the louder voices in the room - which is pretty much every room I have ever been in - dominate the discourse and what I have to say doesn't matter.

Eventually, life will be just the most aggrieved voices screaming at each other, forever. And then I will go find a hermit cave and live there. And I don't think caves have wifi.

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More, added later on:

I'm still tired of all the other louder voices in the room, generally loud voices that assume THEIR problem is the ONLY problem and they are the ONLY one who ever feels sad/angry/put-upon/whatever. 

One of the people I scheduled to elder this morning didn't show up (this is not the first time). This IS someone with work that sometimes randomly calls them out of town but I ask people to find a sub - or at least let me know in advance- if they can't be there, so I don't have to do it myself on short notice. But that doesn't happen much of the time, and I wind up filling in more than I probably should because I do not like point-blank asking someone else who may be there to do it.



I had to dig SO DEEP for appropriate words for a prayer this morning, guys. I didn't know what I was going to say even as I was standing at the back of the church moments before working up there. The words came in time this time, but I live in fear there will be a week when I have to fill in and they don't. I suppose if I just blanked I could probably call up either a bit of Scripture or the Lord's Prayer out of my memory, but I know people would wonder what was going on. And I'd never be brave enough to tell them: I have filled in so many times that I'm just out. I'm done. I've run out of the ability to do this. I'd probably handwave and say I was starting with a migraine and didn't trust my ability to string my own words together, but...

I also had the horrible thought hit me, sitting there in the pew, waiting to have to go and do it: "If you weren't such a responsible and diligent person, who always does this, people wouldn't expect you'd be there to fill in and feel so free to do this."

And that's probably true. But I don't know how to parlay that, with any kind of grace, into a "please don't take advantage of me" statement.

I can't ask to step down as head elder; that's not possible given the way things are right now, there's no one else who would take it, and I have no good reason (besides being tired) for stepping down.

I dunno. Eventually one day I am probably going to fail spectacularly - start crying up at the table, or not be able to say anything, or something, and then maybe I'll be relieved of it or at least people will realize how tired I am (I've been doing this since 2013).

I suppose the answer is I need to make an issue of it at the next elder's meeting. I hate to seem like I'm complaining and I know some people are like "But your job is so easy, you always have weekends off, so you can always be here" so I don't know.

Again, this comes down to the self-care stuff - is it too much for me to ask not to be expected to be on-call all the time for this? I can do and it I know it seems like a not-big thing, but.....I dunno. I couldn't help set up the lunch today (luckily there were enough other people) because of this. I get tired of there being three things I really could be helping out with, and I have to prioritize the most important or urgent one instead of doing the one I might want to do most. (This is also the same way at work: I do the urgent things first and sometimes wind up doing what I want to do last or not at all).

I dunno. I'm just tired and I feel "stuck" and sad. I'm not doing well with my piano stuff right now, I don't feel like I'm making any progress. And I'm not doing anything useful with research - the project that the student and I spent the summer on failed because apparently the seeds had lost viability between January and June. And I feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above water in my classes....Right now I'm just so tired.