The "Love Languages"

This was one of those test things that made the rounds - but it's less frivolous than some other tests. I was thinking about it because of my comments about "disliking gift cards" and I realize that for me, a "gift" should ideally be something, not necessarily something expensive, but something that took a little time or thought - those are the gifts I appreciate the most, and those are the gifts I try hard to give. (I think my gifts were well-received this year. I know my sister in law liked the sweatshirt I bought for her, and my mom commented that her squirrel sweatshirt* was both soft and funny)

(* This was the thing I had so much trouble getting from Acorn because of backorders and bad communication. It was a dark blue sweatshirt with a semi-realistic picture of a squirrel on it and the phrase, "Excuse me....your birdfeeder is empty." I thought it was HILARIOUS because my mother feeds the squirrels as much as she feeds the birds, and some of the squirrels DO come and sit on the railing of the deck and look in at the house if the feeder they use is empty)

Anyway, I got to thinking about that - how I have sometimes somewhat bitterly commented about Certain Relatives in re: my birthday, that I don't care if I get a present or not, but it would be nice to at least have a card on or close to the day. (There are a few people in my life who don't see anything odd about giving a gift six months late). And really, I know, that's kind of petty, but that's one small way in which I am petty - I like some kind of recognition of my birthday and honestly I would just as soon have a funny or cute card that arrives within a week of the day, than some extravagant present I'm given in June when the day is long-forgotten by me. And yes, that maybe makes me a little materialistic and I admit that bugs me a little. But it's how I am.

So I took the test, which is here (they have different versions whether you are coupled or single).

There are five aspects, according to them: Quality Time, Touch, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, and Gifts. I was surprised that I got "Quality Time" as the very highest score (a 9) - but upon reflection, the thing I do enjoy the most is when someone I care about and I can both arrange our schedules so we can do something together (the rare meet-ups with a friend to go yarn shopping or something) and with visiting my parents, it's as much getting to be in the same room with them for a while as it is anything else. Also, I think the fact that sometimes I don't feel "heard" in my day to day life is part of this. (And my frustration over texting students or lack of attention paid by students is probably part of this; I take it far more personally than I should)

I also scored high on Words of Affirmation, which I suspect is partly because I heard praise a lot as a kid and one of the big adjustments in adulthood, as I've said before, is that you have to assume you are doing a good job if someone isn't actively yelling at you about how you screwed up. In fact, this is sad but: I've gotten to the point where in some situations I'm a little suspicious when someone praises what I've done, because I've had cases where someone complimented me only to then request I do a bunch of other thankless tasks. And in the reverse: "Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten." Yes, that's very true for me.

And I scored high on Acts of Service - and I suspect that's because that's one way I show people I love THEM - for example, when I was at my parents' house, cleaning something up or doing some small repair that wasn't really my responsibility, but I felt like I could do it and it made people's lives easier. And I know that when I'm tired and overwhelmed the best thing ever for me to hear is for someone to say about something I would have had to do, "Don't worry about that, I've got it."

Another thing, a quotation from the site: "Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter." Yes, that. Very much that for me. If someone says "I'll do this" and then they don't, and I have to pick up the slack, I am more angry and resentful BY FAR than if they had said up-front "I can't do that" or "I don't have time." And I think there's truth in the fact that people who value "Acts of Service" feeling that the other person doesn't value their feelings when commitments seem carelessly broken. (I can forgive an emergency like a sick child, but "Didn't feel like it" or similar makes me angry)

I did score moderately (a 6) on Gift-giving, but as the site points out: "Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. ... Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else's love and affection for you." And yes, I see that. And for me, even, as I said, a nice card makes my day.

The lowest score, and this is utterly unsurprising to me, was "Touch." I'm fairly touch-averse. I tolerate hugging from some people but I admit there are others who do a lot of shoulder or arm-patting or the like and while I don't say anything, it does feel slightly intrusive to me - there are some people whose touch, to me, feels like an invasion of my personal space. I WILL say something if it feels excessive or uncomfortable-beyond-my-normally-being-touch-averse, but usually I don't, because while it's not something I would encourage, it also doesn't feel "hinky" to me. (There are some people who are very "handsy" in a "hinky" way). I'd rather sit close to someone I care about (and not even necessarily talk; the proximity is what's important) than have them touching me regularly.