Feeling cheerful again

Or at least trying.

* Piano lesson yesterday made me happy. It's nice to work on stuff and get better at it. There's something so simple but so satisfying about that, about seeing yourself improve and also having someone else verify that you are improving.

In addition to Sleepy Lagoon, and the Pleyel piece (which I am almost proficient on), I'm starting the Gymnopedie No. 1. (My teacher commented on the "odd name." I didn't let on that I knew one of the common explanations for it (the one about naked boys doing exercise) because it is ever so slightly squicky, at least given modern sensibilities. And I admit, the first time I ever heard the name, I headcanoned it as "naked feet" first, and had the image of someone walking barefoot on a beach, which I like better....)

though it's also possible, according to that, that Satie chose it because it sounded "cool and exotic." Kind of like the Westerner who gets a tattoo in Japanese kanji because it "looks cool," without considering the possible implications.

* The second Doki Doki box came. This month's theme was "Bento," so there were a lot of packing-a-lunch related things. (Including a few items I will likely not use, but will hang on to for possible future swap packages). My favorite items though were a tiny spiral notebook and a couple of kokeshi-doll capped pens. (There was also a "squishy" - one of those foam things - in the shape of a cat's paw, which I liked as well, and could see keeping as a thing to squeeze on as a stress reliever, at least until I wear it out). And there was a Re-Ment blind box of a "curry meal" (these are like dollhouse food). The one I got, it looks like a breaded chicken cutlet (? maybe it's fish) next to the curry. The funny thing is, it's all attached to the plate and immediately I thought of the bit in "Two Bad Mice" where Hunca Munca got upset because the doll's-house food was all plaster and attached to the plates, and she tried to pry things off....

there are also a couple of small foil-lined, cardboard disposable "bento boxes" which I may wind up sometime using to package small gifts instead, or maybe if I ever bring someone homemade cookies or quick bread, I will use one of those boxes.

(I hope next month's box is more toy-themed. I was hoping for at least one "plushie" in this box)

* I feel remarkably less-excited about spring break than I normally do. Partly this is because my plans are to work, partly because I feel like there's no money to do anything fun, partly because I'm getting over being sick and am still somewhat tired and not-feeling-right. (I'm not sneezing any more but I now have a dry cough.)

On one hand, I kind of wish I had made plans to go visit my family; it would be nice to be a little "taken care of" for a few days (not having to cook, being asked if there's something I particularly want to do, being asked if I need new shoes and that they would buy them for me...My mom said she'd make a "make up birthday cake" for me next time I was up there, since I didn't get cake on my actual birthday but that means May now.). But traveling when you're getting over being sick is not fun - much better for me this afternoon to just go home and collapse in my big chair. And also, the train schedule has temporarily changed and I'd have to cancel this morning's class and leave even earlier than normal to catch it. And while I am sure some of my students wouldn't care (some may be at Research Day anyway, which is today, though none have told me) and some will probably have already left (though my TA, when I said, "I'll see you in class tomorrow.....unless you are leaving early?" made a dismissive comment about people who left a day early for breaks, so HE will be there). And also, with all the heavy rain, it's likely disrupted things and I really don't want to deal with a bustitution again.

* One of those "how you do anything is how you do everything" bits. I am still struggling, both emotionally and logistically, with dealing with the de facto pay cut (it's about 10%, but that's off our base pay, which means our withholding for things like taxes and FICA will adjust as well, but I can't judge well how much of a hit my take-home pay is taking. I've tried to draw out what my current budget is vs. what it will be but keep hitting a wall. In the past, I really didn't HAVE to....I had anywhere from $100 to $600 left at the end of the month, depending on what emergencies or rare-but-big-bills (e.g. homeowner's insurance, which happens once a year). I did spend a LOT on yarn and books and the like and never really worried because I had a cushion in my checking account (from the previous months' leftovers) and if I had a particularly profligate month, I was just careful the next couple. But I fear that cushion is now going to be the "what if an emergency" happens cushion (yes, I have a goodly amount in a savings account, but I now consider that the "what if the WORST happens" emergency money (i.e., we are all laid off for a semester and I have to eat until I can find a new job or we get rehired))

The barest bare-bones "What could I survive on" (without cutting cable or the landline phone, which would be the next 2 things to go) is about $1000 per month but that doesn't include the occasional big bills like insurance or medical co-pays; that gets amortized out over several months because, as I said, I have that cushion. And that doesn't include travel or oil changes on the car or more than a minimal amount of gas or ANY discretionary spending over home internet and cable. And that's on a basis of $50 a week for groceries, which I COULD cut down, but would soon lead to me being kind of sad and constrained. And that doesn't include my charitable/church contributions. (When I factor in contributions and more than the bare minimum of gas and a little bit per month in car maintenance, my "minimum bare bones" budget is just over half my take home pay. I guess I was periodically socking away more in savings than I thought I was....)

I dunno. I commented the other day that when you try to be frugal to begin with, it's hard to find places to cut that don't hurt. It's kind of like dieting - if you're the person drinking five sugared sodas a day and eating a donut every morning and a cheeseburger a couple times a week, cutting back on calories is perhaps not that hard. But if you allow yourself a sweet once a day and are careful about things like buying only canned fruit packed in its own juice (rather than syrup), it's harder to find places to cut out calories. (Which is related to "why this 'get fit' challenge on campus has made me so crazy" - I see it as being easy for the people who already have poor diets, but when I try hard to have a "good" diet, making my diet "gooder" seems to be more of an effort than, say, cutting out four of the five sugared sodas in a day...)

I also tend to go in for extremes on things, and I have to watch myself. (One reason I do not diet or really count calories, and instead try to pay attention to "which foods are healthful and should be the majority of what I eat; what foods are not healthful and should only be eaten infrequently" because the one time I tried a genuine calorie-restriction, I could feel myself getting obsessive in a way that could have led to something very unhealthy....so I stopped). And I'm wondering if I'm maybe not doing that with the budget. Because I'm so terrified that "if my car breaks down I don't want to have to take out a high-rate loan to pay for its repairs" - I have pretty much always done pay-as-I-go in this life, not buying stuff (or, buying a cheaper version) if I don't have the cash on hand for it.

So I look at the $400 I got for the last whack of editing work I did. And six months ago, I would have been, "hooray, I'm going to McKinney and shopping" over break, but now I am totally PUT THAT MONEY IN YOUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT BECAUSE YOU MIGHT NEED IT FOR FOOD SOON.

And I feel guilty spending anything on me other than the bare necessities now. I did the grocery shopping last weekend - about $50, which is probably too much for just one person for a week. And I looked at various items and said, "You could have not bought that. And you could have not bought THAT. And you could have bought the store brand of THAT, it would have been cheaper*....And you could buy plain old conventional milk rather than the organic milk that you think tastes better." And I don't know. I know I resisted all the "put even MORE money away for retirement**" with the argument of "what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow" but I'm beginning to buy into that tightfisted panic.

(*I use some store brands - a lot of the Kroger store brand stuff, especially their organic line, is quite good. But I've had bad luck with some of the wal-mart store brands, so I try to buy national brands there)

(**I already do. Dear knows where I will find this year's Roth contribution, but I do have about 15% of my base pay taken out each month before I ever see it to go to a TIAA-CREF account that is split between stocks and bonds. (And I know, my dad lectured at me about the bonds before but when the market tanked in '08 they hung on, so I'm loath to change my allocation)

I dunno. I did this eons ago when I was in grad school, living on beans and rice and window-shopping for entertainment (but rarely buying stuff). It's hard to get back to that so many years later (and also, there's no good window shopping in my town; no good walking places, really.)

It's hard, though. I looked online for "frugality advice" and the usual round of things popped up: don't buy expensive coffee drinks. (I make hot tea at home). Brown bag a lunch rather than going to restaurants (I have done that since I have been employed). Take public transport (Hold on a second while I roll on the floor laughing at your big-city privilege). Go to the farmer's market or a food co-op instead of groceries (ditto the previous comment). Rent out one of your rooms (Yeah, single lady here. Not gonna happen.) It's either stuff I already do or not-in-this-lifetime stuff. (My house is too small to rent out a room anyway, even if I found someone similarly quiet and low-bathroom-time-requiring to me.)

Again, it's like the diet advice where they go, "Just cut out sugared sodas" and someone like me, who doesn't drink them to begin with, is left with nothing.

I dunno. TL:DR - I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to deal with the pay cut and it's turning into me being ascetic to the point where I'm unhappy.

I may also be fixating on "must control budget" because I feel like I have NO control right now and I need something I feel I have complete control over. (Years and years ago, when I was a kid, that was why I liked having a dollhouse. I kind of wish I had one now.)

* I don't know. Maybe it IS okay to take a trip to Sherman for JUST the new Brit-Knit magazines (another pleasure I'm slightly loath to give up) and groceries this week. Then again, I'm not sure if I feel up to it. (If I were still doing a higher-salt diet, I would totally be getting won ton soup from the local Asian restaurant. Maybe I can make something comparable at home. Cheese pierogi in chicken broth? Not the same.....)