It has been an exceptionally long-feeling week.
Last night's foray out was positive (it was the start of a new adult study at church - they are using a curriculum called something like "Asking the Hard Questions" which discusses, "How do we do 'modern' Christianity" and things like how you reconcile different people having different interpretations of things.). But it was still a foray out after a day of work and I find increasingly those make it hard for me the next day.
What I am going to do tonight, after I get out of lab, is go home, put my feet up, and knit on Antarktis. Well, after I get done grading the exam I give today. But then again, I have two people (at least) out sick* so I will have fewer exams (and this is my smallest class).
(*Most professors say with frustration, at some point during the early part of Spring semester, "Why not just close the uni down for a couple days so EVERYONE CAN GET BETTER?!?!" There's been a couple stomach bugs going around (I had one myself; that was a contributing factor to my gastritis). There's some kind of respiratory thing that in some people leads to bronchitis. And strep is making the rounds, at least among the people who are parents, so that probably means it's going through the schools. Luckily, I MOSTLY avoid these things - I think my healthful lifestyle (getting as much sleep as humanly possible, working out, eating regular meals of food with vitamins in it) helps with this. I did get that stomach bug but was not nearly as sick as many people I know.....well, until stress kicked in and helped turn it into gastritis.)
I did hear back - finally - from my insurer/the ER about the cost of my visit. Amazingly, it looks like I am only liable for about $100....it looks like the insurer talked the ER down off of a much higher cost and then the insurer covered part of that. I was fully expecting to be dunned for $500-$1000 for the visit. In retrospect, I should have gone to a minute clinic instead of the ER, but at that time I was thinking, "I will need to be ultrasounded for my gall bladder and may wind up being admitted for surgery" - I had even packed a bag with a few changes of clothes and some pajamas and a couple of books and my meds and my toiletries, just in case.
It's a blessing to have generally excellent health, but the downside to that is when I get a little sick, I tend to think it's something really big, because I'm never sick. (The fact that I wasn't throwing up bile and wasn't running a temperature, and was still able to function even given what pain I had, should have tipped me off to it not being gallbladder).
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Though I guess I can think of this as "T-minus 2 days until I get to go to a quilt shop and a yarn shop." The other nice thing about finding out I'm not facing an enormous ER bill is that I can feel a bit less bad about taking $200 or so cash out of my checking account to go have fun with. (Also, I get paid on Monday.)
I also have my small pile of gifts. The one from my brother and his family came the other day.
Not sure if I'm going to do any "special" food. I may see if I can either get short ribs or country style ribs at the Kroger's on my way back into town - the new Hawaiian cookbook I got in the swap has a really good looking recipe for each, especially the one for the country style ribs.
Not going to do a cake. If I can find somewhere for lunch that has good desserts I will do that but I somewhat lack the energy to make a cake, and also, I have to spend some time, probably tomorrow afternoon, cleaning house, as piano lessons start Monday and I kind of let my house become a pit these past few weeks....
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I can't find the article again, but through a chain of clicking the other day (office hours, burnt out, couldn't force myself to do research reading) I came across an article that was something like "Awesome vs. Sucks" - it put forth the idea that in the new, social-media world, the pressure to be "awesome" is more than ever before. That is, to be impressive, to do something that could "go viral." They cited an example from (I think it was?) a baseball game, where a camera would rove the crowd. Most people, seeing themselves on the Jumbotron, would blush or look embarrassed or kind of smile and look away, but one guy started dancing.....and he was declared Awesome. And then he tried to get everyone around him to dance, and when one person refused, that person was deemed to have Sucked.
And you know, that's the kind of thing I hate. That subtle (or not so subtle) pressure. I don't like clowning publicly. I don't like making myself look what I perceive as undignified for the amusement or entertainment of others. I will make offhand comments or jokes in class that get laughs but that's as far as I will go. And that kind of humor is more, "You're all laughing along with me, this is funny, we all find this funny" and not "I'm going to be a big goofball so you can laugh at me"
(I chalk that up to having spent most of my childhood being the butt of jokes. I don't want to be one as an adult. I KNOW I'm a bad dancer so I'm not going to dance publicly just so people can laugh at my bad dancing)
There is a LITTLE pressure to do this on campus. Some of the campaigns they do....the fitness challenge, for example, had different groups "calling out" other groups to join. A lot of them did videos. Some of them were....rather painful to watch. Part of my revulsion with the whole thing is my fundamental "leave me ALONE" mentality (I am an adult. I take responsibility for my own health. I don't want someone else nagging me to do so) but also a lot of it is wondering where that video may wind up and cringing a little. (And yes. I once posted a photo on here of me with a pancake on my head, but I was doing that ironically and it's slightly different).
But the other thing, this feels to me like the flipside, or perhaps the red-headed stepchild, of the Superstar culture. You know the Superstar culture - the one that says that everybody has to be the best at what they do, all the time, and anyone who isn't the best, should probably go somewhere outside the gates of town and let the wild beasts eat them? Or the one that says, breathlessly, "In the future, college will be taught by MOOCs where five or ten superstars in each field gets videotaped teaching, and it gets beamed out to everyone, and everyone else in education, well, they can either be glorified graders or they can maybe go on the dole or something." The idea that if you're not a superstar, you don't deserve your career.
And as I've said before, that makes me so tired. Partly because it's shoving everyone into the same dumb little box (I may not be a superstar in terms of presenting material excitingly, with dancing ducks and explosions, but I can be a superstar in terms of caring about my students and helping them when they need help, but that doesn't count the same as flashiness does). Partly because it's just tiring to be "On" all the time - I especially notice that in weeks when I have to interact with lots of people for lots of hours. But also because it seems to suggest, perniciously, that people's worth is tied to how much of a superstar they are, and I don't like that. Everyone has worth; everyone deserves at least a little dignity, by virtue of their being human. Some people are not capable, for whatever reason, of being a superstar. But they're still human.
Another thing: the problem with some superstars is they go supernova - they work at an unsustainable pace and they wind up burning up or burning out before they've finished their career. What then? I'd rather work at a more human pace, rather be more true to what I am, and have a sustained career.
But I admit I twitch when I hear the calls for everyone to be "Awesome" or be a "superstar."
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