And I'm done

Yeah, the vote went how I thought it would. The future is going to be....challenging. I don't think they can lean on laypeople as much as they think they can, especially us university folks, not if we're going to be facing the rumored increases-in-minimum-courseloads.

(I'm being SLIGHTLY obscure here. But anyway: I think the next few months in BOTH the big aspects of my life will continue to be unsettled and unstable and that makes me extremely unhappy. And, yeah, yeah, I've been to this particular rodeo before (what the events of tonight will lead to) but it's been TOO MANY TIMES. I'm really getting tired of looking at the same muttonbusting and the same calf-roping).

I'm just tired and sick and I think I'm sick because there's been way too much stress from too many fronts this spring and that's probably why I got sick LAST time even if it was a different kind of sick (gastrointestinal instead of respiratory). And I'm covered in hives - no idea if it's being sick, being stressed, or being exposed to a lot of molds these past couple rainy days, but I'm miserable.

But, gah. This is where I flail my arms around like a particularly frustrated Kermit the Frog, say, "ALL y'alls crazy!" and stalk into my house and slam and double-lock the door.

I dunno. I officially give up any hope of my life being secure or stable in the future. Maybe wishing for stability is a desire I need to suppress. (I have seen it argued that it's eminently possible for a person to be a Christian and still follow certain philosophies that would be considered slightly Buddhist, especially the one about any sort of "earthly" desire causing pain, and therefore you should try to kill off your "earthly" desires).

I don't know. I'm just very disappointed in how my life is going right now and I don't know how to cope with it. A friend in grad school had a tiny sign that said "Detachment from outcomes" hanging over her desk - reminding her to just keep working and not get hung up on the eventual output. Perhaps not the best way of achieving a goal in a short amount of time, but perhaps detaching from outcomes is the best long-term strategy in this world that seems designed to frustrate our best efforts.

Am wondering if this is a big blinking beacon saying "GET OUT NOW. QUIT YOUR JOB. SELL ALMOST EVERYTHING YOU OWN. ADAPT TO LIVING IN ONE OF THOSE TINY HOUSES YOU USED TO THINK WERE KIND OF COOL UNTIL THEY BECAME SUCH A FAD. TAKE SOME KIND OF LOW PAYING JOB THAT AT LEAST ALLOWS YOU SOME ROOM TO BREATHE. CASH IN YOUR RETIREMENT ACCOUNT TO BUY THE HEALTH INSURANCE YOUR NEW MCJOB WON'T PROVIDE YOU WITH" And yeah, I'm being hyperbolic but I admit at times I wonder - might the grass not be marginally greener somewhere else?  Or at least less likely to wither and die unexpectedly?

I don't know. I'm tired and sick and worried about my job and about whether I'll get a paycheck or an IOU in future months and I'm worried about being pushed to take on even more responsibilities when I'm stretched to the breaking point already. And I just don't know. The only way I can think to react is, as I said above, to declare the rest of the world a nuthouse and retire to my own home, alone, and not deal with other people.