* Also, it seems like a lot of people in a lot of places have doubled down on the nastiness this week. I am going through one of my periodic frustrated-with-the-vast-majority-of-humanity periods. I found myself thinking this morning, "Perhaps a phrase a lot of people could agree on* would be WWMRD? meaning "What would Mr. Rogers do?" Everyone I've ever read who commented about him said he was a genuinely kind, genuinely compassionate person who thought about others' feelings and tried to honor them. And I think we have a lot of people who are maybe losing what personal grace they had because they're afraid, or because they feel silenced, or whatever....and so they yell ever louder, and then other people feel silenced or afraid, and they start yelling, and it becomes like being on a 747 full of crying children.
(*Because not everyone is Christian or even theist, so WWJD doesn't work for everyone, and also, of course, the J in WWJD is an example none of us humans can fully live up to)
* I think a lot of my malaise of last night stems from the fact that the budget foo triggers several of my big worry points:
- I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing. It's actually a better moment for me in the dentist's chair when he's coming at me with the syringe full of Novocaine than when he's "counting my teeth" (as the polite lie told to children goes - really, they are probing for decay). And uncertainty is large here, as large as the commodities markets and their fluctuations.And EVERYTHING seems uncertain in my life right now: what will happen with my job, whether the congregation I am a part of will survive, the fate of the world, even, in some ways. We're losing small businesses here left and right, too, and that makes uncertainty worse. I just want to yell STOP MESSING WITH MY LIFE ALREADY and have something be stable.
- I fear the whole process of having to go out and compete for a job.. I feel kind of like I lucked into this position some 15 years ago; I had the right combination of skills and also the hiring process back then was a lot simpler. (Also, I was younger, less stuck in my ways, and technology has advanced more). The thought of me, at nearly 50, competing against 20-somethings who are more digitally-native and probably willing to work for less worries me.
- I just fear not being employed. I worry about the whole money thing and how I will manage and also now you get fined if you go without health insurance and and and. I also haven't had to really scrimp since I was a grad student and I so don't want to go back to that.
- I know life is not supposed to be fair, and really, life has been more unfair in my favor than not, but it just feels wrong to be honest, and work hard, and trust that you're doing the right thing.....and maybe wind up unemployed through no fault of your own. I could deal better emotionally with being fired "for cause" than "not for cause," because then I could blame myself and see how to improve. I don't know how to "improve" in order to deal with a contracting labor market for people like me.
* That said, even though I once said, "Never learn to do anything you do not want to be forced to do," I am going to take some time this summer and go get the online-teaching certification they have available. I dislike the whole idea of teaching online where I never see my students and have almost no control over things like exam security, but if it comes to it, that's what I'll do. And having the certification and experience might help if I have to change gigs.
* I don't need advice right now. Sorry, but I don't. I have people telling me "YOU ARE ON A SINKING SHIP AND EVEN RATS LEAVE SINKING SHIPS" or "QUIT NOW, SAVE YOURSELF" and other things that seem to ignore some of the realities of my life and it makes me so tired and actually has made me stop talking about it around certain people and I will probably never talk about it again around certain people because it's like they want to shame me into uprooting my entire life despite the fact that I own a house, I have put down roots, it would take me a year to divest myself of enough possessions to be able to move economically (NO ONE pays moving costs any more. NO ONE). And the thought of getting rid of most of my books and yarn and fabric makes me profoundly sad but it's what I'd have to do. And the piano. I'd probably have to see if someone else in the family wanted it or try to sell it, because a new job would probably mean living in a smaller place (most places have higher costs of living than here) and I wouldn't be able to take it.
And yeah, some would say YOU'RE MAKING EXCUSES NOT TO MAKE A CHANGE but whatever, it's not them having to do this.
I don't know. This kind of sums up how I feel about all the advice some are giving me:
Yeah, I give up.
* And if it came to it, maybe that "year to divest myself of stuff" could involve a lot of Etsy selling and maybe enough money would dribble in to feed me, though there's the problem of obtaining health insurance and paying for other stuff.
I don't know. Maybe things will get better. I hope so. But I think the economy now is worse than it was in the 1970s. I don't really remember the 1970s all that well but I don't remember this level of concern about job security from my dad.
1 comment:
If the Julian of Norwich quote is speaking to you, there's a prayer for use with prayer beads (http://kingofpeace.org/prayerbeads.htm) of that quote. When I was going through a really tough time, I prayed that a lot (and still do last thing before I go to bed). Because of what you've said about tactile things, I wonder if prayer beads might be a way to pray that would speak to you.
It just stinks when stuff is that unsettled.
Post a Comment