And THAT'S done

I completed my "faculty development review" (essentially, a productivity report, an annual review, and a list of how I will continue to beat myself until my morale improves)

Yeah, I don't enjoy these.

There's ALWAYS more I could have done. Or something I could have done better. And yeah, yeah, I know they "can't" fire me, except, given really bad financial exigencies, they COULD, and while there are grounds for who would and would not get fired, and I'm probably in the "would not unless all science departments are wiped away and we become a 100% business-school-only," still, I am enough of a worrier to be bugged by it.

I did more this year than some - had a paper came out, gave a public talk, presented a poster at some meetings and was a co-author on someone else's paper. That SOUNDS like woefully little and maybe it is, but we're a teaching-heavy school and it's hard for me to make time for research most semesters. (Next summer, though - I have to do research since I am not teaching. Am very much hoping a promising-looking student wants to work on a project I have in mind).

Service was about the same - probably not enough but more than some people. Slightly oddball service for someone in the sciences (head of a scholarship committee for the local AAUW chapter, for example).

Teaching....well, I don't know. If I base it on simple scores, with the huge caveat that these are Likert score data which you really shouldn't average, but there's also no really good way to deal with them that's simple.....I got a 4.5 out of 5 in one intro section, a 4.4 in my one majors' class, a 4.00 out of 5 in the other majors' class and....womp womp....a 3.83 out of 5 in the second section of the intro class. Which kind of baffles me and tells the more rational part of my brain that these aren't particularly good measures, seeing as I taught the two sections as comparably as is humanly possible. The one that gave me high marks was an 8 am section and was fairly small; the lower one was an 11 am section. (Many people hate the 11-12:15 T, Th slot. I am not a big fan of it myself but would much rather do that than have a T, Th section and a MWF section of the same class).

I THINK, based on looking at the raw data and the variance that it was that I had two very disgruntled people in a class of about 30 - there were two people who consistently gave me the lowest score available. So I don't know. I guess I didn't reach them, or something.

I dunno. I tell myself not to let this bug me but it does. Part of this is just who I am: for one thing, I only value myself based on my last self-evaluation, whatever that may be, and I forget past things. So having successfully led a church service recedes in my mind, dwarfed by, "You had a couple students who apparently really hated how you taught"

And also, and I openly admit this is a personality failing of mine and is unrealistic, but the irrational part of my mind clings to it: I want people to like me or at least think I'm doing a good job. There's still too much of that kid in the dark corner of the lunchroom looking with envy at the "populars" and imagining their lives are easier (even as the evidence - the ER visits of some kids to get their stomach pumped, the fact that some burned out in high school - suggested otherwise). I also think of the few little kids who, for some reason inexplicable to me, took an instant dislike to me and no matter what I did they didn't like me and wouldn't like me. And I kept trying to do things to get them to like me and it never worked.

(Holy cow. Maybe I am more like Pinkie Pie than I care to admit - that's basically the plot of the episode with her and Cranky)

So I don't know. Also, the irrational part of my brain. (I have a big irrational part of my brain. It's gotta be more than 22/7 of it). The irrational part of my brain tells me stuff like, "See? If you had just pushed yourself to be less of an introvert when you were younger, you MIGHT be married now, and go home and tell your husband, "Today stunk because I had to do my development plan and I'm sad because my evaluations weren't as high as I'd like" and I MIGHT be lucky enough to be married to a guy who responded with "pssssssht! Forget them, I know you're a good teacher" and I would feel better. Or that I would have a kid who came running up to me and said "Mommy! You're home! I missed you today!"

(Never mind that many men don't do the emotional-communication thing in the way women do, so my hypothetical husband would be more likely to roll his eyes over my maundering and go out to work on something in the garage, and my adorable child would probably actually be a teenager who either couldn't look up from his phone or who was pestering me to let her dye her hair goth-black)

But I don't know. I'm tired now, and tired in that emotional way that isn't fixable with a cup of tea or a short nap. (And anyway, I can't knock off for the day: I have piano lesson and CWF meeting and now I remember I agreed to be President because no one else was stepping up to do it so I will have to preside over the meeting and ugh.)