Friday, January 22, 2016

Two other things

1. Once again, if you want a Miniontine (I still have a number left), send me your mailing address. And I found my leftover Ponytines, so if you'd rather have a pony valentine, you can specify that.

2. I told my chair the other day that "I've been doing this recruitment thing for something like 10 years, I think it's someone else's turn" and she was 100% fine with that. So I'm off the hook on my birthday day and can go do what I want (provided I don't get sick or the weather isn't bad).

I'm glad I did that because now, a meeting I had scheduled has been moved. Precisely to the day where I had asked it not be scheduled because I have several other things going on. I may well be late to this meeting (I have a check-up at the doctor's right before) and I am already working on not stressing out about being late (because worrying "I may be late" will affect my blood pressure and heart rate at the doctor's). But I feel a little put upon. This is something - some committee work - I really do NOT want to be doing, but I am a logical person to be on the committee, so I feel a little disrespected that the meeting was changed at the last minute (with no real reason given) to a time that is very inconvenient for me.

And so I feel a tiny bit less resentful knowing that I was able to gently unload one responsibility, even if that is a month away.

Over on ITFF, they are talking about the topic of "emotional labor" - all the work people do that is unrecognized and unrewarded (and unreimbursed). It ranges from things like the working wife in a family who does all the housework because "women have always done the housework" (rather than sharing with her husband and kids) to being that person who is called upon to pacify the difficult and babyish individual in the group who whines and complains to stuff like the dreadful committee work that just about everyone gets roped into sometimes.

And I don't know. There has to be a balance. A lot of people advocated for the idea of "if it doesn't give you joy, drop it" but the thing is - sometimes you can't. There are awful committee positions that have to be filled by SOMEONE. There are difficult people you have to work with, or have in your family, or serve. (I have had a few real doozies of students, where it got to the point that I would start twitching like Herbert Lom in the old Pink Panther comedies if I heard them coming down the hall to my office hours. Not because they were clumsy and inept Clouseaux, but because I knew I was in for a solid half-hour of hearing how the whole world plus the university was screwing them over, and how it was unfair, and and and.)

And on the other hand, after writing up the sermon for this Sunday, it occurs to me: how would Jesus deal with "Emotional Labor"? He'd probably do it. Granted, we are not Jesus. But I do think  even though being kind (especially when it involves some element of tough love) DOES cost you, it's important.

But also: there are some people who slide through life with doing very little of the hard-and-boring stuff. Most people in academia know "that guy" or "that woman" who manages to avoid committeework or something. Or who absents themselves when there are hard decisions to be made. And part of it is: we have to share the suck. It can't drop onto the same people all the time, though it often does.

My big problem is that so often it feels non-reciprocal. I love, for example, buying gifts for my parents when gift-giving times roll around because I know they will enjoy what I get and they have given me good gifts in the past and it's important to me to show them that they are important to me, and one way I do that is by finding "just the right gift."

but in other cases - like the case of That Person that you are always having to walk on eggshells around and who always needs encouragement and reassurance and all that - well, that kind of stuff just tires me out because I often feel like I'd like a little cheerleading or hand-holding and in my life, the way it's configured, that's not always forthcoming. And I admit it, when I'm kind of worn down emotionally it is unpleasant to have someone sitting there essentially demanding they be told that they are Wonderful and everything else.

There are other things. For example, most of the time when I have a chance to cook (even if it's just making brownies from a mix) for a group or for some people, I jump at it. I like to cook, I enjoy sharing food. Many of the times I have cooked it has been good times - the Youth Group, or potlucks at work or church, or providing cake at a CWF meeting. I don't think I'd feel the same way though if I had a large family to cook for, and they always inhaled the food and scrammed without offering to help with the dishes or even a thank you.

I suspect a lot of the "Emotional Labor" and whether it FEELS like labor or not comes down to what we get out of it. Do I get some pride out of making a cake and having the ladies at church go, "Wow, this is really good, you are a talented baker!" Yes, I do. Do I get something out of making a vat of soup and bringing it in to a potluck at school? Sure - I get the meal, I get the time spent with colleagues that ISN'T just another faculty meeting. But dealing with difficult people, I mainly get discomfort and second-guessing myself ("Did I say anything helpful?") and sometimes the feeling I am being used.

Oh, and a third thing: It looks right now to me like the funeral for the lady from church (which is Saturday) is private for the family. Ah well, that was her wish, I am okay with that.

No comments: