at loose ends

Well, tonight was to be the dinner for my departing colleague.

But her husband wound up in the hospital (If I understand correctly, it's an ongoing problem, not something new).  We're trying to reschedule, I hope he gets out and home soon (and gets better) and we can.

Luckily, I found that out before leaving for a "furlough afternoon" (yeah - we were asked to do our May furloughs before the 11th, despite the fact that I could easily have listed 2 days when I was out of town).

So I came home, did the workout I didn't do this morning, practiced piano. I'm faffing on the Internet right now but should DO something.

I attached the yarn and outlined the "neck" for Cheerilee this afternoon; I suppose I will work on that more tonight. (And I find myself wondering: at what point do I have so many Ponies and other stuffed critters on my bed that I no longer fit? My mom used to joke when I was a kid that they'd have to get me a larger bed (I had a double - I inherited the bedframe they used to have before they moved up to a queen) because of all the stuffed animals. And it's stupid and immature but having them around me makes me feel "safe." I can't explain it and I recognize it's illogical, but sometimes the way we feel isn't logical.)

I also feel at loose ends because it's the end of the semester. On the one hand, it's a relief to have a little free time coming up; on the other I miss the schedule I normally have and I know I will miss some of the students I had this semester.

There's a "suspicious package" in downtown OKC (I have taken to watching the channel 9 news because it's a bit less annoying than my local news). They said they sent in a "little robot." I tend to anthropomorphize stuff too much but my immediate reaction was, "I hope the little robot doesn't get blown up." (Well, also: I hope it's just someone's lost backpack full of textbooks or something so no one's in real danger). I think if they hadn't called it a "little" robot I wouldn't have felt the same way but I immediately felt a strange protectiveness towards the idea of a "little" robot.

I also came up against someone with some prejudices today.....someone who referred to a person that I don't think is as strictly observant as I am as a "fundie." And that just made me sad and brought up some strange feelings:

1. It's a form of prejudice. Yes, I am discombobulated when people try to indoctrinate me but the person dubbed a "fundie" really doesn't do that (and anyway, it's an offensive word, at least in some circles, to call someone that). But more, what I "hear" when I hear someone saying something like that, dismissing someone with one word, is: "I don't want to give that person a chance. I already know that person without knowing them. So I'm just not even going to give them a chance."

And maybe this is my upbringing; I wasn't "allowed" to voice dislike for someone I didn't know: my mother would ask me if I had interacted with the person I was talking about, if I had given them a chance. (And okay: if the person were known to be a criminal or a molestor, all bets would be off and I would not be expected to give them a chance BUT this was the sort of "they're weird and they dress funny" prejudice little kids have against other little kids). And I get protecting yourself against being abused.....but also, I think too many people in the world today are too quick to dismiss someone for whatever reason. I have friends I would disagree with politically if the issues ever came up; I have friends who have very different lifestyles from mine. But we can find something in common and sort of mutually agree, for example, that we disagree on politics so not to really bring it up.

2. More than that, the whole one-word dismissal brought up feelings from my childhood, of how I was on the outside of seemingly everything and how much I ACHED to fit in. (but, ironically: I was unwilling to change who I was in order for that to work. Partly because in some ways I couldn't - there was no way I could get the "right" clothes because I had next to no allowance and my parents would never pay what the "right" clothes cost. But also because I think I recognized on some level that I would merely be a poser and everyone would see through it). But I remember sobbing to my mother about how I didn't want to be more like the other kids; I wanted there to be more kids around who were like me. I was a little egghead who cried easily, and who had cheap (sometimes homemade) clothing and who wasn't allowed to watch "more mature" movies or tv and was out of step with pop culture (as I've said before, I grew up listening to WCLV with my parents....I actually 'forced' myself to listen to Top 40 radio in junior high to try to...."normalize" myself. (yes, as sad as that is, that's how I thought of it. But I hated most of the Top 40 stuff.) I grew up in a milieu where having the "right" clothes and "right" toys and "right" accessories and listening to the popular music and watching the same shows everyone else did was very important, it was how you fit in. And I didn't, and it made me sad, even as I didn't like Top 40 radio or the popular sitcoms or anything like that....

And yeah, I still kind of feel that way. A lot of my "human" interaction (such as it is) is online because outside of church and to a lesser extent, work, I don't feel like I fit in. I've tried going to a few things advertised as "family friendly" (because, hey, I like g-rated movies and all-ages comics) and got the stink eye because I was a solo woman without children. So eventually I kind of gave up trying. (I still hold out the idea of, someday, when I have more free time, joining something like a civic choir because I think I'd enjoy that. I'm far from a great singer but I'm also not terrible, so I'd probably make it in as one of the background altos or something)

But yeah. As I said over on Twitter, it was almost like a fairy-tale curse: the thing I wanted MOST (to feel like I fit in with other people) was the one thing I seemed to be denied. And that shaped a lot of my interactions into adulthood.....

And yes, I know, there's the whole Beatitudes thing, about how we should rejoice when others mock us for our faith......but I'm just not there yet.